Finding Me

Everything I am writing tonight is with the express consent of my Master. He has given me full license to write anything that is in my heart about Him. 

My Master, MSO, the love of my life - the most complicated, aggravating, beautiful man I have ever met.  He is my best friend, my lover, my Master. He knows more about me than anyone else. And He never judges. 

He is kind, funny, charming and so incredibly sexy. But there is something about Him that just soothes me. He takes me in his arms and I relax completely. MSO isn't the kind of Dom that demands submission. Each step I have taken towards him has been my choice, willingly falling at his feet because of my overwhelming love and respect for Him. 

It has not been an easy path for us. I was fragile and afraid and I ran. I loved Him but I left. Then he cheated on me. I had never felt that type of pain and emptiness. 

But Master, you and I are bound together. Wound through each other's hearts and minds. You are everything to me. You are not perfect. You have faults. Things you have done have hurt me deeply. But I believe you when you say I am all you need. We walk together and we stay together. Neither of us is perfect my love, but we are perfect for each other.

I love you Master - forever. I am so happy to be your sub.

What do I desire Master? 

Above anything else I desire to please you. I want to make you happy in every way - in every thing that I do. 

I desire to be with you. I want to talk to you, hold you, be intimate with you. It is the most wonderful part of my day. 

I desire your faithfulness and loyalty, never wavering. I can't share you. I can't question your love. I can't ever go through that again. 

I desire you to be strong and powerful Master. I want you to push me to the edge of my physical and mental limits. I am completely in your hands.

I doubt this is exactly what you had in mind when you gave this assignment. But I desire you Master, in every way. This path that we are on isn't always easy,  but my desire is that each day we love, trust and respect each other more. Forever my love - that is my greatest desire. 

I love you Master

It was a simple task. Write a blog about what kneeling means to me. Yet this has been very difficult to write, both because it is an intensely personal experience and because the emotions are complicated and raw. It is difficult to explain the feelings from kneeling naked in submission at his feet, wearing only His collar.

Emotionally - I am flooded with love and warmth for Him. Physically - every nerve in my body is alive. My heart races, my body is warm, I want him desperately.  Psychologically - I feel safe and protected by Him. And Mentally - I am completely and totally at peace. There is no anxiety or tumult in my mind.

As I kneel, these emotions flood through me until He chooses to touch me. And then the Fire begins!

Sinking to my knees and bowing my head. 

My heart pounding

My body quivering

Waiting for My Master's touch. 

I never really understood

Until this moment of perfect submission.

The power of Domination

The electricity and the fire.

And now I am alive

Waiting at your feet

For your touch to bring me alive. 

The easier they come

The faster they go

Flashing through my life

Like Polaroids

On an old time camera 

Pleasantries, flirtations

Insincerities 

Goodbye

Click, click, click

Take the pictures

Look once or twice

Then thrown in a pile 

With all the rest

Trust is an interesting thing. It builds slowly over time. Each conversation, each part of life shared, each intimacy builds a block. You believe after months and hours of conversation, that you are standing on a firm foundation. You share the pain from your life. You give of your strengths and your weaknesses. You tell your hopes and your dreams. You listen, you care, you walk through each day together. Everything inside you is opened up and disclosed, vulnerable, raw - given to Him. Until you achieve the level of ultimate trust and complete connection with another person that you never knew could even exist.

And then you learn of the betrayals and the lies. Suddenly that foundation collapses under your feet. You lie broken and battered at the bottom. Confused and suddenly alone. There is nothing left of the trust you worked so long to establish except dust scattered around you.

Trust is an interesting thing. It is the foundation, the glue that holds us together. It can bind us so tightly we will never let go. But the bond that takes months to build takes only an instant to destroy. Trust is such a delicate thing upon which we place our hearts.

In my last blog I said that I was leaving The Cage. Uncharacteristically, I did not say why. I wanted to leave because I was scared and hurt. And when that happens - I run. It is one of my worst qualities. I need to change. 

Several people reached out to me, and I appreciate each person who did.  One very kind Dom took the time to help me explore why I was leaving and whether it was a good move for me right now. 

I said when I rejoined that I needed friends in this community. I am making those friends. Forgive me for flaking out on you. I have a lot of self-exploration to do before I really know exactly who I am. But I know I need to do it. I can't go back to vanilla - not now that I know the depths of emotion and sensation possible from serving a Dom that I love. 

I know it will take me a long time to heal and maybe even longer to find someone for me, but I have to move forward. No more running for Vic, and no more lone wolf.

After asking myself a lot of questions over the last several days, I have decided that this is not the place for me. I very much appreciate the advice I have received and the chats I have had. Goodbye and thank you. Hugs

     I am still new. I know that. But I know the power of a collar and a D/s relationship. It is so incredibly intense, so overwhelming for the submissive, and it revolves around trust and communication. 

     I don't care about anyone's particular kink or whether they are in in monogamous or polygamous relationship. But please Be Honest! Communicate! Know enough about yourself and your own needs and desires before you enter a relationship to know whether you can do a monogamous relationship. Never put a collar on a sub promising they are the only one and then cheat on them. Because it is devastating. Every day becomes a lie. Every act of trust, every communication from you becomes suspect.

     Subs open up everything - heart, body, mind and soul for their Dom. Doms have a responsibility not to fuck with that. Just be honest from the start. Lying and cheating is not okay. 

There has been a change in the last few days, a thawing, a re-awakening. It is so new and fragile that I have been afraid to write about it. But my Master and I are slowly finding our way back to each other. 

By going through this experience, of losing him and being alone, I have learned so much. I learned that He is everything to me. Without him in my life, just to talk to and share with? The world becomes a very cold and empty place. I knew that I loved Him before. I didn't know until he was gone that He was threaded through my very existence. Woven into me and supporting me in a hundred ways I never even realized until He was gone. 

So day-by-day we hold hands and walk down the path together. Rebuilding trust, communication, and allaying fears. Every step is beautiful because it is a step I did not think I would get to take, holding His hand. I am loved. I have all the time in the world. I can be patient. He is worth every moment. He makes my heart sing...