My life and the buried desires

I'm here wondering if it's worth it to try again I'm so afraid the Master that choose me or that I agree to be with would be too perfect and all my flaws will be there for him to see as clear as day will he keep me or let me go then I think to myself why am I going down that road everyone is entitled to his or her own choice and the flaws that I have made me who I am I'm so out of sorts that I am coming to the realization that I have been too long without a master. 

I also learned a while back that this lifestyle is basically a necessity to those of us who needs it just like the body needs food and water the mind needs a safe space where it can both dominate or control for Doms/Masters and also the release of control for submissives.

Yes we can live a normal PC life but once your eyes have been opened you will always feel that missing piece,  that complete release and if you don't have a person in your life that gives you that balance for some reason nothing seems to go right or even if it does something is still missing.

Maybe it's just me I don't know. 

So in my twenties I was that outspoken girl the one who if I saw someone and was attracted to him I would walk up to them and say hello it was on one of these occasions I met my first dom, i was taking the train home late one night from work and he was the conductor we chatted about nothing in general just normal stranger conversation to pass the time but at the end of my route I give him my number "written with eyeliner, I didn't have a pen" he called me the next day I asked why he said he just has a feeling about me. One thing led to another after chatting for a couple days sex talk came into play he asked about my likes and dislike what I was willing to try or do I'm naturally adventurous so I said I'm normally into anything once it's not over board the first time he was a little dominant in the bedroom I don't know if he was testing me and if I was really into what was happening between us but after that we had a discussion about how I felt and if we could continue at first I expect safe words straps clamps etc. But there were non of those when I asked about it he said we won't need safe words because as my master I should trust him enough to know my limits and if there is anytime I feel uncomfortable or unsure about something we could always stop and assess the situation. As for the toys he told me those come later when he know my body and it's every reaction for me that was the moment I fully submitted to him entirely it wasn't even about the sex after that it came a time when I didn't ever have to ask for what I needed weather I just need a spanking, slaps, being tied up for hours or simply being on display he knew what I needed and I always wore his marks as a badge of honor because my master gave them to me so why should I cover them up.

So when people ask if I have found my master yet and I say I'm waiting for the right one to click with its someone like him I'm looking for I know that the won't be the same but someone as close as is what I'm waiting for I'm looking for a daddy/dom/master who takes his time to know his sub/baby/slave body better than she does.

The first time I consciously realized I was a sub/brat I was 19 going on 20 here I was having sex with someone I was really into outside the bedroom but during sexy times it was bland obviously I ignored it trying to stay in this relationship then like any good Brat I started to push my boundaries I would act out for no reason just because I could or I would push my then partner to the limits but instead of me seeing this and stopping I continued to the point I started to pity him for staying with me so to save us both from making a larger mistake by staying together I ended the relationship. I stayed single for a while but I have a high sex drive so I ended up meeting a guy in a club we will call him X he took me home and there I was about to be a brat and push my limit and he looks at me an says NO in a tone of voice that almost made me cum well tried again and got a spanking for that shit. After X sat me down and asked me if I knew why I responded like that to him and he then explained to me what he believes my sexual kink I asked a few question such like why am I this way? will I ever be happy with just regular sex he told me yes but I may never be fully satisfied he directed me to a few books and websites where I could learn more and did I ever there is where I learned that I loved to be tied up, spanked I also learned I would never be a dom or a switch I'm just a submissive there is nothing wrong with wanting someone to take care of me and being at their beak and call for what ever needs they want. I never spoke to X again after that my happy he showed me what was missing