Mistress Umberlee’s Blog for brats and wayward subs (also umbers music box)

This song resonates today-  g-d help us this has been such a crap year.  but music helps 

AH’s favorite line is “all that I want is the taste that your lips allow” ( ah changes the lyrics to mouth not lips)

Mine is the around 4:18 in the song- it’s the demand “love me!!” Or maybe “give me love like never before cause lately I’ve been craving more”. Last Saturday I was singing this and it turned into a duet.  Random moments but treasures.  Still, as a submissive, it’s hard to feel that deep neediness.  The void when your D is gone or busy or struggling or all the things that happen.  Life doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

relax Aiden you are still the first favorite lol ❤️

One of my tasks, is to write 30 minutes a day.  I know I need to and like many of my tasks, this seems mundane.  To be honest, the number of items on this task list that are self care is painfully embarrassing. When the task list was given to me, I was just blurted “but I do this anyway!”  Sir gave me that smirk and replied, “Do you?”  I looked at the list again and sighed.  He was right- of course.  These were things I should do, but often don’t.  *grumbles in sub*.  When I look up at him the smirk is gone replaced with a look that speaks to understanding me.  He kisses the top of my head, “Trust my process”.   Ok Sir, I am.

I have ADHD and when I say that can make everyday things difficult, I’m not joking.  The remarkable places I have found my keys alone speaks volumes.  So, sitting down to actually write- ewww- this clip sums it up so well.  

Task lists, to do lists or Ta Da lists are so necessary for me.  Even with medication, the executive dysfunction is still there.  In many ways, his directives override that part of my brain that can’t even get started.  Does he have to remind me to eat… yeah… sometimes.  Does my task list include an entry about that?  Yes, yes it does.  He is adamant about proper nutrition and I am guilty of forgetting to eat because I am hyper focused on a different task.  It happens, he gets it.  

So, we are trying an app.  I have heard people say that apps seem impersonal, but if he can see that I am doing these things without having to constantly remind me, it does help him reign in on his chaos gremlin. We are often in other locations so he doesn’t see me refill my water bottle.  It means that the nagging can be replaced with a quick call to say, “Thank you for taking care of what’s mine.  You are my good girl and this pleases me”. Not necessarily in those words but if you know you know.  It also helps him know how my day is going (*sighs in Dom* did she forget to take her meds or just check not check it off- holy hell woman you will be the death of me)  ok something like that 😁😉

Tasks lists are hard… I work and he will be returning to work soon- “too soon” *grumbles in sub*. I do send him my to do list and he always comments.  The to do list doesn’t include my tasks for him.  These are things to do and not necessarily the habits he is training me to learn.  So we use the app like a habit tracker.  It gives us a shared document to review.

It’s just a starting point.  He is very focused and a creature of habit, I am a chaos gremlin, I know that through the he will check in randomly but he also has specific points we touch base.  We will discuss the random- my murder muppet and his insane cat- but these will include a quick review of my task list.  He laughs and points out that if we didn’t do it I would end up chugging the missing water at the end of the evening during the winding down.  Yes he is right about that.  He might know me a bit.

The task list - for me- is an important tool.  Distance could easily rob me of his guiding hand so for us, this helps.  Even with an app, it keeps him and his presence to keep me steady and safe.  The app is not my Dom.  He is.  The task list and, for us, that app  gives him one more way to help me be the best me. Whew- that was more than 30 minutes.  Gotta check that off my task list. 

- Umber

As you scroll through the lists and the blogs and the chat, there are so many unique names.  Some of them are so so clever.  When I first came to the cage my name was no_ones.  Then Umberlee… a few name changes but always back to Umberlee.   It comes from a forgotten realms (DnD) Faerûnian pantheon evil sea goddess.  It is my connection to the seas that made me choose it.  That and they call her the Bitch Queen.

it tells you that I am in fact an Ubergeek and maybe of my love of the ocean. 

Some name are memorable and some cringey.  So the challenge?  In a comment or in your own blog post, tell us why you picked your name. Feel free to add the crazy stories.  Label the blog #A name challenge so can find it.  I am looking forward to learning a little bit more about my fellow cage members.

- Umber

It’s a rough morning- so as I lay here in my ‘umberlean’ darkness, I find myself playing a silly game in my head.  It’s childish but it is serving to amuse me while the pharmaceuticals begin to make their journey through my body.  I would love to hear a few of yours (comments or posts)

So, my silly game today is substitute the word ‘fuck’ for kiss- so read the Gone With the Wind quote with that replacement. 

“No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” 

 (Quite the statement and one that resonates with me right now)

or the Lita Ford line

“kiss me once, kiss me twice.  Come on pretty baby kiss me deadly”

When I kiss you, I can taste your soul.” – Carrie Latet

Oh the opening lines to As Time Goes By takes on a whole new dimension-

You must remember this,
A kiss is just a kiss,
A sigh is just a sigh,
The fundamental things apply,
As time goes by.

Then of course the song Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer becomes a very different song and that open hand makes me wonder about a spanking- 

Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

the rest of that song is fair game so have fun with it.  Well, time to go become human, can’t wait to see what my kinky cagemates come up with!

A while back I took down my original blog- 728 pages, Times New Roman 12pt font 145,260 words- Yes, I write a lot, not all of it good.  This new version of my blog is more song lyrics so far.  Not as much advice... I think I am still cocooning, g-d knows what will come out. But sometimes, I have to reflect on things, journals from the past and bad poetry. My music diaries tell me a great deal.  But this previous blog post from three years ago, rang true this early morning.

