The Yolk of P'an-Ku

I had a conversation with someone recently where we discussed our feeling that vulnerability is not a weakness. To show the parts of you that may be wounded or without the heavy defenses we often try to employ, takes courage. To ask for help, or to try to use it as a learning tool for yourself and others is admirable and shows a spirit of hope. An acceptance that things need not be internalized all the time; that the opinions of others can heal as well as hurt.

Plus, great songs...

A comment was raised on another of my blog posts to share more about who I am and what I offer. This was an excellent point, and so here I share some things about me and what I believe in.I hope people can come to understand 'E' from the below; ultimately what I offer is me, so know me better.

I am he that has lived two lives; yet not truly been alive in either.

Hope springs eternal within me, though the weeds of pessimism forever grow around that pool.

The wonder of my youth has never left me. The world and its untold delights fill my heart and direct my ambition.

I am a leader not for the sake of leading but for the aim of building a world filled with those comfortable to lead themselves.

I am a follower of dear Niccolo but alas, I am his poorest student.

The “Master of Secrets” is tattooed upon my flesh, but I am the keeper of few.

Hate is a mixture of love and expectation that has been left too long in the Summer greenhouse of my soul.

My desire always grows but I am often surprised what it grows into.

Others consider me learned but to me the universe is filled with much I do not know.

Strength means carrying on even when you know failure is assured.

Watching the sea calms my spirit. Sailing upon it provokes the deepest dread.

I have unlimited love for individuals, but people are often so disappointing.

Bentham lives on in my actions; he remains dead in my soul.

Love the weak, respect the strong, fear the absolute.

Once it was “deeds, not words”, but now it is “deeds and words”.

Games are my life. My life is a game.

Control is caring enough for someone to hold the world entire, if even for just a little time.

Love and pain are two sides of the same coin. I’ll spend them lavishly.

Physical beauty is just a starter to me. All other courses I derive from who you are inside.

I came from many, but shall leave with few, perhaps none.

I build for joy; destroy for misery.

Intuition is my Cassandra and my Polaris.

I feel big enough to wrap my arms around the world, but when I reach out, I am made to feel so small I don’t even have the grasp to hold myself.

Loyalty to friends; always. Accountability of friends; always.

Success is iterative. My failures come from expecting success to come first time.

I do not see compassion as a weakness, but a lack of it forms cracks that will fragment the World.

E

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright

 

One of my 'rules' for myself so far on the Cage is that I do not actively seek out subs. Firstly I am sure that not everyone has such a rule for themselves and this leads to a lot of messages flooding inboxes. I would not get want to lost in the midst of those, nor get involved in any over the top peacocking to compete. I wrote enough detail about me on my profile that, I hope, people can generally understand both where I am coming from and where I intend to go to.

My intent was that, in their own time, people could come across me and without pressure review the kind of person I might be. To make up their own minds, and if they were interested, they could let me know. By and large, this has been my experience so far. Any communication outside of this is kept strictly friendly, trying to just get my ideas and personality across.

I'm beginning to have doubt about my strategy, or more accurately what I am using to attract interest - the bait, if you will. Though its the truth as well as I can understand it and myself, I'm wondering if its not conveying what I assumed it was. Many of those that contact me, not all of course but the majority certainly, seem to be ostensibly looking for someone that I am not. I try to assume initially that faults rest with me, but I wanted to throw the question out there - is this common? Is it just a case of people reaching out on the slim chance you meet some unexpressed yet critical need?

Inquiring minds need to know :)

I get it.

I really do.

It's hard to lay it all on the line: what you want, what you hope, how your needs might be met. Some of these things may feel wrong to you, but they are not wrong they are merely you. Some of these things you feel guilty for, but hiding them will only make your experience hollow. Creating something special requires the most delicate of negotiations, and for that to happen successfully, you have to be honest with yourself and the other person.

