Mistress Umberlee’s Blog for brats and wayward subs (also umbers music box)

It’s a rough morning- so as I lay here in my ‘umberlean’ darkness, I find myself playing a silly game in my head.  It’s childish but it is serving to amuse me while the pharmaceuticals begin to make their journey through my body.  I would love to hear a few of yours (comments or posts)

So, my silly game today is substitute the word ‘fuck’ for kiss- so read the Gone With the Wind quote with that replacement. 

“No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” 

 (Quite the statement and one that resonates with me right now)

or the Lita Ford line

“kiss me once, kiss me twice.  Come on pretty baby kiss me deadly”

When I kiss you, I can taste your soul.” – Carrie Latet

Oh the opening lines to As Time Goes By takes on a whole new dimension-

You must remember this,
A kiss is just a kiss,
A sigh is just a sigh,
The fundamental things apply,
As time goes by.

Then of course the song Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer becomes a very different song and that open hand makes me wonder about a spanking- 

Oh, kiss me, beneath the milky twilight
Lead me out on the moonlit floor
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance
Silver moon's sparkling
So kiss me

the rest of that song is fair game so have fun with it.  Well, time to go become human, can’t wait to see what my kinky cagemates come up with!

this song was to remind me not to tread trodden trails.  Being angry and hating someone for the way they treated you, may fade.  I’m ok with that for now loving to hate makes things easier.

No named bars dead end stars
Empty roads to nowhere
Unlocked cars life is so far
There's no here to get there
As fast as I run
Could you catch me for once
It's the last time, I learn my lesson the hard way
Because you lost
Because I just love to hate you
Because you lost me
Cold and clean, perfect dream
I don't have or want them
Hand me down, white washed town
Another boring anthem
As fast as I run
Could you catch me for once
It's the last time I learn my lesson the hard way
Because you lost
Because I just love to hate you
Because you lost me
You lost
You lie to me
You lie
You lie to me
You lie
You lie to me
As fast I run
Could you catch me for once
It's the last time I learn my lesson the hard way
Because you lost
Because I just love to hate you
Because you lost me
You lost
Because I just love to hate you
Because you lost me

Songwriters: Martin Gore

we aren’t Percy and Mary, not fire and ice no 

we are earthquake and ocean welling up in a walled tsunami that crashes on the shore destroying everything in its wake.

we are droughted forest and lightning. We burn and scorch the earth rendering it all useless. Destroying innocent blameless creatures in the smoldering wreckage 

we are two plates of the earth slamming together we grind and gnash until we are ripped asunder leaving a gapping chasm and destroying everything built up on us.

we are no fairytale, not happily ever after.  We are a tragedy in three parts and a comedy of errors.  
I am the oyster content to live on the ocean bed.  You are the diver, ripping me from my peace, dragging me to the surface. Then you and your clumsy hands and sharp blade try to pry me open and for what? To steal the only precious thing inside me, a treasure I created.  Nevermind to claim it you destroy me, killing me in the process.  Is that fair?

we are as we have always been, as we are and always shall be.  A train wreck that can’t be stopped even slamming down the brakes.  Around us, they cannot look away but witness the destruction and chaos we create.  We walk away until next time and there always was a next time.  
I can’t anymore.  Throw my broken shell back into the ocean. I might be destroyed but I will be at peace.

Let me say this before I get into this; I may not be around quite as much for the next week or so.  I will check in when I can.  Because hey I have an Ipad and a phone.  So if I miss getting to say this to you- Have a super sparkly day!  And for those who know 9 days still standing- hard but still standing.  I am thankful for unexpected wonders and friends lost and gained.  Maybe more, but...

On to Bastille... (have I mentioned that I love Bastille- a lot- more than you think - a lot.)  Today it is

Million Pieces - Bastille

I breathe in hard
Don't speak, 'cause it's like a bitter pill
You blow my mind
It makes my heart beat
Harder, harder, harder, hard
The king's a clown
No one is love and it's not a drill
Don't look outside
The world is ending
Faster, faster, faster, faster, fast
The echoes of that news ring loud
(The echoes, the echoes)
No sound can ever drown it out
(The echoes)
It breaks my heart
Beaks my heart into
A million pieces, oh
It breaks my heart into
A million pieces
If it's gonna break me
Won't you let me go
Leave it 'til the morning
I don't wanna know
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart into
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
A million pieces
We're too far gone
Nothing I say will mean anything
Just drink, fuck, dance
Right through disaster
I don't want to talk about it now
The echoes of that news ring loud
(The echoes, the echoes)
No music ever drowns it out
(The echoes)
It breaks my heart
Beaks my heart into
A million pieces, oh
It breaks my heart into
A million pieces
If it's gonna break me
Won't you let me go
Leave it 'til the morning
I don't wanna know
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart into
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
A million pieces
Get fear and loathing out your mind
And don't pull me, don't pull me down from the ceiling
It breaks my heart
It beaks my heart into
A million pieces, oh
It breaks my heart into
A million pieces
If it's gonna break me
Won't you let me go
Leave it 'til the morning
I don't wanna know
Breaks my heart
Breaks my heart into
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
A million pieces
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Songwriters: Daniel Campbell Smith / Mark Blair Crew

I started this morning with Washing of the Water by Peter Gabriel, but just could NOT do that today.

Great song though, give it a try.  I flipped through other Peter Gabriel songs, The Veil is excellent too.

Biko is wonderful but too heavy with the news of the world today. 

