Questions about end of play/relationship and hiding kinks

Questions about end of play/relationship and hiding kinks

Patches Barbs​(switch female) • Jan 11, 2019

So I am going through a confusing and difficult time after my boyfriend/play partner since last May came for a visit, the first time we had seen each other since the beginning of the fall semester. We had been together multiple times over summer and had amazing sessions and sex. He was somewhat lukewarm on our visit, after teasing me/vice versa on phone/web for months, calling me love, saying he loved me...
On our visit after a couple of days he said he thought he had lost a lot of passion for me he felt in summer, and pretty much we came to terms with him not being ready for a relationship.

We talked all this over the following couple days & said that we want to remain friends and play partners, but I was the one really reaching out initially and trying to show understanding about the relationship ending, and let him know I still wanted to play and do all those fun things we had loved w no pressure. He seemed to agree pretty enthusiastically.

Then nearly a week later, no attempt whatever to talk to me. Not even a text asking how I am...

The icing on that cake is I saw his FetLife profile changed.... He added a bunch of kinks.
Some are hard limits for me . Some are just gross, only a couple gross ones but yeah. And almost ALL nothing I would be into, and that he directly lied/chose not to tell the whole truth and thinks that's fine; it's his disrespect and mindset are 2 different things and he's apparently got no time to even text me but time to add that shit on fetlife and let me see it on the internet the first time instead of just telling me. After talking daily since May.

I started wondering something.... My kink is sorta unusual, but nearly every account on Fetlife with this kink, their bio/notes will center on it take up huge amts of the bio with talking about it, take up some their pics saved lol. On his, he hint's around what we do. But his profile never goes into it directly. Doesn't mention it. Other than it lists fetishes but that's a complicated things where tickling can get lost amid so many. He seems more like a generic subby dude than anyone. But because of his apparent fetish for lots that he never told me, and the fact he is trying to join a dungeon on a reg, and his profile stays silent on his big fetish (he watches enough porn of it if he isn't the most into it!!) .... I felt like he is maybe kinda trying to be part of the "scene" near him but hide his fetish there too, and take part without it involved or admitted to. He can do what he wants because we broke up. Just curious if anyone else here would wonder about his sudden "scene/party" interest and lack of specifics on what most of the play he does is and what fetish community he is part of? Is he ashamed by his kink and being vague/quiet about it purposely, now that he's signed up for a bunch of meetups/parties? That are not specific to this kink lol?

CrimsonPaw • Jan 11, 2019

Hi, sorry to hear about your relationship fizzling out. It happens often. But we get to pick up the pieces, learn something from the experience, and move on to the next.

The first though that popped in my mind, is boundaries. We all need to respect them.

It sounds like he is exploring his kinks, getting involved in his local community, and moving forward. I'm not certain what the problem is with that. My kinks change often. Sometimes I'll fantasize about a specific kink, but when I actually experience it, I realize I don't enjoy it. Most recently, I had kinks listed as hard limits. After exploring them, I've realized they arouse me. We should all be continuing to grow, explore, and mature.

My best advice would be to give him his space. Let him explore his kinks, new kinks, and meet others in his local BDSM community. Continuing to learn and grow to better oneself usually ends up being a good thing.

Patches Barbs​(switch female) • Jan 11, 2019

You are right... A lot of my concerns were over what a shock some of this was to me to see, especially things that had previously been hard limits or met with adamant claims that he had very negative feelings towards them. A lot of the wondering is more due to the feeling that I was being lied to during the relationship. Wondering how far it really went and such. There's nothing wrong with him exploring his kinks now that we are not together, and you are right that moving on is best for both of us.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 11, 2019

I don't mean to be rude or harsh. But I think my question for you is why does any of what he does matter? He has made it very obvious that he doesn't respect you enough to keep you updated. His feelings are probably very different than yours. And it sounds like you are incredibly unfulfilled with in this relationship.



I know that you are emotionally involved here. But quite frankly he is not. It is easiest thing in the world to send I love you texts. However backing that up with actual time, attention, and desire to see both of your needs fulfilled is simply not there.



My personal take is that you need to start asking yourself why you're spending so much time on someone who has no time for you.



Stop asking about him. Start asking about you. What do you want? What do you need? How do you want to be fulfilled by a partner?

Patches Barbs​(switch female) • Jan 11, 2019

Truthfully yes unfulfilled was a good word for how I was feeling. The end of this relationship is very very recent (yesterday for me deciding he has not been a good enough friend to consider a true one let alone to be a play partner; about a week for the end of the romantic side of things.). It's new. I did spend a lot more attention/effort I felt like and so I see what you mean and don't plan to continue with this. I felt a lot of confusion over what seemed to be unexpected and unexplained changes to the way he approached our relationship and felt a bit blind-sided to be honest. But I just needed an outlet I suppose and know that he isn't someone I should spend my time worrying about any longer.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 11, 2019

Good luck on your journey. And I look forward to hearing your posts and comments on the cage

Re: Questions about end of play/relationship and hiding kink

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jan 12, 2019

I cant add much more (to the good advise you've already been given) but often the "adding of kinks" is akin to a new haircut and out fit when you've broken up in the vanilla world. Its just a new beginning. Something isn't new, unless you add to it. Not added to, its the same. Hes just spreading his wings and seeing where the winds take him...as should you Best of luck as you move forward.