I need advice

I need advice

BDSMbeats​(sub female){Owned} • Apr 3, 2019

Hi everyone, I'm new here, and so far I'm enjoying my time, but I came here because I was looking for some answers. Lately I've been struggling with being satisfied with my dominant, he seems to be all bark and no bite. I was the one who Introduced him into the BDSM lifestyle and we've been together for a long time now, but unfortunately we have only ever been long distance. I don't know what I can do as a submissive to make him more..."dominant" for lack of a better word. His bark has no bite, no punishments and minimal rough sex. It never seems to go beyond calling each other "master" and "pet." Is there anything that I can do as his sub to help him fit into this role? He does say he enjoys it when I ask, and I have asked a lot.

MasterRon​(dom male) • Apr 3, 2019

Talk - that's the golden goose of relationships (IMO).

Tell him the exact problem that you are having .. tell him that you don't feel that he is able to adapt to the role. Ask him if there is any problem. Or if he doesn't feel the same things you do.. If he is honest and forthcoming you should be able to figure out the actual cause of this..

Talk together and help each other out.. that's the best and the most amicable solution!

Cheers. And good luck ! ?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Apr 4, 2019

Masteroned gave you some great advise. He is spot on "Talk - that's the golden goose of relationships"
I do hope by talking you can sort it out and find a balance that works for you BOTH.

Another thing that might help is change up your thinking, just a little. Instead of being "reactive" to your Master, ask him if you can also be "proactive" for your Master. Please ask, dont just do. It can be seen as pushing by some, guidelines do need to be discussed (that magic word again). Its obvious from what you wrote, you need more so maybe being responsible for yourself more..might help! You also dont mention what type of sub you are (as in sexual service, domestic service etc) Knowing what motivates YOU to be and feel submissive, can help this situation greatly. Knowing your own motivations will help explaining your needs, wants and desires to your Master.

I'm going guess your motivation as a submissive is a little of all camps for my reply, so I can at least leave some examples of what I mean:
You said its long distance, so what can you "do" for your Master instead of "waiting" to be of use.
Can you manage anything for him remotely? Schedules? alarms? book work? research techniques? find porn that suits his needs and kinks? images that address what you both want? stories that rock both your worlds? Keep a dairy/journal for him? the list can be endless when you do look at what can be done remotely. An online couple I know use phone activated vibrators. The Domme receives an orgasm every morning as her wake up alarm from her male submissive. He also often, combines this with a voice call a minute later, so he can tell her things to get her hotter while her "wake alarm" goes off!! think outside of the box, what can you pervert to make it more interesting or sexy for you...and/or for him.

What skills do you bring to the relationship?
Can you upskill for him? to match his needs? One of my female sub friends recently took a stripping/burlesque and pole dancing course for her online Domme and now sends weekly videos that require an aspect of BDSM to be woven into her performance, like positions she had used in play that week or a toy that got used online. She also had to do a pedicure and manicure course, so she is well presented for her owner.
Could you perform for him..as in record acts that might get him running hot (at time when he wishes too) I wrote at time that he wishes too because you dont say how much distance is between you. Time zones can often be mismatched online and that can play havoc with a persons libido. Some times a little tweaking on the "when" can help. but even if "when" isnt an issue, he will have library of porn YOU made for his pleasure.

Could you put in place some protocols to your relationship that dont take a lot of effort on his behalf but do on yours?
For EG panty choice you wear for the day! one day a week he decides what you wear for the rest of the week. clothing works too. You can pre select your outfits, photo graph them and offer them up for his personal preference. You then send him a picture every day on his phone or email. video? To prove you followed through for his pleasure.
Self mantra are another idea, do you have one to him? said daily while edging they can make you feel more connected. Position practice etc. Edging etc. What routines in your own life do you feel you need guidance in? Could you list them? Could your Master run a quick check once a week to see if you completed things?
Do keep your own self in check, or could you? What rules have you broken? Document them. Explain them. Offer them up to your Master freely without being asked.
All of the above are proactive and less reactive. They involve you being motivated to please him. They involve you always being in submissive mind set..NOT waiting for him to put you in that mind set.