But since I was completely feeling Peter Gabriel today. MY very very favorite song by Peter Gabriel is one of the best known. This is due to the film Say Anything (the iconic scene was originally supposed to be an Elvis Costello song he declined and thank you for that Mr. Costello)

It still brings me to tears but in a welling up of the soul not sorrow. Doesn't everyone want to be loved like that, where someone can see everything in your eyes- the light the heat, to be that ultimate place of peace where you can lay everything you are in the outside would down and be.. just be. (ok there's your BDSM slant on the piece)  So today's song is In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel

The video is from the Secret World tour (I got to see this live and OMG)

In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel (radio edit)

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes
In your eyes, in your eyes

I was driving into the city today and this song came on... I almost lost my voice with this one on repeat.

Sometimes Chris darling, you do make me feel better, except when you make me cry.

Over You

Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now, I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you
You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes, so I could see
That you never were the best for me
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now, I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running a long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now, I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together (oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh, yeah)
I'm putting my heart back together (oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh, yeah)
'Cause I got over you (oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh, yeah)
'Cause I got over you (oh, ooh-oh-oh)
I got over you
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through
I got over you

Songwriters: Brian Howes / Chris Daughtry

When this came out in 2016 I hadn’t heard it.  A friend sent it to me and told me what it made her think of… I don’t see what she saw, but I do see it’s reflection in other places.  To me it is those words you say not realizing what you are doing to the person you speak to. “But you were mine” (past tense) and then to break that “I confessed a longing I was dreaming of, some better love.” But then to realize what you sought, you may lose because of chasing something imagined when what was truth is slipping away, “Darling, feel better love.”  
I have been on both sides of this, the one so nearly lost and the one who has to confess that they were wrong or lose someone.  In short I LOVE this song because it speaks deep of longing and loss and maybe redemption.  “Darling, Darling, feel better love.”

Better Love

I once kneeled in shaking thrill
I chase the memory of it still, of every chill
Chided by that silence of a hush sublime
Blind to the purpose of the brute divine
But you were mine
Staring in the blackness at some distant star
The thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are
To the wild and to the both of us
I confessed the longing I was dreaming of
Some better love, but there's no better love
Beckons above me and there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
Darling, feel better love
Feel better love
And I've never loved a darker blue
Than the darkness I have known in you, own from you
You, whose heart would sing of anarchy
You would laugh at meanings, guarantees, so beautifully
When our truth is burned from history
By those who figured justice in fond memory, witness me
Like fire weeping from a cedar tree
Know that my love would burn with me
We'll live eternally
'Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
'Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, darling, feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
Feel better love
'Cause there's no better love
That beckons above me, there's no better love
That ever has loved me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
'Cause there's no better love
That's laid beside me, there's no better love
That justifies me, there's no better love
So darling, feel better love
Feel better love

Songwriters: Andrew John Hozier-Byrne

Dive - Ed Sheeran

Oh, maybe I came on too strong
Maybe I waited too long
Maybe I played my cards wrong
Oh, just a little bit wrong
Baby I apologize for it
I could fall or I could fly
Here in your aeroplane
And I could live, I could die
Hanging on the words you say
And I've been known to give my all
And jumping in harder than
Ten thousand rocks on the lake
So don't call me baby
Unless you mean it
Don't tell me you need me
If you don't believe it
So let me know the truth
Before I dive right into you
You're a mystery
I have traveled the world, there's no other girl like you
No one, what's your history?
Do you have a tendency to lead some people on?
'Cause I heard you do, mmh
I could fall or I could fly
Here in your aeroplane
And I could live, I could die
Hanging on the words you say
And I've been known to give my all
And lie awake, every day
Don't know how much I can take
So don't call me baby
Unless you mean it
Don't tell me you need me
If you don't believe it
So let me know the truth
Before I dive right into you
I could fall or I could fly
Here in your aeroplane
And I could live, I could die
Hanging on the words you say
And I've been known to give my all
Sitting back, looking at
Every mess that I made
So don't call me baby
Unless you mean it
Don't tell me you need me
If you don't believe it
So let me know the truth
Before I dive right into you
Before I dive right into you
Before I dive right into you

Songwriters: Benjamin Levin / Ed Sheeran / Julia Michaels

A while back I took down my original blog- 728 pages, Times New Roman 12pt font 145,260 words- Yes, I write a lot, not all of it good.  This new version of my blog is more song lyrics so far.  Not as much advice... I think I am still cocooning, g-d knows what will come out. But sometimes, I have to reflect on things, journals from the past and bad poetry. My music diaries tell me a great deal.  But this previous blog post from three years ago, rang true this early morning.

The current battle with my body is a bit different, more akin to the pain I described from my childhood.  And while it is excruciating, life has to continue.  Serious illness and chronic illness puts a spin on things.  The more dire, the more you reflect on things, not always a positive, but you do tend to realign your priorities. This time, like this earlier entry, a dynamic has ended (actually the same reoccurring one). I believe being ill has made this break more permanent and allowed me a freedom to consider other "options". Strangely this entry is from the same time of year, only 2020.  Anyway, I liked the way this frames things.  So I am reposting it.

We Are Eternal, All This Pain Is An Illusion 11/7/20

The title is from the Tool song Parabola

I remember being a child and dealing with treatments that were INP. I learned that there is a point where the pain tunes out. I remember laying in the bed and telling myself again and again just few more minutes. My brain would rattle around in my head and bounce from thought to thought. Anywhere but that moment I was living and anything but that pain.

Facing the pain of a three week long headache- I found myself hearing these lyrics. How suddenly, the pursuits of my flesh and emotions seemed trivial. How much easier it was to say... this does me no good or this is no longer necessary. This person’s shadow seems much less dark and encompassing when there are greater battles to be fought than for the attention of a man.

This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality
Embrace this moment, remember
We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion