Just a short FYI for friends that I am currently on a break from the search for health/family reasons. Some of you might have noticed I have not been around for a few weeks but I shall be back in time.
I'd appreciate if someone keeps a list of all the crazy stuff that goes down so I don't feel left out ;)
Here is one that I know may be a sensitive topic, but I feel strongly that it has to be said. Perhaps some reading it might take offence, even take it personally. I assure you I have no one specifically in mind, and if these words hurt or inspire defensiveness, then ask yourself instead why is this so?
There are many aphorisms that come to mind when thinking of this particular topic:
People that live in glass houses should not throw stones
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone
The pebble in the brook secretly believes itself to be a precious stone
Ok, ok... a lot of them seem to be stone-based so I went with it. One of the things I see on my travels, and this is true here as it is true elsewhere, is entitlement. To me, in my own unimportant and unremarkable opinion, this is perhaps one of the least attractive facets that another human can possess. The outrageous and highly arrogant assumption that anything is due to you without having to earn it first. Of course, there are things that I think should be universal - respect, kindness, compassion, but these aren't things that particular people deserve or not, they are qualities that we should all try to hold on to in order to make the world better, and given as plentifully as we can without hurting ourselves.
This is entitlement of a different, pernicious, and selfish sort. That for some internal/external reason - one that is supposed to be evident to everyone else, but instead is often as visible as a penny in the Mariana Trench, a person holds themselves to be fantastic and desirable above others. Regardless of one's relative attractiveness, wealth, and/or success, one is owed nothing based on that. There are many people in the world that are one or more of those things and are deeply awful human beings. Meeting a specific criterion that you might value, and that others may limply value too, does not meet any preconditions that others need to show subservience or awe to. Being 'X' does not automatically enter you into a secret society that means others have to approach with head bowed.
Nearly anything of value requires effort, and any connection with another human certainly falls into this. If that work is one sided, it will merely be like a house with a single wall, nothing more than a facade, draped across a yawning space behind. Anyone that comes into this thinking "well, I'm so much better than this other person; they need to earn my attention, my time is so more valuable..." is only going to create an unsatisfactory relationship for themselves.
Whether this is friendship or something more intimate, the imbalance will mean that at some time, the unfair division will cause a collapse of the relationship. Ether the 'junior' partner will get fed up of having to do more work, or the 'senior' partner will feel the 'junior' is too meek in allowing themselves to be steamrolled After all. isn't the 'Senior' partner worth someone better who will be more 'equal' to them? Yawn. It is an irony that the only people that can put up with this sort of nonsense for any amount of time are people that cannot meet the long term need for the entitled to find someone of their 'own level'.
Love and connection are not gifts of the universe. They are not predestined and their success is not guaranteed. They are work. Long, often not glamorous, dirty work. Each day, you need to find reasons to choose that feeling and that person, to not let momentary fancies take away from the value of what you have. A person that thinks they are 'pairing down' is far less likely to be doing this vital self maintenance, and far more likely to spend their time trying to monkey branch. Can these people ever be happy? Who knows, I'm not one of them and cannot speak for them. I'd suspect not though...
In my time looking to meet the right person, I have been exposed to entitlement on a shameful scale, and I must admit some naivete in not expecting this in advance. I have looked everywhere, on so many platforms and places, irl and online. The number of people shooting themselves in the foot with arrogance is sad to behold. "You must have this [thing] to get my attention", "I only date people who drive an X", "I expect you to do all the chasing", "I expect to be spoiled", etc.
Yuck.
All these people are doing is helpfully warning others to give them a wide berth. The poor souls that engage with them will be used, abused, and treated like the third person in a two person relationship. Then they most likely will get left behind for the new 'one'; the new relationship to be trumpeted on social media with an utter lack of self awareness and compassion for the 'terrible ex'.
Newsflash: there is no 'one' for you. What utter arrogance to assume someone out there was made to meet your needs and desires. Doesn't this poor 'one' get any say in what their desires are? Children covet selfishly, adults instead should build together.
Person A and person B come together, based on a spark of attraction yes, but also by the openness and possibility of crafting something beautiful with someone else. With an open heart and an open mind. Getting with an entitled person is like moving into to a swanky new place but finding out after all your beautiful brickwork came dangerous wiring, no plumbing, and the only quality furnishing being a giant mirror your partner uses exclusively.
