When subs get burnt out

When subs get burnt out

alphawolfishere​(dom male) • Oct 25, 2020

I get it... a lot of subs treat this site like a dating app. They bounce around this site form person to person with little to no real expectation they’ll meet a true Dom. That mentality affects us all.

As more subs lose faith in the idea of having a real Dom, the respect and the interactions between possible Doms and subs becomes watered down.

Recently, I had a great conversation with a real sub. She admitted that it’s hard being a sub in a world where so many Doms are faking or playing games. She went on to say... when we (subs) get played by shady dudes, we all feel it.

She even shared that when Doms talk to her, that conversation is more like background noise. Sorta like a house fan blowing loudly in the Summer. You just don’t pay it much attention. Simply put, she’s not fully tuned in.

I then asked her... how do you know when you’re talking to a real Dom? She paused. I felt the thick of the silence through the phone. Then she spoke saying... “I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a Dom now.”

At that moment it hit me... as a BDSM community, we must find the courage to give our fellow members the benefit of the doubt. After all, what will we become if we assume every member of our community is here to play games?

To that I say, there are those who are truly serious about the BDSM lifestyle. If you’re part of that number, I encourage you to set boundaries, to ask yourself what are you looking for. That way, you don’t have to spend so much time entertaining foolishness that causes you to get burnt out and lose trust.

This goes for men, women and anyone in the BDSM community.

What are some tips you’d give to help people avoid foolishness in the BDSM community?

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 25, 2020

"I get it... a lot of subs treat this site like a dating app. They bounce around this site form person to person with little to no real expectation they’ll meet a true Dom. That mentality affects us all".

I am curious where did you get that idea?

"Recently, I had a great conversation with a real sub. She admitted that it’s hard being a sub in a world where so many Doms are faking or playing games. She went on to say... when we (subs) get played by shady dudes, we all feel it".

How do you define a "real" sub vs. other kinds of subs?

"To that I say, there are those who are truly serious about the BDSM lifestyle. If you’re part of that number, I encourage you to set boundaries, to ask yourself what are you looking for. That way, you don’t have to spend so much time entertaining foolishness that causes you to get burnt out and lose trust.
This goes for men, women and anyone in the BDSM community.
What are some tips you’d give to help people avoid foolishness in the BDSM community"?

BDSM is not an excuse to not exercise common sense, and while there are some things that are unique about this community, it is not that different form any community, or the real world - there are genuine, nice people, there are rude, inconsiderate people, and whatever you find in the world, you can find here as well. People get tired of games people play in vanilla dating all the time, too.

Instead of labeling someone as a real Dom or real sub, I believe much got to do with compatibility, and knowing and be honest with oneself.

nuli​(sub female){Unkolared} • Oct 25, 2020

And we are back to judging others. And for the record it's not just the subs who bounce. But just because one Dom ideas kinks etc don't fit mine doesn't mean he isn't real. Just because that sub felt real to you, she might not to another.

Everybody needs to stop judging all that they see.

Re: When subs get burnt out

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Oct 25, 2020

i think you could easily interchange/switch the "sub" label in your post with "dom." i don not believe burn out is not an exclusively sub or dom phenomena.

i do not think there is any thing inherently wrong with a "dating site" or dating. It's a long time social ritual that can be used to get to know someone, to determine things like compatibility, etc.. What would be the alternative?

One of the things that can lead to caution, defense barriers, are people who expect instant. We've even coined terms for those types: "insta-dom," (and, i think the same can be applied to some subs). To me, "insta" is mostly a sign of immaturity, no matter who the attitude presents in, but there is enough of it going around to where those who are truly serious about relationship may come off as burnt out, when they have really become (maybe overly?) cautious.

A "house fan" may get relegated to the ranks of "background noise" if they are a blow hard. Not being "tuned in" can be a coping mechanism, a protective device. Unfortunately, there are enough fakes and immature people in this kind of setting (on both sides of the slash), that serious, long time community member/participants have had to develop barriers in order to survive.

