My Thoughts

I've decided to give writing a shot. Maybe it will help me understand myself better. To some it may seem as if I make no sense, but bare with me. I'm not very good with words.
2 days ago. Wed 21 Feb 2018 08:18:50 AM IST


1 week ago. Tue 13 Feb 2018 07:08:50 AM IST

I never thought I could ever be this happy until I met Sir.  Every day he amazes me by his kind and loving, yet encouraging words. He helps me see the beauty within me, us, and this lifestyle. He calms my mind and heart. He provides structure for me, but he listens to what I have to say as well. Though ultimately the decision is Sirs, which I am more happy to hand over to him. I never knew a bond such as this, or that it was even possible. I've seen people talk about it. But never have I experienced anything of this level in all my life. Im excited to be on this journey with my Sir. And I hope that in all I do and learn I make my Sir proud and honor him as he should be..


ShellyBean xxx

1 month ago. Tue 16 Jan 2018 06:45:42 AM IST

So my ex Dom sent me this via text. I'm numb, gutted  and very hurt, how does one move on from this? When all that keeps running through my head are these words.It baffles me how someone can be so cruel. He wasnt always this way. For a long time, I was happy. And I thought I made him happy as well.. this is a man I truly loved. 


You meant nothing to me. You were just a game. I dont care if you die. Your fat ass repulsed me. Go find a man that actually likes fat fucks like you.

Women are for sex, nothing more you dumb bitch.

2 months ago. Tue 05 Dec 2017 08:46:14 PM IST

Here I am sat... Desperately wanting to spill all that is inside me out onto this computer and I find myself stumped as to how, what words do I use? how do I let them freely come? I'm my own worst enemy..  I need to express myself! I need to let all that is in me out but I cannot and I'm so frustrated. There are so many thoughts, feeling, emotions within me. I must learn a way to release these pent up emotions. I feel like a big ball of confusion. Maybe there's is to much? Maybe I fear looking weak? Maybe I need to allow myself to be weak..I don't always have to be strong...right?  I don't even know what the heck I'm writing... But funnily enough... As confusing as this ramble might have been... I feel a bit better...a bit xxxxxx

4 months ago. Mon 23 Oct 2017 06:57:41 PM IDT

Someone recently told me that a masochist will sometimes return to an abuser. I like pain, I crave pain. Physical pain doesn't frighten me. Emotional pain  terrifies me. I find myself gravitating back towards a man who is very good at mental /emotional manipulation. I don't understand why I find myself thinking of him. I know I will never return. BUT I do find myself slipping from time to time. The odd thing is, it's his well being I find myself concerned with. I want to save him. To me that sounds odd, why do I think he needs saving. Or is it really me? I feel like something is truly off with me at times lol because even though he hurt me, I find myself very sad and emotional at the thought of him hurting inside. Again I'm new to writing. If this confused the hell out of you lol, just wait I'm sure it will get even more confusing down the road. xx ❤