PSA: don't be the entitled person from above. Accept that we are all no better in connection than those we choose to connect with and instead we should try to build fairly with a friend/partner so that what is made can last a long time and meet the needs of both. Don't be that person that has a long list of exes, all of whom were the 'instigator' of troubles in the many relationships, while sweet and innocent you barely did anything wrong... We hear those tales, and we know you.
Please understand this comes from a place where, in my own small way, I'm trying to increase happiness for all, and not from a vindictive place. I think the kind of people I described would find lasting happiness so much sooner if they dropped that wall of condescension, and in talking about it that is my hope. Yes, my language is strong, such is my disappointment upon seeing it play out, but it is not meant to be a scarlet letter. People can and do change.
This one is to discuss a sore point that I have developed recently. It wasn't sore until I joined theCage but it has rapidly become so and I'd rather deal with this openly so people can read and know to avoid me if this is something important to them... Apologies in advance for this 'ranty' post but I'm a bit ticked off it happens so often.
I am, ladies and gentleman, Five feet and Eight inches tall. This was the way I was made, and I'm afraid that I cannot do anything to change it, not that I see the need.
It has no bearing on who I am or what I can do but to some others, it seems to in their minds. More times than I'm now comfortable with I have been ghosted immediately upon discussion of height - a subject that now heralds a sense of looming disappointment of wasted time.
It doesn't come up at all in a majority of discussions that I am in, but when it does it is always from my partner in the conversation. Personally, I don't care if someone is four feet ten in heels or are over six feet; if you meet the personality characteristics that will mesh with me then I'm good to go. Personality is important to what we are doing here; you have to be able to get on. To me, height is merely a fact ; but if its one that is so important for others to ghost on, it should be front and centre.
Imagine how one might feel if, when engaging with me, I indicated I'm only able to talk and progress with people of a certain consistent weight, or race; that unless you have the internal musculature to crush a ping pong ball and expel it over a vast distance, you aren't for me. These things all seem rather foolish, rude, or even downright unpleasant to me. Yet as a community we seem to give a pass on them. I do it myself - weakly saying thanks but goodbye (to an already absent conversation partner).
I often see phrases about preferences to defend this behavior - but these aren't preferences are they? Perhaps one might prefer [insert favourite celebrity here] if they were available but that doesn't stop us all meeting and building wonderful things with someone else.. This kind of thing is a hard limit, no less a rude one than if I put "only contact me if you are a least a 9 pls" in my profile. Put it on the profile!
When I see the phrase written "it might seem shallow but...", to me it is a redundant phrase. It very literally is shallow. What someone means to say is "you have to be X for me to reply". No considerations for anything else, that's as deep as the puddle goes... Now people certainly have a right to want what they want, just as I have a right to point out that would earn opprobrium if they were say, a man telling someone to not bother replying unless willing to do his laundry for him. No one should get a free pass on this.
As I don't directly approach others then this is even more frustrating for me. Very often it causes many hours of wasted time and some irritation on my part about a lack of honesty. Sometimes, I am lucky to be told this early on. I thank people for letting me know quickly in such cases. I can at least work with that, even if I'm unlikely to have a favourable opinion of the person, I can at least respect the timing. In either situation, the ghosting still happens by the way! Always charming ;)
So now, my dreadful secret that I didn't know was dreadful is out. Feel free to shun me as the horror I now find myself to be. However if someone decides to engage with me and utters those unwelcome words, don't be surprised to get your ear bent out of shape ;)
Just a brief bit of 2 for 1 post action... See also the one below this...
Whatever it is that I say I am, whether you are inclined to believe me or not, I have never laid any claims on being a Robot.
I don't ask to be flattered, fawned over; but some politeness is not too much to ask. If you would not say it to my face, don't feel comfortable blurting it out anonymously. If you would say it to my face, then there's no need to stop at this station, thanks.
Whatever it is I am, I'm a person with feelings too.
“I’m late, I’m late! For a very important date! No time to say ‘hello, goodbye,’ I’m late, I’m late, I’m late!”
Mystery is intriguing, exciting, and rich in possibility but it can also be scary.
When I am approached I always have the above in my thoughts. Perhaps those that come to me have an 'idea' of me in their mind. A hope or a picture of what a situation between them and I could look like. Perhaps they are more of a blank slate, merely hoping to learn something to confirm or invalidate their approach.