All I ask; this one thing, is that if there are wants and needs, then lead with the needs. Don't hide the "must haves" behind a wall of "would be nice ifs". All that will do is probably waste your time and the time of others. Some people have what you need and many do not. Don't tarry with finding that out. Some things are just too important to sit on and withhold from the other person. Don't stoke the hope of others needlessly, it does more harm than good. It is preferable to be thought shallow than to be thought cruel.

I always lay it all on the line in excruciating detail that leaves me open and vulnerable. Though to some it may feel like a lot to take in to me its one of the mot precious gifts I have to offer: drawing back the curtain to a stranger i a leap of faith.

I always take the time to ask a lot of questions, to state then restate and clarify who I am and what I expect. I'm shaking the tree, expecting a hornet's nest to drop but hoping against hope to find that one perfect apple to sate a hungry soul. My time is also precious to me, and the second gift I offer up.

I'm always honest about the situation and with my answers to questions, even when I know the answer has more chance to cost me. Honesty is the third and greatest gift I can offer to others. If one cannot be honest here and now with something amazing on the line, can you ever be?

Honesty, time, and vulnerability: the treasures that I must cast at the feet of a stranger in the hope they recognise what they are. Each time I must exist in terror of having them treated as though they are trash; picking up the now dirty, still worthy feelings after they have been trampled thoughtlessly.

Let's be honest to each other and more importantly to ourselves.

As part of my travels I often encounter people in various areas of kink (I’m curious and chatty, what can I say) and end up in enlightening situations from these conversations.

I asked a man, that had hidden his desires from his partner for over two decades, what he wanted from his life now that he had worked up great courage to tell her.  

“In an ideal world...”

I stopped him, apologising of course for interrupting in my usual way, “...But what about this world?”

I hate to burst bubbles, but as you may already recognise, life is often far from ideal. Perhaps never so, depending on your outlook. Still, I don’t see that as a pessimistic fact, the opposite in fact. The struggle of all of us to continue to seek happiness and truth in the face of a world that often does not want this to happen, or so it would seem, I find breathtakingly beautiful. 

I have a saying, overdone as per usual, but one I keep for these situations. If I have stolen it then I am ignorant of this and I apologise profusely ...

To seek perfection, whilst understanding that it’s not possible, is more beautiful than the perfection you search for.

Like Odysseus, some of our journeys may take a long time to conclude. Perhaps they may never. However, the story is in that journey, not solely limited to the end...

Apologies in advance, this is a little bit of a 'cross post'. Don't want to be seen as one of those 'Angry Dom' types!

Rejection is a bitter pill.

For me it has always been very hard to take, and it has been one of my aims on this journey to develop a thicker skin. I'm glad to say that I now have, at least in some places, skin as thick as a rhino's hide. You have to have courage on the approach, and more so to state your aims honestly, The coverage however, is not complete and I recently received a very sharp blow into an unguarded area.

Revealing my desires to others was previously impossible. I saw them as being too weird and alien, something that would earn me disrespect and even fear from those whom I only wanted closeness from. I had kink shamed myself; the feeling was grim and ever present, like a film of oil covering what should have been crystal blue waters.

Learning how to tell someone what I want, who I am, has been so very hard. When I have met others that can accept these things, whether they share my particular niche or not, it has felt so refreshing, so free, that I'd become accustomed to that sensation. When things didn't work out it was due to differences that were understandable, justifiable, and amiable. I could move on without negative baggage and perhaps even with new friends. Such a wonder; simply to be able to discuss adult situations calmly with adults.

Today was my first "kink shaming" from within the community. Though I would like to believe it as partially accidental, it still hurts.

I suddenly feel like I'm back at the start of my road again in some ways - though in my heart I know this is not true, its just an instinctive reaction. I conditioned myself so well...

I'll endure it and learn from it. I just can't currently understand it.

