What is a submissive really?

What is a submissive really?

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 30, 2020

It was brought to my attention recently that I am opinionated (Look out everyone...we got an observant one here). Anyone who knows me isn't going to be surprised by this. The statement was made by someone who has known me from early childhood. I had recently worked up the courage to tell him that I am a sub. His response was to laugh loud and long only to wind down enough to say, "You don't have one submissive bone in your body! How in the world did you ever come to this half baked notion?" He went on to remind me about how I couldn't follow a direction from anyone to save my own life. If someone told me I couldn't do something I would go out of my way to prove them wrong. While this was true when I was younger, things have changed considerably.
I thought about this for a long time... I am a ruminator. If I can do anything well, it's overthink ANYTHING. So rather than let my mind drag me through it's usual routine, I decided to put this to you all, experienced/unexperienced, Doms/Subs/Switches, Men/Women/Undefined/Fluid for the honest feedback I have come to know and trust from everyone here. I will kick things off with my list of what I think a sub is and isn't... and I want to hear from you...

What is a Sub? What isn't a Sub?
Someone who knows the value of giving to and serving others. Someone who picks their battles wisely. Someone who understands the strength it takes to not assert your own will over someone else, and still thrive in the relationship. Someone who can choose well who to trust and when. Someone who can take a loss on behalf of another and consider it a job well done because it's part of who they are to protect another. Someone who won't blindly follow the directions of just anyone. A person who can adapt to the needs of another without much conversation or guidance. Not someone who is meek, easily lead, bullied, or otherwise influenced. Someone who knows their own mind and values. Someone who won't compromise their own values and beliefs even in the name of making someone happy. Someone daring and adventurous with a scarred and textured spirit that brings a different dimension to otherwise uninteresting or average moments. Someone who chooses to give the best of themselves wisely and without demands others can't hope to meet.

What do you think a sub is and isn't? A pleaser, a teaser, or a bratty hind end squeezer?? *Thank you sir, please may I have another Love? ;o) *

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 30, 2020

Thank you for asking the question, will be fun to read the answers.

i don't think there is a right or wrong answer to many of the things that are often attributed to either Dom or sub. Though the word has to have a definition, otherwise it becomes meaningless, i think a lot of the time we try to make something unique, generic. To me sub is like a floral arrangement? It may have the same vase that holding every flower, but different flowers and plants, even though they are all a floral arrangement? Not a perfect analogy, but different flowers in the same vase, ad infinitum, are still a "floral arrangement"?

To me a sub is someone who, by nature, wants to submit. It's their desire, their inclination. All sorts of things may impede that , reason, feelings, rebellion, etc., etc., but the need/want to submit is there (the vase?). i think in order to 'submit" there has to be 'someone' there to submit, that submission is a decision.

i see it from a physics stand point. Dom's are naturally like positively charged ions, subs like negatively charged. They naturally attract and bond, which to me is bondage that is a complex human form of nature?

i think the challenge of human relationship is to find chemistry and bond, using stuff like self awareness and communication... and fucking.

Sunshinegirl​(sub female) • Apr 30, 2020

Ugh, what your friend said hit a nerve with me because I’ve been told the SAME thing when I opened up about submission/domination to my friends. I told them just because someone isn’t “submissive” in a vanilla setting doesn’t mean they aren’t submissive to the correct partner in their private life. Just because I’m outspoken and a natural leader in everything I do doesn’t mean I’m that way with a man.
That seemed to clear the confusion with my friends.

Sammi Babi UwU​(sub female) • Apr 30, 2020

You stated:
"He went on to remind me about how I couldn't follow a direction from anyone to save my own life. If someone told me I couldn't do something I would go out of my way to prove them wrong. While this was true when I was younger, things have changed considerably."

1. I won't willingly submit to just anyone. It's an honor and a privilege to gain that kind of trust in me. I hold myself to a high standard and though I trust easily, I don't hand my will to just anyone. I think that shows your own self worth and that's great.

2. I am also competitive well into adulthood. I get an intense thrill when I prove someone wrong, not against them because I've not proved them "wrong," I proved to myself I have what it takes to overcome a hurdle. Given to myself or by an outside source.

Having a strong character and a fierce independence doesn't make you not submissive. You're always going to be your own person and those character traits are admirable. Submission is a gift given to someone special. You will still maintain who you are, that doesn't fade.

My husband loves that I'm competitive and goal driven, he's proud of me when I shut someone down or when I excel in a group setting (work/friends) he is the driving force behind my confidence.

The Sammi the world knows is very different than the one Matt cares for and dominates.

Sammi Babi UwU​(sub female) • Apr 30, 2020

I'd also like to state, I'm a thrill seeking brat. So, even my husband finds himself having a hard time reeling me in. I'm a masochist, so the idea of punishments is incredibly exciting to me.

(I'm still working on the fun of theory and the anxiety of application though) lol

But I'm definitely a submissive.

I hope that helps ❤️

Re: What is a submissive really?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 30, 2020

This has been bothering me. i don't think being or not being opinionated means you are or are not submissive in nature, but is part of the package.
i think (ironically) often the response to who we are of: "you don't have one submissive bone in your body!", or some similar comment, is a (probably unconscious?) attempt to subdue us. At some level, that person does see that we are submissive and is trying to awaken submission in us by challenging that it's there? I.e., if they can get you to admit what they have asserted, they 'win.'

i know, not really, but it is a common and simplistic method to challenge a persons identity in an effort to get them to acquiesce in order to prove them wrong. It's often easier to just give in, or try and force or bully it from the other side, than it is to go through the process of finding the door and then the key and opening it the way it was made to be opened. Some want to break doors down instead, but that can leave a house full of broken doors.

The Bull​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2020

You bring a very interested point to light ! So what is the prototypical submissives? I don't believe such a thing exists. The same can be said of Dom's too of course!
My Special Middle is very Intelligent, independent, opinionated, strong willed, driven, hard working and she is running a successful business , she has wit and when she is in bratty mood she can let fly things that would likely upset someone who is thinned skin, does not have much in the way of self confidence, and yet dispite all of the above, she is a submissive too!
But she won't submit to most people, you have to earn it! Plan on the time required to obtain that submission to be long!
And isn't something that is rare or very hard to obtain, become much more valuable to the person who was given that gift of submission?
Anyone whom has lived for a while will not be surprised by any of this because they have learned that people are complicated, we all have a ying and a yang to our personality types, we all have contradictions within ourselves.
Personally I love the interactions with my special middle because she can be quite hilarious in her sarcasm, and I just feel great pride at her wit and backbone. I do not feel threatened by it one bit.
It may have to do with the fact that I am older man, and I want to be with someone who is my intellectual equal!
To be honest if she was a complete push over, who could berely function without constant input or supervision from me, I would not have been attracted to her in the least. I love the psychological exercises and challenges she presents.

So my Special middle is a very strong person, and I would not have her any other way! Is it the thrill of the chase (hunter / prey) that made her attractive to me because I knew she would be a challenge? I'm sure that had something to do with it.

The Bull

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 30, 2020

"You bring a very interested point to light ! So what is the prototypical submissives? I don't believe such a thing exists. The same can be said of Dom's too of course!
My Special Middle is very Intelligent, independent, opinionated, strong willed, driven, hard working and she is running a successful business , she has wit and when she is in bratty mood she can let fly things that would likely upset someone who is thinned skin, does not have much in the way of self confidence, and yet dispite all of the above, she is a submissive too!
But she won't submit to most people, you have to earn it! Plan on the time required to obtain that submission to be long!
And isn't something that is rare or very hard to obtain, become much more valuable to the person who was given that gift of submission?
Anyone whom has lived for a while will not be surprised by any of this because they have learned that people are complicated, we all have a ying and a yang to our personality types, we all have contradictions within ourselves.
Personally I love the interactions with my special middle because she can be quite hilarious in her sarcasm, and I just feel great pride at her wit and backbone. I do not feel threatened by it one bit.
It may have to do with the fact that I am older man, and I want to be with someone who is my intellectual equal!
To be honest if she was a complete push over, who could berely function without constant input or supervision from me, I would not have been attracted to her in the least. I love the psychological exercises and challenges she presents.

So my Special middle is a very strong person, and I would not have her any other way! Is it the thrill of the chase (hunter / prey) that made her attractive to me because I knew she would be a challenge? I'm sure that had something to do with it.

The Bull"

^^^THIS^^^
i would have 'loved' this a dozen times if i could have.

The Bull​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2020

Thank you Tallslenderguy, very much appreciated!

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Apr 30, 2020

@The Bull

Damn... You took the words outta my mouth... ermm.... fingers!

Well said.