How often do you play?

How often do you play?

ThirtyFourPointFive • Dec 3, 2019

I enjoy the play planning but keeping it fresh over long periods of time is a difficult thing to do. For those of you who are in a Long Term Relationship, how often do your play? Are you always on as a Dom / sub 24/7 or are there vanilla times between? Are any of the couples out there straight thru the week and playing the part on weekends? My mind is pretty inventive, but I know there will be a time that I will hit a wall and run out of new ideas. Everyone is different and I am sure there will be different answers.
As for myself, I am trying to get a feel here on what is, shall we say... normal? (Ha!) Thanks.. Gary

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Dec 3, 2019

What is this..nor..norm..normal you speak off! *tilts head and looks confuzzled*
for myself one week, it can every day 24/7 and the next when we have time to grab for larger scenes (we are 24/7). At present its hit or miss but it is the start of the silly season AKA Christmas. I'm going to guess with commitments our time spent will be less. Its also summer in my neck of the woods so we tend to more out doors, till a later time. Winter we tend to play more.

Our roles don't revert, to use your words we are always on. I've described my Dominance before as like its on a dimmer switch. It doesn't go off but the brightness can vary. My sub/s are the same.
Unfortunately life comes with distractions that are sometimes not able to be over looked and BDSM will need to take a back seat. Some lives have kids, jobs and furbabies, some don't but we are all time poor. We face the same distractions that those in the 'nilla world do when it comes to "sex".

Researchers have been trying to answer for decades what is the "normal" amount of sex a couple "should" have. I believe the last answer for that was the amount, that the couple AGREED on, felt right (averaged out it was last documented at 54 times a year, over a lifetime). I believe within BDSM, those of us that have coupled within a relationship model, we just do "sex" differently and "love" different so the answer on frequency wont overly change. The number needs to be what the couple both feel is right for them.

What you will find is people wont give you an average number of times (just like those within the vanilla world), no one wants to feel judged if the number is lower. More often than not numbers are increased for that reason (sorry guys) with Men often reporting a higher number, than their female. When it comes to sex/play, people tend to fudge the numbers, BDSM numbers are no different. Penis size gets inflated, the number of lifetime partners is edited up or down, and how long a sex session lasts can be way exaggerated. More important is that YOUR number on frequency are linked to your over all happiness. Couples often make the mistake of shooting for some number in order to feel okay about their sex life. The truth is that whatever is comfortable for you and your partner is your normal. You don’t need to be having sex or playing any more or less than you’d like.

Zedland​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2019

For myself the answer to how often is deceptively simply, whenever the mood strikes. Of course reality is far more complex and limiting. But as long as you have the time, desire, a willing partner indulge yourself, and do not let your kink dominate your life do as much as you can/want. All evidence points to us only living once, might as well enjoy yourself.

As for whether or not I cease to "play my role" as it were? No, being a Dominant is an important part of who I am. That doesn't mean I tell my boss to go fuck himself, at least directly, or demand obedience from everyone I meet.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Dec 4, 2019

Right now we’re long distance so we typically only get to see each other Friday to Sunday (more days for holidays and such). But we play probably 4-6 times from Friday to Sunday. Usually only about 2 of those are more structured type scenes (full impact scenes, rope suspension, etc.) and the other times are more primal (especially on Friday nights when we haven’t seen each other all week). We’re always D/s though. So even if it isn’t a scene, it usually starts with me kneeling on either the floor or bed and there is always full power exchange. Even our “regular” play usually includes rope bondage, breath play, forced orgasms, spankings, hair pulling, and/or cloths pins. We’re just kinky people by nature so we don’t really know how to play together vanilla.

It’s nice to incorporate new things, but don’t worry about keeping it fresh all the time. Especially if there are certain kinks or types of play you both love. For example, my Sir will never tire of rope play and I will never tire of impact. It doesn’t always have to be new to be exciting.

ThirtyFourPointFive • Dec 4, 2019

My Boss's Boss is a true Self Absorbed Jerk, he will get a good "Fuck Off" one of these days.

ThirtyFourPointFive • Dec 4, 2019

Thanks to everyone for the replies, they are very helpful. I know sooner or later I am going to get some "Performance Anxiety" about keeping it interesting. Falling into a routine is sometimes very hard to avoid.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Dec 4, 2019

This is going to sound really silly but it helps me after decade of play keep it interesting...I have a mood box or that's what i call it anyway. I delve into into it every so often. My mood box is physical but you could make a digital one too. When I see a pic I like or art work, I print it and save it. A story I do the same. Some times its an item that triggers a feeling or something I've heard, I'll write it down. Every so often I drag out my mood box and see what sparks off ideas. Look at the pics that got you hot! How do you see it getting to that point? How long will it take?what will you need? Why are you doing so? whats the motivation? What does the sub get from it?

Look at the other bits in your mood box..what thoughts do they get running wild? you can even start to build themed plays using this method too....for EG you ended up with a pic or cut out from a mag of a wooden spoon and noticed you.. Hmm say had a pic of a naked sub with an apron on and another with her tied to the table. See how easy a scene can form. Another part of this idea that can work is let the sub keep a mood box too. it can also work as a look inside their head. Both ideas combine,d can make for some wonderful mutual inspiration.

You'll be fine. I just read your profile. You've been out of BDSM for awhile. I'm sure once you get the chance to let your kink flag fly, the creases from being stored will be out in no time at all. You'll remember everything that you enjoyed and loved.

ThirtyFourPointFive • Dec 4, 2019

Great Ideas MIss Bonnie. Thank you for the suggestions! Gary

makemeplease​(sub female){Prussian} • Dec 8, 2019

It's magnificent... Makes my heart race just thinking about it....

It knows no end.

Sometimes we have to "play nice" because of family or vanilla friends or because the mailman has epic-shitty (albeit hilarious in hindsight) timing....

But it never, ever ends.

(The safeword being uttered would be the exception, I suppose....)

♡♡♡

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 8, 2019

First off - love these questions.


For those of you who are in a Long Term Relationship, how often do your play?


Since my head injury it has been much less. Trying to deal with a head injury and working takes everything I have. My goal in January is the start attending others play parties with the goal of playing with beloved. Ideally I would like to play once a week. But we haven't met that in months.



Are you always on as a Dom / sub 24/7 or are there vanilla times between?

Our dynamic is always there. When we first moved to New Mexico bible of it was under a lot of strain and asked to be able to step out of her slave roll into a wife roll. We did that for a time. And when she was ready we stepped back into the power dynamic.


Are any of the couples out there straight thru the week and playing the part on weekends?


I am sure that there are we are not some of them. But however the dynamic works for others is what's critical to them.