This isn't a situation where something was rushed, or where my advances were unwanted. I was the one to be approached by a friend who was more than aware of my position and chose to engage with me. I had not made any advances myself. Had any of this not been the case, I'd put it down to overloading someone with desires or what have you, something understandable. Fortunately for me, I'm cautious about developing with someone and so I often clarify my position to ensure I'm on the same page. Something I'd done before with this person with no issue, though admittedly more detailed this last time. No doubt I broke the fantasy that they had been working on; something that wasn't aligned with me but perhaps they felt I'd come to adopt in some way.

Their reaction made me feel like the lord and master of all creeps. I felt dirty in a way I have not for a while. Suddenly they were looking for something different, I was talking a different language. I was so shocked I had to go back through previous discussions just in case I'd had some sort of lapse in sanity, and somehow had gone off on a nutty tangent. Unfortunately not. I had been clear from even before being approached in a sexual way, and had mentioned it again from time to time without triggering a panic.

No doubt a bubble was burst, but a friendship will survive, and jokes might be had in the future - far off though it needs to be as I feel right now. I just needed to vent to a potentially interested audience 😄 I'm not looking for sympathy - I already know that you guys will come through on that! Just friendly listeners.

I know being a sub is hard; too many predators out there that are attracted by that vulnerability, and trust is hard to come by once burnt. Its also a real challenge as someone trying to share a complex and potentially off-putting control desire with others and have it work for both people. Its good for us to know that we all are working damned hard to try and find the right people for us and have slip ups along the way...

I had a lot of things that I had to hide.

My childhood left many indelible marks upon me. Some that could be seen, more that could only been seen through close inspection of my actions. I was so uncomfortable in myself I felt like a collection of strangers forced to live in a confined space; each one jostling for the best position, for control.

I had all these, often conflicting, desires that seemed to be at odds with the wisdom of my elders. With what society expected of me. Who I should be attracted to, how I should interact, what my ambitions and drives should be. I always seemed to be the wrong end of what was expected. When you find yourself to be in the wrong so often, you feel wrong in your core - unnatural and defective.

To deal with not being comfortable in myself I sought to make others comfortable instead. I could not process my own needs, could not accept them. Perhaps doing that for others would be the panacea that had eluded me otherwise? At the very least I could feel like I was making a positive impact for others... This I told myself, over and over. Things had to be better than they were.

I can now safely say, 20+ years later, it fixed nothing. The universe wasn't aggregating my good deeds and making sure they came back to me. Even the feeling that I was making others happy became a millstone around my neck. If I was out there doing it, why could no one reciprocate in kind? My need to be agreeable led me into relationships with more red flags than a military parade in China. Any signs I could let my guard down were crushed and yet I felt that loyalty was its own reward; if only people could see and learn from my example... I was no stranger to betrayal, crueler than many, not so awful as some. I seemed to attract those who couldn't give me back what I gave out, nor could let me go to someone that perhaps could.

There comes a point that change will out. I hope for many of you it came in a positive way, but I expect like me, it was heralded by something you would never wish to experience again. I won't go into the details of what it was, its not important ultimately. Eventually, I chose to make it into something useful instead, to make a choice to release the pain as best I could and while I was at it, to release my previous notions and ways of thinking.Well, most of them :)

Suddenly, there in the mirror was not ten people fighting, nor five, nor even two. There was a single man looking back at me that knew everything that he must do, like it was tattooed on the back of his eyelids. As though he had always known. 

I always had. I had merely told myself I was wrong. This is how I come to be fresh on the path to discovery yet world weary in the understanding of where that path must lead.

So if you encounter me upon your travels, our paths intersect for even a brief moment, you need do no more than wave and you shall receive a wave in kind, a knowing nod, and my support shall go with you. I cut my feet for a lifetime upon paths not meant for me and now I must make use of that experience so that perhaps I may save another even a single cut.

No longer helping just to fit in and to be the 'agreeable one', but to atone to myself for those wasted years of doubt and disregard.

Hello, fellow traveler.