BDSMbeats​(sub female){Owned} • Apr 4, 2019

@missbonie
This is some really good advice, I am really glad you mentioned the things you did, I can go over and review each one. I hadn't considered I was being reactive rather than proactive and maybe I should have been putting myself more into that submissive mindset. I appreciate both your and masterzone's responses. Thank you so much.

Bunnie • Apr 4, 2019

@ MissBonnie, wow, thank you for sharing this... it’s such awesome advice... *pulls out notebook and pen*

Sunnie​(sub female) • Apr 4, 2019

@MissBonnie, thank you for sharing all the great advice. I appreciate it. I have already taken notes for future use.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Apr 4, 2019

I have very little to add to MissBonnie's well thought response. And so probably shouldn't.

But, I will just chip my nickle in that in my case, I am very much a D-type with very little submit in me, either in the bedroom or in life. However, one of the issues that I have run into with LDR versus the overwhelming majority of my life being experiences in the face-to-face world is that while I have proven that I can break and mold an s-type to my will, it is not my preference. Her submission should be a gift laid at my feet, a willing offering to me, if I truly resonate with her.

A punishment beyond a stern look has seldom been necessary in my own relationships outside of happy fun times when her inner "brat" or "prey" came out to play.

Although I can, and have, played in consensual non-consent, Consent is not just a big thing, it is the only thing for me. And being involved in a persistent struggle to wring submission from her, in any aspect, very much violates my personal code of ethics on the matter. MissBonnie nailed it when she clarified proactive submission versus reactive submission.

Does this mean that I am right and all the miserable little subbies who actively require a D-type to break and mold them are wrong? Abso-fucking-lutely not. It just means that their s-type and my preferred D-role would be a poor fit. There are a surfeit of D-types who thrive on the breaking and remaking. It's all about what fits and what doesn't.

And that is what the communications mentioned throughout has to do. We use the same terms; "Dominant," "submissive," "Master," "pet" et al. But, it's been my experiences that is a trap. We use the same terms, but very rarely do we mean exactly the same thing when we do.

It has also been my experiences that there is a whole world of potential pitfalls there as well. If a submissive mentions her desires, is she "Topping from the bottom?" Some would have it so. Some would have it no. My personal philosophy is that the submissives that I choose to interact with are more than welcome to discuss their desires with me. In fact, I actively need them to since in LDR is even more difficult to look at their ass and read their mind. Where it crosses the line (again, FOR ME) is when they tell me and I say no and rather than accepting the no, they then embark on a campaign to reshape and remold me into what they need and want. This is not submission to me, but subversion. It is not being a submissive, but being an attention whore.

Alternatively, many would say that my own predilection towards being guided by what she voices as a desire would be an indication that I am not the shaping force in the relationship, if they do not understand that I do give careful thought and weight to what would be best for her in her long term development, and how thoughtful I am in applying just how and when and in what measure her thoughts and desires are allowed room within the larger design. ***shrug***

Again, it's a matter of fit more than right or wrong. But, without communication beyond bandying about jargon that everyone "knows" and each has their own definition of, it's hard to say if it's a fit, or if you must quit.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • Apr 4, 2019

There's a whole lot of great advice in this thread. The thing that stands out most is he may just be a passive Dom. Not every Dom works well in a dynamic where they're the more active partner. Given that you were the one to introduce him to the lifestyle, even if you've been together for a long time, he may just be too inexperienced to know the what's and how's of making that work.

BDSMbeats​(sub female){Owned} • Apr 4, 2019

@nooneofconsequence and @azzabackam
Thanks so much for your perspectives, I like learning more and hearing different things concerning this particular topic. This is really helpful and I'm taking all of what you say into account.

Freya369 • Apr 4, 2019

Freya...putting her foot in it again...long distance...what does that mean exactly? Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship of any kind, if one is hardly in the same room as one's significant other? Although, I think dialogue is possible around needs, wants etc., I am baffled how this can be done with any appreciable effective intimacy..if not done face to face.

Just my thoughts...and I know not very encouraging...and maybe it's time to find out just how serious both of you are in this highly complex endeavour, after all you indicated you have been together for a while....maybe it is is just not a match.