Esoteric Submission

I know some of you have followed me here for years and I have been kind of radio silent lately. Life has been challenging, and some days downright tragic. So here are a couple of updates.

As many of you know, I was with my Daddy for 2 years. I’m not going into the deep details, but we ended our dynamic a few weeks ago. This was heartbreaking, but at the end of the day I needed to make the decision because my mental health was being negatively impacted. This was no fault of his, and none of mine. That’s what makes it so sad, we didn’t want this to happen. As sad as I have been, I have taken it well and managed my grief while also making the effort to move on. Daddy and I are still friends, we talk a little here and there, and I have nothing but respect and love for him and he I. It’s like I told him, I know he loves me, he knows I love him but that’s not always enough to keep it going.

In exciting news, I have completed my masters degree and I have official graduation on May 3rd. I am so exhausted that it hasn’t really hit me yet. I remember back in my freshman year, my professor saying getting her advanced standing degree (masters in 1 year) was the hardest year of her life. I thought oh it can’t possibly be that hard! I was wrong, it has been grueling! However, it built confidence and resilience, I have more doors opened, and every bit of the hard parts were worth it in the end. 

As of today, I am moving forward with my life. I have a new interest in a D/s partner and it feels so good to be seen, enjoyed, and appreciated again. It seems really soon after the breakup but Daddy and I slowly broke up over a period of 5 months. So, while I am grieving what was lost, I am fully ready to move forward. 

 

It drips onto you like melted sapphires, his dominance that eventually pours over you as a deluge. You forget that it is your body, you become drenched, consumed. In this state you are reformed, something different, something created, something. Something. The sapphires cool to the touch, a solid state of being.
 
It is the inside that remains unchanged, it is the inside that matters, that slippery soul that has no rhyme or reason. You are the sapphire to the eye but to inspire true deference, and true obedience it requires more than a facade. When the soul isn’t fed, it rebels against the sapphire casing.


Day by day the cracks form. Pieces begin to fall away. The soul needs to be fed. It can not remain shuttered away as a thing that simply exists for no purpose, or one single purpose. Purpose. The cracks spread throughout, the sapphires lay as thin shells at your feet, and you are left as before. Touched, yet so very untouched.

I was a black swan,

With a crown stolen,

Proudly defined.

I tugged at his darkness,

Enticed his power,

Heady like the deepest red wine.

 

We became incandescent,

While dancing with the blades,

Dark souls relentlessly entwined.

He brought me to my knees,

With little more than a whisper,

A black swan now redefined.

 

I gave him keys with clouded breath,

While he consumed me like a drug,

Toying with my broken mind.

I began to need him,

Until he was all that I knew,

Now I’m just a girl fumbling blind.

 

Nothing is forbidden,

Only what he chooses not to take,

Recalcitrance is politely declined.

His will is obsidian,

To which I bend and blend,

Wrapped up in his enthralling vines.

 

Bathed in his shadows,

I perform a flaming rite,

With devotion that grows in time.

In humility and gratitude,

I place my face to his feet,

A slave worshiping at her shrines.

𝕀 𝕖𝕩𝕚𝕤𝕥, 𝕤𝕒𝕗𝕖𝕝𝕪 𝕟𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕝𝕖𝕕

𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕪𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕪,

𝕤𝕚𝕝𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕝𝕪 𝕔𝕝𝕚𝕡𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕚𝕞𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕨𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤

𝕠𝕗 𝕕𝕖𝕓𝕒𝕦𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕪.

Perhaps if his Divinity is merciful, and
grants balance, A little slave may
come back to her bruised
knees in some deeply
stark fragrant night,
And take
Dark
avenues to calm the storm, bending of
her will. A slave will kneel
down low, to the resounding
echos of soul chains,
And that long
gentle thunder,
Lingers
in her minds-eye, perpetually in the
wide starlight. Hopes that a slave
will see wholly, a limitless
twilight subjugation, to embrace
her place gracefully,
becoming fully
Owned.

Today is the one year anniversary of the first time Daddy told me he loves me 💕 We were on FaceTime and I cried when he said it because it was something I always hoped for and didn’t dare to believe was possible. I still cry when I feel it, happy tears, Daddy loves when I cry and these are the best tears I can ever give him.

I had given up on receiving love before I met Daddy, and convinced myself that I was content to simply give love with no expectation for it to be returned. I thought if you’re going to play as hard as I want to that it wasn’t possible for love to be in the mix. Looking back, I can’t tell you how wrong I was for thinking that way. 

