I'm a new Dom experienciencing a breakup. Help!!!

I'm a new Dom experienciencing a breakup. Help!!!

Ricccardio • Aug 3, 2020

I am a very new Dom. I've been with my sub (first) for a little over 6 moths. We worked together (she's very successful) and started as friends for 2 years. Progressed into a regular relationship and very quickly into a BDSM relationship 24/7 DD/lg. We discussed limits, safe words and all the initial safety requirements. I am still learning a lot about the lifestyle. My sub on the other hand had 2 Doms prior and have been in the lifestyle for over 10 years. Very early on she disclosed that her prior Doms abused her. Pushed past her safe words, left marks, broke bones. I understand that people have their past and quite frankly, I don't care about the past. However, she goes on to say that they "absolutely loved" her. This has really inhibited how I acted in the relationship and we actually had arguments over it because I loved her in every way possible. I wanted to Dominate her, abuse her, use her, make her serve me and then care for her but I cannot get into that headspace while hearing her say "they absolutely loved me." One it makes me wonder what she means by love and second, yes she broke up with them and has been single for years but I feel like she has some connection to the past relationships. Not to mention a bit confused. Plus she speaks very respectfully about them despite admitting that they were assholes and would never return to them. I admit that I felt uncomfortable Dominating her 24/7 and even abusing her during a scene, when initially I was excited about it. She then felt like I wasn't being dominant, and started being really disrespectful as a result. I could see that deep down she didn't mean it or want that for us. I eventually told her that if she continues to believe that these guys loved her that I cannot be her Dom and she refused to listen to me, she told me that I needed to get over her past and that I don't know her past (I don't think I need to know more than broken bones to know where I stand and like I said I am not concerned with her past. Had she told me that they didn't deserve her or that they never loved her. I'd be fine) so I walked away. Now, I know she's hurt and I really am too. Your take would be appreciated.

TakenLower • Aug 3, 2020

It can take someone a long time to learn how to allow someone to truly love them. I think ultimatums are the wrong approach. I would offer my love and support but not demand that she accept it. Additionally, you may be dealing with someone that has a trauma bond which is a lot like Stockholm Syndrome. That also takes supportive work to over come and sometimes even that doesn’t work.

LadySusweca​(dom trans woman) • Aug 3, 2020

The worst thing we can hear in any relationship is that how the last relationships were better than us or loved them more. If that were true why are they exes?

I feel as a Dominant we want to see our submissives become a better person. Sometimes that may be suggesting that the submissive needs to go to get counseling. This will continue to be a problem until it is fixed. Denial is a strong coping mechanism.

People who have been abused do seem to develop a bond with their abuser that is hard to break. They truly believe if they only hadn't burnt breakfast or did a better job keeping the house clean then the abuse will stop. It never will stop until it kills them or they leave but they can't see that.

You also may want to find a Dom to be a mentor who will answer questions and give you guidance on what to do. Books can be awesome for learning but you can only learn so much. A mentor will help you handle situations that books forget to discuss.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 3, 2020

Wow, tuff and complicated situation, i am sorry.


i'd suggest couple counseling. There are so many angles here, i believe it would be impossible to give specific input without a good overview of and from both of you. i know, it would take a pretty specialized counselor, but i'm sure they exist. Google is our friend lol. You seem open to input and counsel, if she is too, why not seek out a professional counselor to help mediate and wend through this? Objectivity of a third party trained (and professionally licensed) in counsel can help if both are looking for honest answers.

That said, i have some thoughts and feelings based on what you've written that may or may not help?

Do you both have a working, agreed upon, definition of "abuse?"
Do you both have a working, agreed upon, definition of "love?"

i may be misunderstanding you, but when you say (a couple of times): "I don't care about the past... I am not concerned with her past," what i see/feel (and wonder if she doesn't feel similarly) is "I don't care... I'm not concerned." i suspect you are meaning to convey something different, but suggest something may get lost in translation? It seems to me that she does care and is concerned about her past, that it influences who she is today, so to not care or be concerned may be seen as not caring or being concerned about her?

At the times she said you were "...not being dominant." Did you ask her to explain? Did she tell you specifically what she means by dominant? Does she know what You mean by "dominant?" Maybe they don't align? i think a lot of the failure of relationships comes from incompatibility. She may say, feel and think You are "not being dominant," and that may be conflicting for You because, hey, You are being You and You know You are Dom, but who You are and who she is may not fit?