The current battle with my body is a bit different, more akin to the pain I described from my childhood.  And while it is excruciating, life has to continue.  Serious illness and chronic illness puts a spin on things.  The more dire, the more you reflect on things, not always a positive, but you do tend to realign your priorities. This time, like this earlier entry, a dynamic has ended (actually the same reoccurring one). I believe being ill has made this break more permanent and allowed me a freedom to consider other "options". Strangely this entry is from the same time of year, only 2020.  Anyway, I liked the way this frames things.  So I am reposting it.

We Are Eternal, All This Pain Is An Illusion 11/7/20

The title is from the Tool song Parabola

I remember being a child and dealing with treatments that were INP. I learned that there is a point where the pain tunes out. I remember laying in the bed and telling myself again and again just few more minutes. My brain would rattle around in my head and bounce from thought to thought. Anywhere but that moment I was living and anything but that pain.

Facing the pain of a three week long headache- I found myself hearing these lyrics. How suddenly, the pursuits of my flesh and emotions seemed trivial. How much easier it was to say... this does me no good or this is no longer necessary. This person’s shadow seems much less dark and encompassing when there are greater battles to be fought than for the attention of a man.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion

I have to find the right colour skin markers for the logo but that comes next

Seriously, the Red Wings let me down- it is painful, but maybe double or nothing on the next game. J/K

after one too many lies, one too many times of feeling ignored one too many- oh you get the point.  It is my tendency to exile someone.

Even if they end the relationship.  I consider it a cooling of period. I mean I reign in on my emotions and don't do stupid stuff.

Exile means at least 90 days absolutely no contact. Its hard for me, because if I love someone, cleaving them out of my being well it sucks.

The longer they were a part of your life and the deeper the betrayal, the more you feel hurt.  Submission can be like that, you get involved, you serve, you are invested.  And when you find out all the stuff, all the stuff, well I think its hard.  Subs give so much of themselves. And you give so much the first thought is to lash out.  And this might feel good in the moment, I think most of us would say, it isn't healthy.  You are going to need time to cool off.

But that cooling period means, you get a grip, You don't involve other people in the drama.  No you don't get to involve someone's wife or husband. You don't out people.  You just put them in a box in a closet and forget about them.  (not literally people-its a metaphor)

It might seem cruel to some people, but it gives me the grace to not drag things on and on.  The safety to feel what I am feeling without becoming the person who begs and pleads for someone to understand, to care- pick whatever thing you want to that one might do to prevent someone from walking away.  I have a horrible fear of being abandoned... and I find for me anyway, the worse my situation, the more likely it happens.  I believe I have a part to play in that and when a strong woman breaks... it takes a pretty strong man to weather.  That fear can lead you to making really bad decisions. Including holding on the things that hurt you. Exile removes my ability to cling, to kneel for someone just cause it feel familiar and safe.  I need that time.  

The big thing to remember, is that some of the people you exile won't care and that is ok.  This isn't about them.  It is about you.  When you want to reach, you can't- its a hard lesson to learn.  In a D/s relationship for a sub it is horrific to think that a person you have poured into can just again, abandon you, but it happens. This isn't about them or anything done on either side of the dynamic.  It is about you processing everything without people in your ears and filling you with things they think are helpful.  My friends often get involved in my issues, and it is always a disaster. For most people your friends, though they are well meaning and trying to protect you, want to say horrible things.  It can prolong the pain by constantly bringing up the person..  Let friends know you are going no contact and that includes discussions about that person.  Most of the time they will be ok with this.  Talk about how you are feeling, talk about a sense of betrayal what ever but you never have to bring up a name.  In fact, I like to refer to them as "the person that shall not be named".  It might seem silly but even removing their name can help. Distance- emotional and/or physical is your friend right now.  Shut down your social media if you have to.  Explain to your friends that this person cannot even have information about you for those 90 days.  Right now, for me that's a hard one.  There's a lot going on in the next 20-30 days.  It is going to be hard not to reach for some people.  Still the die is cast and it is important, that this is maintained.

I mentioned 90 days.  I would love to say that is always enough time.  Sometimes it is.  Sometimes it is not.  I have people exiled even now for years and years.  I think my limit was 30 years and then I let them talk to me.  It was still a disaster.  They have retuned to exile. Truly, I am ok with that, maybe in 40 years it will be time to try again..  Some people can process a lot in just 90 days.  Some people need a little time.  Take what you need.  Sometimes, you can't every go back.  Be honest with yourself.  

Write scathing letters that you don't send. Go to a rage room.  I have put a picture in my boxing gloves so my wraps keep it in place.  Its for me, no one else.  I have done other silly but symbolic things- some of them are fun to talk about, but not here.  Do these things in the time they are in exile.  Do these things for you, processing you.  You may not be able to change things.. and people don't often change for others.  You have to be ok with the knowledge that just because you weren't enough for them, you can be enough for you.  Because you weren't their cup of tea, maybe they wanted coffee... or monster or apple juice.  Point is, 90 days JUST about You.

Besides calling it exile is just fun... reminds you that you are the king or queen of your story and it is your story.  Put on that crown and send them to the an oubliette in your mind.  Spiders and slimy things optional.

Good luck on your journey

Umberlee