This past year has been a process of learning to allow someone to love me, of facing the fear of abandonment and tendency to not allow it because it would just be taken away, and of accepting that I mean as much to him as he does to me. I believe him when he says he will never let me go, and I believe him when he tells me that I am his lifelong mate. Finally. 

Daddy never logs in here anymore but I am thanking you regardless for loving me for all that I am and all that I will become while in your hands. Thank you Daddy, I am yours through and through, until and beyond the end.

ιт ωαѕ вσℓ∂ fσя уσυ тσ тαкє нєя ιи, α вяσкєи ωнσяє киσ¢кιиg σи уσυя ∂σσя αи∂ ℓσσкιиg fσя ѕσмєσиє тσ ρυт вяυιѕєѕ αℓℓ σνєя нєя ѕкιи.
ιт ωαѕ ѕιмρℓє fσя уσυ тσ fιи∂ нєя α ρℓα¢є, α ℓσѕт ℓιттℓє тнιиg, ∂єρяανιту ιѕ ωнαт ѕнє нαѕ тσ вяιиg, ωнιℓє вєggιиg уσυ тσ ωнσℓℓу ∂євαѕє.

ιт ωαѕ ∂єℓιgнтfυℓ fσя уσυ тσ тσυ¢н нєя мιи∂, α ρℓαуgяσυи∂ тнαт’ѕ ѕσ ѕιмρℓє, уєт ναgυєℓу ρяσfσυи∂, αℓωαуѕ ωяιтιиg тσ уσυ ωιтн нєя ιмρℓσяιиg янумєѕ.

I’m Wicked Smart:

I spent most of my life thinking the opposite because I never could do well in school, dropping/failing out at 16. ADHD and Bipolar was undiagnosed until late in life, as is the case for many females, and once I was medicated, I became wildly successful.

I’m Creative:

I do all the things. I paint, I write, I create. Being creative isn’t only about art, it also aids in my career because I am an innovative idea generator.

I Make True Connections:

When I make a connection with someone, friend or mate, it is a lifelong bond.

I’m Fearless:

Sometimes to a fault but I never turn away an opportunity to try something new or to retry something that wasn’t successful the first time.  Or the first 100!

I’m dedicated:

When I choose to dedicate myself to something that I see as valuable, nothing will get in my way. I am the person that will spend years working towards a goal and achieve it.

I Listen:

I’m a listener. I hear people, I sit with them through their stories, and walk along beside them if they need it.

I’m Intuitive:

I’ll know before I know what I know and no one can puzzle out why I know it. The empathy is deep in me.

I’m Not Afraid to Ask for Help:

I have Bipolar Type 1 and ADHD so sometimes life is a struggle, and I reach out to my support systems when I feel myself slipping. I show myself the self-compassion to admit that I can’t always do it alone.

I Invest in Myself:

So many put part of their worth in what they can do for others. Doing for others is great, but do for yourself too. The level of self-care that I invest in myself is taking care of those who love, rely, or depend on me.

I Speak Truthfully:

I speak truthfully about myself, to myself, and to others. There is no value to anyone in saying something that isn’t true. My friends and co-workers trust me because they know what they see is what I am. Knowing your own truth, and valuing your own truth is the path to wholeness of self.

I Respect Myself:

This is 11 but I couldn’t leave it off. I respect myself enough to adhere to my own boundaries, I do not rely on external validation, and I respect myself enough to trust my own judgment. I have had people tell me that I’m doing it wrong, people in my life saying don’t go to college in your 40s, people here saying your dynamic isn’t healthy (one person tried to tell me that Daddy causes my “continued bipolar” 😂, “Dear google scholar therapist, bipolar is a lifelong disability.”), people telling me you’re not ever going to be able to do that. I went to college at 40 and my life is better because of it, I have been with Daddy for a year and a half and I’m thriving in all aspects of my life, and I may not be able to do it yet but I’ll figure out a way.

𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓼 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓶𝓸𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓪𝓼 𝓶𝓾𝓬𝓱 𝓪𝓼 𝓘 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓲𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓶𝓸𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽, 𝓘 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓴 𝓘 𝓵𝓸𝓿𝓮 𝓪𝓯𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓹𝓪𝓲𝓷 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓼 𝓶𝓾𝓬𝓱.

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓬𝓻𝓪𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭 𝓵𝓲𝓹𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓮 𝓽𝓱𝓻𝓸𝓪𝓽 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪 𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓯𝓪𝓬𝓮 𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴.