Orgazmo​(dom male){serenity m} • Aug 3, 2020

Theres a lot going on here but from what you said you are probably best to move one. That doesn't feel good but it is what you need to hear.

I'm very troubled by your use of the word 'abuse' true BDSM does not involve abuse. Did you have a safeword? Were you SSC or RACK or PRICK?

The abuse, real abuse from what you said caused her real physical AND emotional damage. She needs to heal and she'll heal on her timeline NOT YOURS.

I've only heard some of one side of what happened but I suspect you found each other. She wanted a DOM. You wanted a sub. And you rushed into a BDSM realtionship too quick and didn't build enough trust and communication.

You need lots of communication and much more trust in a BDSM realationship than a vanilla relationship. It looks like you didn't build on a solid foundation and your house collapsed when a storm came along.

I can tell from your post that you are hurting and that sucks. I've been there. A lot of us have been there. It hurts and I'm sure a lot of shoulda, coulda wouldas are going through your head.

I hope you are able to learn from this experience and take those lessons into your future relationships. You'll be a better man and a better Dom for it.

stingerdean{Dom} • Aug 3, 2020

Wow, I wish I had not read your posting. Why, because it sounds like the relationship I had with my last submissive. But really, its probably a good thing to have read it. It helped me to think more clearly I am thinking now. You see, I think my girl and your girl is damaged by her past Dom or Master. Damaged to the point where she does not even recognize it herself, and denies so many things, but also says so many other things to try to make what she had with them acceptable to you or to others. When really once you think about it, it is not right to be saying those things, and thinking that way about how they "absolutely loved" her. I absollutely loved the woman I was with, oh, woman and girl is used interchangeably. But loving her did not mean, I could break bones. Admitedly, I am a more gentle Dom and do not leave cuts or deep bruises. Maybe a bruise now and again. And nothing involveing cause them to bleed. Ok I degress.
Anyway, she will be back. She will be back once she realizes you were good for her, to her. Oh, it took a little over a year. But she will not have changed her mind on the things that drove you away. Just like mine has done to me. She is damaged, beyond a untrained phsychiatrist internention, which they will not accept, because they think they are just fine. This or that is good in their lives, so everything is good in their lives. She will be back and say lets me friends, then in time its do this or do that for me, and then your right back into fucking her, dominating her, and then the unthinkable comes right back into your face. Its like Harry Potter being told not to mention his name. If you don't bring it up, it is not there.
We just broke up our friendship last week, again over her exhusbands abuse of her. Just by my bringing him up, which she is totally over him. Now she don't want me in her life, again after a couple years like before. Seems like we have a two year limit on a relationship.
Well best of luck to you. And if you want out of it, don't accept her lets be friends request. Just try hard to find someone new.

stingerdean{Dom} • Aug 3, 2020

I saw it written on one posting. trauma bond which is a lot like Stockholm Syndrome by takenlower. That's what I was talking about when I mentioned being damaged beyound a psyciatrist help. We went to councilling me and mine. All she ever heard was the counciler saying what was wrong with me, she never hear anything about what was wrong with her. If you have beeen tramatised enough, you block things out. My girl would even turn against the counciler. So that was not helpful either. Tallslenderguy makes some really good points so be sure and read that again.
Wishing you the best. Dean

Ricccardio • Aug 3, 2020

I think she had a very strong bond with them. And I think they treated her really great at first but it eventually evolved into something seriously wrong. I tried telling her that, but her rationalization is that they loved her initially but that towards the end there was a trigger that caused them to become abusive. I told her that real love, even if you lost it for someone would never let you do certain things regardless of your current feelings or anger.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Aug 3, 2020

Welcome to Hell, Ricccardio. We hope you enjoy your stay.

https://youtu.be/vcmjDPDOk7c

I don't know if anything I'm about to say will actually be any "help." Or at least the kind you are looking for. But, it's all I have to offer.

Since it is most likely that you don't know me from Adam's son, I'll just preface by saying that in addition to studying relationships and sexuality in college once upon a time and embarking on two careers that called my sanity into question (as well as involving a great deal about learning control), I've also been involved in some flavor of BDSM for over three decades. Two and a half of that with my wife, my submissive, my slave, my little, my love, and my very best friend before she shuffled off to the next plane. (Without my permission, damn it!)

Depending on who you ask, I'm either a Master with DD tendencies or a Daddy Dom with Master tendencies. (And a rather vicious stripe of subtle Sadism underlying.)

