Not sure if I should keep going or give up.

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 24, 2020

First advice I would give is change your nick name. When I first thought of exploring my more mainstream interests many years ago, my initial idea of a scene name was shot down in flames by some experienced subs. I was told that the name I had in mind would scream wanabe HNG (Horny Net Guy) that it was basically a name that anyone with experience would think belonged to that sort of person and not someone with a genuinie interest in exploring bdsm. I changed the name. I tend to look at anyone using Master, Dom, Sir, Lord, Mistress etc in their nickname as being dubious, about the only exception to that would be someone who has earned the right to use Master, someone within the Leather Scene, who has many years of activity and peer respect, how they get that title, but self appointed users, I am very suspicious of them. Self appointed titles are for what purpose?

I would pick a nick name that you can stand up at a vanilla munch and say it and not embarass yourself, feel awkward, or have people falling about the place laughing, in a bad way. Keep in mind what sounds hot in a kink scene, outside of that, has the potential not to.

Second advice, if looking on here, take part in the forums, the chat room, blog. Be seen being you, and that, assuming you are a decent person, you will attract people. Be a human being, be yourself, not what you think people want, be vulnerable and genuine.

Thirdly learn your craft, go to workshops, events, read well regarded blogs, websites, watch you tube channels, and listen to well regarded podcasts, Note I say well regarded, not all you read, see, hear, watch is off equal quality, but if you are newish, you may lack the discernment, experience, so you can discern the BS.

Fourthly physical world munches are a good place to meet people, make friends, find your tribe and maybe meet a sub, but do not go to a munch hoping to meet a sub, they are not pick up zones. Act like a creeper at one of those, and your rep is fucked, before its got going.

Fifth look at your approaches on here, and see if what you have been doing is putting people off. I personally don’t chase and very rarely make any approaches, and I get plenty of inbox and bond activity. I should add not all such have been worth entertaining. Be human and non kink in your approaches. Your nickname could, I think it likely, when seen attached to a message strongly suggest you are one of those that demands instant submission and calling you by those titles. Ditch the nick name.

Sixth. Your profile needs work and some aspects come off poorly, a ‘sub that does what she’s told‘ is a red flag statement. Subs have the right always to say no, consent can always be withdrawn. I would also show more flexibility and be more organic in your approach. Rigidity works for some, but a more open way of doing things will be more attractive to a greater number of potential subs. It also comes across as kink first, and the person second. Getting to know someone in a non, or less kink focussed way is, I feel, a better start of point.

I hope the above is helpful.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • May 24, 2020

i've avoided watching this movie for all the obvious reasons, but now i am second guessing myself....

writtenwithasmile • Jun 16, 2020

My sister says something to me often when I’m looking that annoys the hell out of me.

“It’s when you don’t look, when you don’t want them that they come into your life.”

And fuck, I’ve been wanting for years and I still haven’t found my one. We should both try her advice.

Lil Foxy Baby​(sub female) • Jun 16, 2020

If you're truly seeking a sub you don't give up. I've been searching for a Dom for years now. Hell I've even been dating vanilla for the last couple years and I was left unfulfilled. Don't settle.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 19, 2020

I know you can't help your humour at times based on another post I read somewhere, but that's just not true.

Let's say the lotto isn't winning. What can you do?

Go rob a bank.

It's a metaphor. It means "Make it happen another way". Do you give up too easily? Look in the "wrong" places? Teach those that don't know?

If you've gone "I'm waiting for it by magic", "We're not compatible so I won't try to convince them to change their mind", "Inner circles only" or "It's not my job" then consider the reverse instead.

After all, you've nothing to lose. And everything to gain. But you got to start changing yourself and how you view things before you get others to be interested in you. I've recently found someone that's awesome on Second Life of all places. Talked things out. Got things established. etc. In a sense you have to be what you desire. Confident, able, capable. Not letting your fear of making someone uncomfortable hold you back from talking about "weird shit". If you just try to be "normal" and "behave as society views you" then all you're doing is stacking the odds against yourself. Do you really want to be like "everyone else"? Or do you want to be someone that stands out?

To this end consider who and what you want to become. You DO want to change. You DO want to be different. You want to be accepted and loved but if you're making a flawed approach then that needs to change. Reflect on what you can do to make that happen. Do you aspire to be someone like V from V for Vendetta? Or Matt Smith in Dr Who? Maybe Virgil from the Devil May Cry games, minus the desperation for "power"? How can you CHALLENGE these people when they're weak? How does that improve you and how would it improve someone you have an interest in when you meet them?

If there's one thing a dom will take notice of it's being challenged. If there's one thing a shy sub will take note of, it's being challenged. The former might respond with calm responses and rewards. The later might respond with a joke of "Stop making sense".

Either way, it gets them to think. And that gets them to realise I have a brain. Which displays awareness of adapting to a situation. In other words "I get their interest". Either by challenging their flaws, or getting outside the box as possible when talking about whatever else.

Bunnie • Jun 19, 2020

“Not sure if I should keep going or give up”...

This suggests to me that you have expectations... either recognised or unrecognised. I think most of us unknowingly have them when we first arrive here. I thought I’d get to know the place and meet some great people and find my forever home... perfectly in sequence... as soon as I believed I was ready... because, well... I was ready!

Life just doesn’t work that way for me. For some it does... but not for me. I have definitely gotten to know the place and met some absolutely amazing people, and am still working towards my forever home.
I have been through the experience of feeling sorry for myself and envious of others who it does seem to work like that for. But then I remember that I’m seeking something different to others, and their situation wouldn’t be right for me, just as mine wouldn’t be right for them.

The key to finding peace around waiting to meet the person you want to explore further with, I think, is in letting go of how you think that should look. Because really... how can we guess how it will look? If we keep ourselves open to possibility... there are so many more potential outcomes. Try to let go of timeframe or the thought of what you’re missing out on, and try to focus on simply making yourself the kind of person that will attract the kind of person you want. They will find you, and if you’re the right fit... it will be at the exact right moment, leading to the exact right situation for you both.

Good luck

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jun 19, 2020

i think this whole post is wonderfully insightful Bunnie.

It seems our desires and needs often venture into expectation territory. We are 'Disney,' et al, conditioned from an early age with the idea there is a special someone for us. i think those romantic notions often become expectations. i agree (and expereince) that a want or need can be pursued peacefully, and without failed hope, if there is no expectation for a particular outcome.

i think finding a compatible relationship is a complex challenge. i believe places like this forum help evolve the process and make more possible by bringing stuff like this to the surface of our awareness, to a place where it is "recognized."

Mr E​(dom male) • Jun 19, 2020

Some great advice here.

Just keep working on you until you know you meet the right them.

Sasa​(dom female) • Jun 19, 2020

As if one of us ever have a choice of giving up... You'll find your woman. That's all you have to know. Sending my good wishes

Ms N • Jun 19, 2020

I feel this post on so many levels but its so nice seeing the support in the comment section.

I agree, it does get hard but anything worth having never comes easy.
I try to become a better woman while I wait for the right man.
Maybe you can use some of that pent up energy to push yourself too?
Good luck hun
N