My Blog of random everyday life

Today has been a stressful day. Searching for a house is a pain especially with breed restrictions (Which I find ridiculous). Found out late last night after checking online that my disability case had been denied again, thankfully I have a lawyer taking over but Ive been down this route before and I'm just wondering if it's ever going to happen. I want to be more help financially but I've tried going back to work and it never lasts long my body just shuts down on me. I miss working, I miss being able to go to the gym 5 days a week, I miss being able to hang out with friends without paying for it later....

Im grateful I have a supportive Fiance who loves me through it all. He tells me all the time I do help by what I do at home even if some days its a lot less than others. I know he doesnt see me as any less because of any of this, but it's hard not to see myself that way. He never knew me before the fibromyalgia, depression and anxiety. He's only ever known this version of me, I still miss the part of me I lost to this stupid condition. 

My brain is on overload, my emotions are haywire and I just needed a place that I could ramble without worrying my friends and family because they'll never see it here. 

Last night was amazing! My fiance and I have previously did some light power exchange in the past but it wasn't consistent not even in one session. As ive mentioned in previous blogs/posts I only recently sat down with him and got into more depth of what I wanted/needed and we talked things out. Well yesterday afternoon and last night were both amazing scenes. Nothing elaborate, but he really stepped up and not only did amazing job as my Dom, but seemed to thrive from it. I think this is the start of a new chapter in our relationship, and I'm so excited to see us both grow. I know it can only help with our communication skills and trust as well so I see this being a positive for us all around. 

Outside the bedroom we will still be primary vanilla, neither one of us really want a 24/7 dynamic though we will be adding protocols like some have suggested to help flip that switch from vanilla to him being my Dominant and me his submissive. Im a bit of a smart ass in my vanilla life so I have to be careful not to take that with me once that switch is flipped...haha. So I think it'll really help me get into the right mindset when I need to be.

I can't wait for future sessions 😄 For him to push me out of my comfort zone while respecting my limits (Which already He has started to do so) Im happy, so much less anxiety today....and have I mentioned Im excited for more :p 

My fiance came home for his lunch break before leaving back to work he pulled me to him, gave me a long passionate kiss while grabbing my ass and telling me that it was his tonight when he gets home.bAhhhh he gets me so much.

Needless to say my anxiety has slipped away and now im just horny lol.....seriously though I'm so happy he's stepping out of his comfort of the vanilla life and doing such an amazing job. I love him and now I just need to find ways to occupy myself for a few hours hehehe. 

This weekend was amazing I got a lot of one on one time with my fiance which can be difficult with his long work hours on weekdays and our living situation. I wouldn't trade the time in the world. That being said today I feel like I was hit by a Mac truck.

I was physically exhausted by the time we got home Saturday and Sunday (not that it takes much I wake up tired most days) and today despite resting I still feel like the living dead. My entire body hurts from the fibromyalgia....I feel bad that tonight is going to make night 3 of no sex. 

It's not a lack of want to, I'm horny as hell but it's a lack in my bodies ability to cooperate. He always reassures me he's not mad and that it's not my fault and all he wants to do is take the chronic pain away from me. I love him so much for that, but the guilts still there. 

This is when I start to feel like I'm not enough, that he deserves better. Add on that I recently threw my need to submit to him at him after almost 2 years together I feel like I'm just idk.... Chronic pain, depression, anxiety they're all kicking my ass right now and unfortunately he's at work so I can't even crawl into his arms for comfort right now.