The initial discussion is so delicate - if you try to dispel too much of the mystery and illusion you take some of the wind from the sails - throw perhaps too much cold water on the fire of interest. If you don't move past the unknown then the person isn't really talking to you, they are talking with their 'idea' of you. Whatever one says or does is coloured through the prism of that beautiful thought. After a while, you come to understand you have been having two separate conversations: what you thought you clearly expressed, and what was heard and understood. It can be perplexing and frustrating to navigate, to manage.
But manage I somehow must.
For I am the White Rabbit. Despite never having enough time, despite all the hours in the day, I must lead 'Alice' into Wonderland and hopefully through it, to more adventures than even I can see. Like most here, I want every story to have as much entertainment as possible - to ultimately lead to the 'happy' end that everyone would want for themselves and others. I want to do right by myself and the person that I am talking to.
Please forgive this White Rabbit, however, if he doesn't always have the time to lead a sub in a blissful fugue to the paths of the divine. Responsibility is one of the badges of of my tribe, that is true, but we all share in it to some lesser or greater degree. I'll take more, far more when I get someone prepped and through the rabbit hole. Until then, I ask people that approach me to be present and attentive. it is easier to learn a useful truth earlier if you are talking to me as a person, replete with my many flaws, rather than a character of mystery or fantasy. Give this White Rabbit the time and the understanding he needs.
The velocity of interaction is something that often comes up in conversations. How to keep things moving at a pace that both parties can accept yet not allow any of us to put pressure on that for an earlier or slower cadence?
I'll freely admit I allowed myself to make a mistake early on in my journey. I let excitement and assurance from someone led me to meet up before I was really ready. My optimism took control, things would resolve themselves naturally etc. I can sometimes let the excitement of others have too strong an effect on my own feelings.
Now, I always try to put the breaks on if it goes too fast. My alarm bells ring a little if I feel someone wants to meet very quickly. I have to accept there are those who know their own mind well and see any delay a a "waste of their time" - so I need to assess if I'm dealing with one of those people or with someone pushing forward heedlessly. Either way, I still prefer caution - but its a delicate balancing act to not feel like you are holding them back from what they want. I'm aware this is not often a great characteristic, but I feel its my responsibility to be respectful, attentive and engage with anyone that has the courage to approach me. Until I feel a line has been crossed that means I cannot be any more flexible in my position without compromising my own feelings, I'll try to work through things with the other person.
The opposite situation is also tricky. How can I feel confidence in a prospective person if the level of engagement is glacial? My mind often quickly runs to paranoid thoughts - am I being played with? Is this due to their own situation in life, or is this evidence of a lack of respect? I try not to make any assumptions, but we aren't here to organise a cook off, this is serious stuff that has a physical and emotional impact in the life of oneself and others. If you are engaging me and have not done your own due diligence, aren't you doing us both a disservice?
I expect anyone approaching me want to learn if I might be a good fit - that means you need to have some idea of of what comparative baseline you can use to determine this. As long as I feel a person I am talking to has that in place, I'm happy to take my time, and won't push for anything to happen quicker than it needs to. Otherwise, I might ask you to go and think about what you want first then get back to me!
In general, I think its a matter of knowing your own 'speed' but also trying where possible to show respect for the cues of the other person involved in the conversation. Otherwise, you might fall at the first hurdle. A always, communicating your expectations and feelings is critical. Something I'm as guilty of not doing as anyone else is. Another self-learning moment for me, then.
I honestly feel that I'm not terribly judgmental, and willing to try new things, so it usually goes into my bios/profiles with little additional consideration.
There was a thread recently discussing things that people found attractive and important in potential partners. I read through it just to get a feel for trends and particular outliers of interest - I'm a fan of data 😉 It got me thinking that despite my stated position - which I said its mainly about if I 'click' with the person (I don't ask to see faces until after this happens), am I fooling myself? Do I merely subconsciously place limits or set objectives that my waking mind willfully fails to recognize?
Since then I have tried to live the spirit of my philosophy in more than words. Conversations I might have previously not entertained I have now allowed to pan out. Even though there have been the usual situations we all get here: time wasters, catfishes, and the like, its really had a positive impact on how I feel about my journey. I have met many more interesting people, always a plus, but its also allowing me to adjust my own behavior in how I interact with others. Now there are more possibilities, more opportunities to come across the right people. When you feel like you have this, it is a real panacea to self doubt.
I'm not trying to sell this to others, your journey is your own. I just thought it might be interesting to share how I am trying to observe the spirit of my own self-professed beliefs :)