***shrug*** Not looking to impress. My point is that this isn't my first rodeo. Not by a long stretch. Actually, I've been kicking my can down the side of this gravel road for quite a while now. And spent no little of that time picking gravel out of road rash, just like you are now.

First, I would just reiterate what Orgazmo said that there is a world of difference between "use" and "abuse." He's generally a pretty knowledgeable fellow, except when his sense of humor (that can make even me pause from time to time) gets the best of him. And he's right on point with this one.

The thing is... For some people, abuse is all they know. And, yeah. They equate it with love.

It sucks. It's not right. And you can break your heart trying to fix such a person and never get anywhere. Because in their mind, in their view of the world... their Johari's Window or Frame of Reference, if you don't abuse them, it is because you do not love them enough to.

Am I saying that you should abuse these people? Fuck no! I'm all about making sure needs are met within reason. But, there are limits. And this tromps the fuck all over mine.

And I say that as someone who, at one time, employed blade play that involved blooding for a masochist who needed it.

(Before my inbox explodes, no I will not do such again. Ever. It is beyond my physical capabilities to do so safely now, so look elsewhere if that's your thing.)

And, yes. I have been accused, time and again, of being "no kind of Dom!" by more than one hysterical submissive that I would not relent and give what she thought she wanted as I was tending to her needs.

As if they get to determine what I am. What I am to them? Sure. They are within their rights to say, "you are not my Dom." However, their right to swing their fist ends at the end of my nose. They don't have any more right to say that I am "not a Dom" than they would accede the right to someone else to say they are "not a sub."

Or you either for that matter.

Alright, so you say it's your first rodeo. And you got kicked in the teeth when the bull threw you.

It happens. And, it will happen again. No matter how experienced you get, if you have more than just one more submissive in your future, it will happen again. Hopefully not to this extreme where she says if you won't break bones, then you don't love her. But, it will happen.

I'm not going to tell you how you should Dom. Nor am I going to tell you what you should do with this relationship or any other.

There are just as many ways to practice BDSM as there are couples who practice it. The question is always going to be if your demons find a comfortable Hell to use as a playground in this one's soul. And if her/his Hell is fully actualized without being overly stretched by your demons' antics.

Or, as Johnny Cochran might say, "if the Hell doesn't fit, you must acquit."

***shrug***

I said I wasn't going to try to tell you how you should Dom... But, seeing as how it's your first attempt at winning your spurs... In my experiences, for it to work, I had to work it like this.

First, I had to see to it that her needs were met. Even when that meant that my needs, my wants, and her wants were not.

If her needs were met, then it was time to get mine met. Even when it meant that my wants and her wants might not be.

My wants came in after both of our needs were met. Even if that might leave her wants out.

Her wants were only taken into account if it didn't violate her needs, my needs, or my wants.

If she couldn't accept that... well, she might be someone else's submissive, but not mine.

And, in the case of someone that wanted her bones broken... No. That would be counter to her needs, my needs, and my wants.

***sigh***

I don't know, Ricccardio. I don't know what else I even could say. Much less if what I have said was any help or not.

At the end of the day, you have to be you, she has to be she, he has to be he, and I have to be me. Expecting anything to work that doesn't allow for that is, according to Einstein, the definition of insanity in my experiences.

So long as everybody involved gives consent. You. Your submissive. Any potential onlookers.

I used to try to push safety, but figured out that only two things are infinite; the cosmos and human will to be stupid. And I'm not sure about the former. So, now I just don't play if I think anyone's safety is in question. What they do when I'm not there... I just shake my head and roll on.

Sanity... We're all bughouse nuts in our own way. So, what use is sanity when we're all fuckin' crazy in our own individual way?

But, any row you need to hoe, here's to bountiful crops for your day.

And may the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a more beautiful tomorrow.

Ricccardio • Aug 3, 2020

Honestly, reading your post felt all too real as well. We argued and all she would say is if we could put it behind us. I was all about putting it behind us but when she says certain things and behave in certain ways, I end up regressing back to what I see as a the core and underlying problem. I do wonder if she is beyond a trained psychiatrist. I honestly, do like leaving bruises and hurting her. However, I need the aftercare just as much as her. If I don't it'll hurt me. I am super affectionate but can be super brutal and I wanted to be that with her but I just can't when she says that type of thing. I am sorry to hear about your relationship as well. It really just destroys what could have been something really great.