 

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓸𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓳𝓮𝓪𝓷𝓼 𝓻𝓾𝓫𝓫𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓼𝓽 𝔀𝓮𝓵𝓽𝓼.

 

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓽𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻 𝓬𝓾𝓷𝓽 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓻𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝓾𝓼𝓮.

 

𝓕𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓽𝓲𝓽𝓼 𝓼𝔀𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪 𝔀𝓱𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰.

 

𝓨𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓪𝓼𝓼 𝓫𝓾𝓻𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓪𝓯𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝓫𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭.

 

𝓑𝓻𝓾𝓲𝓼𝓮𝓼 𝓸𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓴𝓷𝓮𝓮𝓼.

 

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝔀𝓪𝔂 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓮𝔂𝓮𝓼 𝓼𝔀𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓽 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓪𝓯𝓽𝓮𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓬𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓭 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓪𝓷 𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓻.

 

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓷𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓸𝓾𝓼 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝔀𝓱𝓮𝓷 𝔂𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓺𝓾𝓲𝓽𝓮 𝓼𝓾𝓻𝓮 𝓲𝓯 𝔂𝓸𝓾’𝓿𝓮 𝓫𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓲𝓷𝓰.

 

𝓘𝓽’𝓼 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓭𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼.

𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓯𝓮𝓵𝓵 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮

 

𝓵𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽𝓷𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪   

 

𝓼𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓼𝓴𝔂,

 

𝓼𝓽𝓻𝓲𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓳𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓪𝓽 𝓶𝔂   

 

𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓽.

 

𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰

 

𝓶𝔂 𝓹𝓪𝓽𝓱 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱   

 

𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓹𝓱𝓮𝓬𝔂 𝓪𝓷𝓭

 

𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓶𝓲𝓼𝓮𝓼 𝓽𝓸

 

𝓶𝓪𝓴𝓮 𝓶𝓮   𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮.

 

𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓽𝓸𝓸𝓴 𝓶𝔂 𝓼𝓲𝓵𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂

 

𝓼𝓲𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓼 𝓪𝓷𝓭   

 

𝔀𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓶 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓸

 

𝓽𝓲𝓰𝓱𝓽 𝔀𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓼,   

 

𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓮𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭

 

𝓫𝓲𝓷𝓭𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓮 𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓽𝓱𝓮   

 

𝓼𝓪𝓶𝓮.

 

𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓸𝓴𝓮 𝓾𝓹 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰𝓼

 

𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘 𝓱𝓪𝓭 𝓵𝓸𝓬𝓴𝓮𝓭   

 

𝓪𝔀𝓪𝔂, 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻 𝓹𝓪𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷

 

𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓸𝓾𝓻𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝔂   

 

𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓼𝓽 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝓫𝔂 𝓭𝓪𝔂.

 

𝓨𝓸𝓾 𝓷𝓸𝔀 𝓱𝓸𝓵𝓭 𝓶𝔂

 

𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓻𝓽 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓹𝓵𝓮𝓽𝓮𝓵𝔂,   

 

𝓲𝓷𝓼𝓹𝓲𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓸

 

𝓱𝓪𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓯𝓸𝓵𝓵𝓸𝔀

 

𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻   𝓵𝓮𝓪𝓭, 𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓭𝓵𝓮𝓭

 

𝓼𝓸 𝓪𝓭𝓻𝓸𝓲𝓽𝓵𝔂.

 

𝓒𝓵𝓪𝓲𝓶𝓮𝓭 𝓪𝓷𝓭

 

𝓶𝓪𝓻𝓴𝓮𝓭 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻   

 

𝓹𝓪𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷, 𝔂𝓸𝓾’𝓿𝓮

 

𝓫𝓮𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓭𝓻𝓾𝓰,

 

𝓶𝔂   𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓷𝓽

 

𝓸𝓫𝓼𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓸𝓷.

 

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓭𝓪𝔂 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓬𝓸𝓶𝓮

 

𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓘’𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾𝓻   

 

𝓼𝓽𝓸𝓻𝓶 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓬𝓻𝓪𝓿𝓮𝓼 𝓪

 

𝓼𝓴𝔂 𝓵𝓪𝓻𝓰𝓮𝓻 𝓽𝓱𝓪𝓷   𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓼,

 

𝓽𝓻𝓾𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝔀𝓱𝓲𝓵𝓮

 

𝓼𝓵𝓲𝓹𝓹𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓸   

 

𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓯𝓸𝓾𝓷𝓭 𝓫𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓼.