Looking for Guidance

Looking for Guidance

poppy19​(sub gender queer) • Jan 10, 2019

Hi all! First time posting and first time everything. I've never been a part of the lifestyle but have tried enough things to know that I would like to be part of a D/s relationship. There are a lot of barriers and wanted some advice as to how to navigate things safely and wisely.

1. I live in an area where the BDSM scene is practically non-existent. I don't know how I feel about connecting with a group of people as I'm pretty anxious and have my own issues to deal with.

2. This is on my profile, but I should state here that I'm in a polyamorous relationship and looking for a partner. I don't know how well polyamory and D/s work together. I suspect it's going to be about communicating with partners but I don't know how realistic finding a Dom/ltr all-in-one is.

3. I suspect that in the beginning of this journey, I'm going to have to limit my interactions to mostly online communication. I've no idea how a D/s relationship would work long-distance.

Help/advice with any of these concerns would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Freya369 • Jan 10, 2019

Sorry..but your post is all over the place. If you could help us unpack it, we might be able to help.

Firstly,

Polyamourous relationship...yours...what does this actually entail and mean to you?

poppy19​(sub gender queer) • Jan 10, 2019

No, it's definitely all over the place. I didn't know how or where to start so I just dove in. Figured something had to be better than nothing.

I have a long term partner (ltp) of 10+ years. We have discussed at length both of our needs and wants so within the last year, we agreed I could start dating. He has expressed no want or need for another intimate relationship. So, I guess the best way to describe the dynamic is one of a hinge or vee (if I'm using those words correctly). This isn't something terribly new to us but this is the first time I've been assertive about reaching out to others to find amother relationship.

In looking for another partner, I don't want someone who is just there for sexual romance/intimacy. There should be a support network and give/take on both our parts. Sharing emotional/mental/physical challenges to our lives is an important component of a partnership to me. I don't want to be on the periphery of someone's life and I don't want them to feel like their on the periphery of mine.

Hopefully, that makes sense.

Freya369 • Jan 10, 2019

Much better.
So you have been open, clear and hopefully understood regarding your BDSM intentions?

Has there been a detailed discussion regarding if and when you find a new partner, what criteria will most likely will take place for the current relationship? Does it end? Continue? Inclusive? Once both of you are in agreement, then your search can begin. It remains only then, that potential partners are told of this arrangement.

One of the things, that gets me mostly in not water, is not setting and keeping to priorities.I

Does that make sense?

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 10, 2019

Hello!!


Here are links in Indiana for people and groups. Including Bloomfield.


https://www.fetish.com/united+states/indiana



http://www.the-iron-gate.com/munches/18





Many ppl in BDSM have social anxieties and other issues which stop them from being a social is they would like to be. Part of what can help relay that is to email the event organizer pre-event so that you have a friendly face who knows who you are when you walk through the front doors. Event organizers are used to receiving these types of emails and most of an organizers are used to putting people at ease.



Although social anxiety is are a very valid concern when joining any group. You will often times find these Community groups are very welcoming .



Bdsm and polyamory are known to work well together. Inside there is a huge crossover with polyamory, swingers, it people, and sci-fi Geeks.




Long distance communication and being able to answer questions online are an excellent way to get resources. However,
BDSM is just like driving a car. You can read all of the resources and do all the YouTube videos that you want but unless you're actually in the car going down the road you're really basing everything on theory.



BDSM a lot like polyamory is something that you have to experience in real time.

I am not knocking my BDSM only online relationship friends here.


What I am saying is if you are brand new, then maybe actually getting the feel of it under your belt is critical for when you are trying to be a dominant online.


Not having any practical knowledge or experience of BDSM can create unsafe Dominant requests, and unrealistic standards.

poppy19​(sub gender queer) • Jan 11, 2019

Freya369, open and honest communication is at the cornerstone of my ltr. There are no secrets when it comes to this subject. I take no action unless my partner and I have discussed it AND he is 110% comfortable. I've told him if he ever changes his mind, then all he has to do is say no. Our relationship is precious to me and I would do nothing to purposefully injure it.

