Is it wrong?

Is it wrong?

Warhorse​(dom male) • Nov 29, 2019

When planning a meet with a newbie. A brand new inexperienced sub. Should a experienced Dom pic the new subs outfit for the first meet. For example a new sub dresses in jeans a top with thongs as her normal everyday wear. If a Dom on the first meet tells her to wear jeans, a black thong and a top of her choosing is this wrong.

By choosing the new subs thong color this is a act of power exchange. Is it wrong to have any power exchange with a new sub ? Any at all on the first meet.

Second question if a new eager sub sends nudes that are close ups of genitalia that shows no identifiable marks that can show who that sub is. How should the dome handle this?

I am curious how others in the life view these. What is wrong with keeping with safe sane and consensual.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 30, 2019

Yes. It is wrong.

If you have not negotiated then you have no right to ask.

Secondly - you are asking someone to do this when they have no idea what the act means.

Third- they are brand new. Time for you to slow your roll and show restraint. Because a newbie sub is all hormones. Someone has to have a clear head.

Four: a new sub has a lot to learn - you are their gateway. So, prepping them for bdsm as a whole will make them better and safer.




Second question:

If the pics are not requested then it is a good time for you to have a strong discussion on what the new person is doing that could have potentially negative consequences.

Why do they feel compelled to do this?
Is it coming from a self empowered place?
What could this behavior mean to them and about them in the future?



I always think about how to make a newbie successful within bdsm as a whole. Not just with me.

Shiruba Doragon​(dom male) • Nov 30, 2019

Once there is an agreement between dom and sub, the dom may instruct thew sub in what to do. If the agreement has not yet been made then there is no D/s relationship. I the Dom gives instructions then it is up to the sub whether to obey them.

Warhorse​(dom male) • Nov 30, 2019

We have negotiated and discussed things like safe, sane and consensual as well as things like limits. What limits mean, how it is ok to have limits as well as safe words. What I expect out of subs. We have discussed how rules are agreed by both parties , how it is ok to disagree and need a rule changed. As well that punishments are discussed and will never be used to break a limit.

I am not disagreeing with you Bear just giving more info.

A follow up question to your second answer. What does the act mean? I have been told that once before and have not gotten a answer. Or a vague it is power exchange which I agree it is. So is a Dom picking the coffee house that the two would meet at. Both are power exchanges the sub is giving the Dom the power to choose for them.

The slow your roll comment I do agree with. Going to fast can lead to problems as for restraint I agree with that too. I think the issue I am having is if we have discussed and talked about consensual power exchanged and she has agreed to me picking the color of her thongs it may give her a misunderstanding that she is 100% mine. Is that what you mean by slow your roll? I do not get the excited " I will do anything without question even if it is not within safe, sane and consensual. " that you find in some new subs. She is very dominant in her day to day life so not a push over type newbie. Maybe I do need to rethink, becouse she has asked good questions and have shown that she has a good understanding as to her value as a person I may have moved to fast.

The pictures answer have given me a lot to think on thank you. I had assumed with today's social media that she did so becouse sites like tagged it is a social norm to send explicit pics to prospective partners. ( I dont but have received many)

I do need to say that I come across as a dick some times Bear that is not my intention. I truly appreciate that you took the time to answer and am looking forward to your response.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 30, 2019

@warhorse


Not at all!!

I think it was a really good question actually. I'm looking forward to others responses here.



As far as the pictures if you
Are getting a response that seems lacking of insight I don't let those things drop. I go back to it and ask for more information.


For me Insight is critical. And when I asked questions that are geared towards that information they are just as important for me as demanding an act of service.


As far as picking the coffee house. I would have actually had the s type do that. I would have also had them set up a safe call. I would have used your first meeting as a lesson to them on how to be safe in BDSM. They need to pick the place. It needs to be public. They need to have a safe call setup. They need to take a picture of your driver's license once they see you and send it to a trusted friend.



And so on.


What I mean by slow your roll is stuff that experienced BDSM folks consider a normal part of our day are very much so completely new and completely foreign. So my question to you is why would you ask somebody who you are meeting for the first time to choose their clothes?

Warhorse​(dom male) • Nov 30, 2019

I have dealt wiith new subs in the past. Some are the tourist type that are looking for kinky sex. Not actually wanting a D/s type realationship. I would choose to pick their clothes as a way to see what their reaction to it would be. To try and see by their response if they are a tourist or wanting a realationship based on power exchange. Not as a test to see if they are push over seeing what I could have them do. Not sure if I explained that correctly Bear

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 30, 2019

I completely understand that. It's a good way to vet. But it also might lead to them having some misunderstandings.

For me I don't pick anything. I want to know how they're going to come to me just as they are. Will they pick someyhing that they think that I would like?

Warhorse​(dom male) • Nov 30, 2019

Thank you Bear for your help. You have given me a lot to think about. Looking on it I need to make sure that she understand what she is agreeing to which in my mind was just that wearing the black thongs. I do fully plan on taking your advice about the safety aspects a lot of it I give out already. Never thought of her taking a pic of the drivers license to any new sub that would go a long way to making sure she is safe.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 1, 2019

I look forward to hearing how it went !