Changing Relationship Dynamic

Changing Relationship Dynamic

s zilla • Dec 11, 2017

Hi,
We are a married couple (20+ years) and have experimented with light "Kink" over the past few years.
This started when I arranged a sensual massage for Vanessa,
since this time she has had several (approximately Eight or Nine) sessions with the same Mentor/Massage/Dom.

Their relationship developed from sensual massage therapy to eventually being a BDSM situation.
She found that she really likes the Spanking, Flogging etc and has a desire to experiment further with Rope and binding.

Here is where the dynamic changes as I believe she is struggling with having two masters as such.
I have always been a naturally dominant partner and although not skilled in the BDSM lifestyle we have always lived our life this way.
I open doors, massage when she is feeling down, cook for her at times and make most "big" decisions although always after consultation. I am the one who takes things back when broken, deal with poor tradesmen, argue with the bank and telco's etc.

Vanessa struggles with spending time with another "Master" and has been hinting and now openly requesting that I become more involved in the BDSM side of her life.
Now I am pretty open to most things and we have attended a few "lightly Kinky" events and some not so light and I have yet to see anything that upsets or worries me.
If I am not into something that is going on I just look elsewhere. For the past 6-8 months she has not wanted to go back to her BDSM mentor as she finds it too hard to "let go" for some reason.

We have bought a flogger and some other bits and pieces but we have not used them yet. In fact our sex life has diminished, I think through a combination of both of us working long hours and some uncertainty about this new dimension to our relationship.

I have always been voyeuristic, I have enjoyed watching Vanessa interact with others and have no issues with the sensual massage and BDSM even understanding the dynamic while she is with him. My issue is becoming directly involved myself, I am worried about hurting her and/or our relationship.
I have seen her flogged (over street clothes), use candle wax and appreciate that she enjoys it, the look on her face and arching of her body was a give away. lol

I suppose I am just outpouring to understand this myself and wondering if others have been through similar circumstances and how they navigated the situation.
We will be looking at some rope courses in the new year.

All the best
Shane.

Frankenstein​(dom male) • Dec 11, 2017

I find most bdsm voyuers eventually become enthusiastic participatants, and the same is probably true of you. The problem is you have a long and loving relationship that you are afraid of damaging. There are also some people who have restrained certain desires because of a religious upbringing or something else. The solution to both is the same. Explain your fears to your partner, study, and practice (oh the burden). If you don't move forward it's going to fester and damage your relationship. If you are one of those absolute hand off voyuers think about bringing a 3rd person into the relationship. Good luck.

Dnygrl​(sub female){Jabbers} • Dec 12, 2017

I wanted to reply to your post because I come from a bit of a similar situation as far as your wife's experiences and I thought maybe I could help add some insight.

My husband and I have been married 7 years now and while that is not the same length of time as you and your wife, our dynamics tend to be the same. I have always taken on a more submissive role in the relationship and he the more dominant role. When we decided to enter into the lifestyle he was a bit afraid of hurting me and it took a few sessions where we took things really slow and I had to communicate things very clearly. It may have been a little bit of me dominating from a submissive position, but that's how we were able to discuss our mutual needs and concerns throughout the first experiences.

With the other Master/Mentor/Dom: It can be very hard to walk away the longer that they interact in that way. My husband has been an over the road truck driver for the past 2 years and, due to his extended absences, had allowed me to submit to a Mentor. Over the course of a year we had grown very close and when my husband asked me to step back, it was quite difficult. We had to wean off of our daily communications and change the way in which we interacted. It was very difficult. And if my husband had failed to step into the role I was used to having a Dom take it would have been even harder.

Your situation is not entirely uncommon, but it is also unique in that you are both unique individuals with your own needs and desires. At this point I would say that an open line of communication and some soul searching from both of you would be in order.

Cinder​(switch female) • Dec 12, 2017

I am in a very similar situation your wife is in. Long term vanilla relationship and I want my boyfriend to dominate me. I'm in no way an expert but I can tell you what has helped us so far. I like using the red/yellow/green system so he knows when to stop, back off, or keep going. Periodically ask your wife her color. That way you can check on her well being and pleasure during the act without ruining the mood. You seem well aware of her body language so use that to your advantage. I have asked my bf to educate himself on the nuances of binding, flogging, etc so we can have safe and positive experiences. I often would reject my partners advances because I was too tired from working all day, sex was the last thing on my mind. To be honest vanilla sex just doesn't do it for me at all, and unbeknownst to me was part of the issue. Recently I came home tired and grumpy and he started to initiate sex and I tried like usual to shut him down. He grabbed me by the hair and said," I wasn't asking". And suddenly he had my direct attention. I could have stopped it at any time, but I didn't want to. I now look forward to our encounters significantly more than before.
While that approach may not work on your wife my point is that if you can find a way to catch her interest with the things she's asked you for it may help out quite a bit. Remember she came to you and asked you for what she desires. Educate yourself on what she wants and then give it a try. Be receptive to feed back from her. And don't forget to share your feelings too.

s zilla • Dec 12, 2017

Hi,
Thanks for the reply's and yes communication is key.
Hopefully in the new year I will be able to revisit the topic with great news on my new found rope artistry and the continued evolution of our relationship.
It is energising and I suppose after all these years its great to be able to say Vanessa still excites me as does our relationship.
Be Safe over the Christmas New Year Holidays people.
Shane.