"Has there been a detailed discussion regarding if and when you find a new partner, what criteria will most likely will take place for the current relationship?"

My partner and I have sat down many times and discussed what polyamory would look like for us but the last few weeks, we've had to navigate the bdsm aspect as we go. That mostly means me trying to imagine what a relationship would look like without actually having it. My partner knows I don't know 100% what will happen right now; but, at this point, we know where the hard limits are for our relationship--what kind of stress it can take.

"Does it end? Continue? Inclusive? Once both of you are in agreement, then your search can begin. It remains only then, that potential partners are told of this arrangement."

My relationship with him is too important to sacrifice for this particular path. Would it be ideal to have another partner who is also able to meet my sub needs? Absolutely. But i'll live. And this has been communicated. When I find another partner, I am going to hold the same standard of communication.

And all of that makes perfect sense. Knowing how to prioritize relationships and boundaries is a difficult task and I can see how that is an easy bad habit to fall into! I do so myself even with work relationships, friendships, etc. So I know that concern all too well.

Thank you for all your help, Freya369!

poppy19​(sub gender queer) • Jan 11, 2019

Replying to you, MasterBear!

I had no idea such resources existed! I'll have to do some heavy research to figure out how to proceed--some of the links look empty or broken (an absolute shame, but such is life).

It's good to hear that social anxiety isn't uncommon among bdsmers. I always got the impression that kinksters/bdsm folk were extroverts and just very ready to jump into any situation with people. When I find a meeting to attend, I'll definitely take your suggestion and email the host so I can have a friendly face to connect with irl.

You also make a really good point about theory and practice when it comes to both bdsm and polyamory. Admittedly, I'm terrified and probably (okay, most definitely) using online as a way to put distance between myself and something very real. But, all risk comes with some fear, yeah? Hopefully, I can find enough good people and resources here on Cage to feel well-prepared to tackle on challenges. I definitely wanna make sure I can avoid falling into bad relationships.

Thank you for reaching out!

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 11, 2019

Abosulutely not so. For some yes, for others no. Online poly and BDSM and Ds can be very fulfilling when done online. Sure there are things that can't be done as part of that but also many things that can. I think it a great shame that once again 'real time' is being used rather than 'physical world', online is real, and is valid and is not a second class option. To present that 'physical world' is the only valid way to do BDSM etc shows a closed mind, smells of one true wayism and gate keeping. Its fine to say it doesn't work for some and does for others, but its not ok to make statements like you just did.

Some will sigh and say, here he goes again. Yes I am, anything that puts a block on the possible, closes a mind is wrong. Its as simple as that. People should be encouraged to be open about all the possibilities, sure they should be aware of the pluses and negatives and be free to try things or not. But to say this is the 'only way', is wrong.



Sorry but you are, and your words and those of others on here are very hurtful. Frankly I am sick and tired of having the wonderful thing I have with Savida pissed on, disrespected and attacked. I am tired of having to defend or justify what Wwe do. I will be frank here. What Savida and I have been doing, our relationship is one of the best BDSM relationships I have had. There is a depth and magic here that transends much of what I have done before, both online and physical world, and I am experienced in both worlds. I have been called a 'cyber dom' as insult, and told what I do is dungeons and dragons bullshit, and I am tired of seeing others try and close the door on the possibility others have of having what I have. If I was not open to online and only physical world, if I had listened to those who shit on online, then I would have missed out on meeting one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and I would have lost out big time.

It is fair to say that some don't find online meaningful or for them, but its not ok to say its not a valid way of living the lifestyle.

poppy19​(sub gender queer) • Jan 12, 2019

dollMaker, it sounds like you've got a lot of experience in lots of different types of the bdsm lifestyle. As I am a beginner and trying to figure out where and what is best for my life, what would your advice be? Did you start on this journey strictly online, strictly physically, or a mix? How does your relationship work long-distance? And anything else you think would be useful would be most appreciated!