Past Abuse/Present BDSM relationship

Past Abuse/Present BDSM relationship

KarmaCollar​(dom female) • Nov 21, 2019

This is a copied post from another topic I thought might be beneficial to have it's own thread. It's in regards to one partner attempting to protect the other (by denying themselves in approaching a kink subject they're interested in) in an attempt to protect them, emotionally.

For some women (myself included) early sexual abuse does not make them/us opposed or afraid of sexual exploration.

I have found retaking control of the situation to be VERY therapeutic and it helps knowing this is something a man WANTS and not me repeating an abuse on someone new.

Don't rule anyone out for anything, really, is what I'm saying. And while it's always hard/emotional/awkward to approach these issues, it may be a truly healing factor once initiated (or even giving him/her the option of closure by giving a hard-stop NO).

Belongs2Huntress​(sub gender fluid){Collared} • Nov 21, 2019

My current Mistress experienced abuse when she was just a child and still finds it difficult to ask for what she wants. She has given me a standing order to ask if she is in need of anything and ask often. She finds that this helps to have her needs met without fear of asking and receiving rejection.

Duke Montefort​(dom male) • Nov 21, 2019

When I was young I was sexually harassed and abused as well, but for different reasons. I'm sorry for your pain, but I've never known a woman to stop at NO! I don't think I'm healed though.

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 21, 2019

Is this just for Dom/mes who have experienced abuse/trauma and them taking control/being in charge? Or does it include subs who were abused/traumatized that are taking on the submissive role in a dynamic? This is a great topic!

KarmaCollar​(dom female) • Nov 21, 2019

Rope Bunny, I can only speak to my own experience and going D but I know there has to be psychological impact for/from every angle. It sounds like you would be the best person to express that aspect, if it's your experience. And I'm sure it could be beneficial to others to hear from a relatable point of view.

KarmaCollar​(dom female) • Nov 21, 2019

I'm not sure anyone ever is completely. And I don't think any one of us needs to apologise to another for things someone else did, but I appreciate the sympathy and certainly acknowledge your ongoing progress AND pain. This dynamic being helpful is only something I can speak to from my own perspective and just wanted to point out I've benefitted from it, personally. If you felt I was excluding male victims I truly apologise.

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 21, 2019

KarmaCollar,
OK, I just didn't want to comment erroneously if this was specific to Dom/mes.
I have had trauma and abuse in the past, but since I'm new to BDSM, I'm not sure I can speak on it from the subs point of view... I am married and it took lots of time and patience on both our parts to get to the point I could fully trust him. Not that I blame all men for the few who take advantage. All I can say is, be patient, build the trust on BOTH sides... Don't grow impatient with your sub or take it personally when the flinch or shrink away. And yes, it may seem odd for someone who has been sexually or physically abused to willingly put themselves in a position of having no control... But it could very well be how they learn to not let the fear of being hurt again rule their lives. How they move from being a victim (and feeling that that's all that they are) to being a warrior, a survivor.

I say the part of the victim and that being all they are, because that's my own experience until I met my husband and grew to trust him fully. He helped me to become more. That's not to say I automatically and fully trust someone else with giving up my control, it would still entail that building of trust.

Sorry that was so long winded...

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 22, 2019

1 in 3 women are sexually assaulted
For men its 1 in 4
1 in 5 women are sexually battered
For men is 1 in 38.


We live in a society where OVER 50% of women have experienced sexual abuse.



There is no right way to heal.


https://www.cdc.gov/injury/features/sexual-violence/index.html

RopeBunnie​(sub female){Not Lookin} • Nov 22, 2019

MasterBear,

Those are statistics based off of actual reported cases, correct? There are no statistics for unreported cases, so it could be higher for men as well, because they are less likely to report it, due to the stigma against men being abused. And you are absolutely correct, there is no right way to heal, we should just be supportive of each other and there to help each other, if we are able.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 22, 2019

@ropebunny


Yes. Could be higher for both- or rather all genders.

But this is what we know.