No doubt, there is such a thing as "burn out," but i wonder how many burn out people end up staying, or participating, in community? There may be some who have little wick to burn, but enough to hope for and search for a flame that can ignite them? It's a delicate thing, eh? There are blow torches on one end of the spectrum, and little sparks on the other. It takes a constant flame, properly applied, to light a candle. A blow torch may light a fire, but can also melt the candle. A spark will not light a wick.

Which is just to suggest that finding a dom or sub is an exacting process that can cause weariness at times, but i don't think that is universal burn out? i think the process can also cause muscles to develop in places where we didn't have them before, even caluses, making it harder, but not impossible, to get in.

TheChimera​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2020

I'm going to hop on what ElizaEmma​ said a bit, I agree with her.

"BDSM is not an excuse to not exercise common sense, and while there are some things that are unique about this community, it is not that different form any community, or the real world - there are genuine, nice people, there are rude, inconsiderate people, and whatever you find in the world, you can find here as well. People get tired of games people play in vanilla dating all the time, too."

Is beautifully put. All too often, when I see subs whining or complaining about how they can't find a Dominant or their recent Dominant completely messed them over- but in reality. The dude they're talking to was acting shady from the start.
A couple examples being:
- They told me I wasn't allowed to have a safeword. ((Without further discussion or agreement prior to the TPE.))
- I'm not allowed to talk to my friends anymore.
- I have to give him all the details about me, and pictures but he doesn't give me pictures back.
Granted, circumstances are all unique and different. These are just a few examples that come to mind that I've seen.

((Submissives aren't sweet innocent angels either. Some subs play the very same games that these "Fake Doms" would too))

The lack of common sense when dealing with another person floors me sometimes. If you see red flags, don't ignore them.

SAXMANIAC​(sub female) • Oct 25, 2020

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what a "real" sub is.

I'm also confused about how she's looking for a "real" Dom but can't even define what that means for herself.

Everyone has preferences, there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe she needs to figure out what she wants first then she can avoid having to listen to all that background noise.

Re: When subs get burnt out

MrFulmen • Oct 25, 2020

One of my top tips is to think of interactions in kink communities as "people talking with people," instead of "subs talking with doms."

A big part of how people get played is that someone jumps into their inbox saying "I know it seems like I'm a random Internet stranger, but actually I am.... a DOM!!!! And because I am a Dom you should forget what you know about being cautious around Internet strangers and treat me with special respect and deference. Now to demonstrate that you are Real and Serious, send me nudes immediately."

The better path to a D/s relationship is to connect as people first, without any special expectations.

Richlydefined​(sub female){Gardener} • Oct 25, 2020

I'm going to skip over any finger pointing and say what I took away from this post. I don't think that by "real" OP meant to pigionhole people into any certain category. My takeaway was that they were trying to differentiate between serious participants and those tourist-types that we see float through here on a steady basis who are only here to use and abuse their partners (in all roles) before making a quick exit. Those types who see words like 'Dominant" and 'Submissive' and only take the words at face value (or porn value) without any regaurd to the more subtle workings of what we're here to enjoy.

If THAT is the takeaway then I understood the rest of the post to be encouraging those who are serious about living a life within the various dynamics to be open to each other and not just write everyone off because you've run into a few (dozen?) bad eggs.

However I DO have an answer for the question OP asked about how I can tell a bad partner from a good one. In my expirence a serious participant will approach calmly. They've read your profile and respect the words you've put out there to be the truth. They don't rush to establish a dynamic. They are the ones who want to actually know you and will work with you to keep conversation flowing, they will show interest in you as a person as well as (insert role) and your life. Using myself as an example, I don't get a ton of messages here and yes I restrict a lot of access but I'd still say it's about once every 3-4 weeks that some people have been persistent enough to seek me out and ask for my attention. I will give it to them but you can tell fairly quickly who actually read my profile and understood what I said there and who didn't.

The ones who didn't tend to be; overly complimentary (I can accept compliments but you can only say thank you so many times before you feel like only your surface is what matters to them), pushy about locking you into some kind of agreement within a few exchanges, overly demanding of your time, and disrespectful of your boundaries.

Of those who did read and respect my words, I respect them as well, I've been talking to one of them for literally years at this point and made a good friend because of it. If we lived closer we'd be willing to explore more but he knows (cause my profile says it) that I can't handle that and he respects that. So yes while the majority of messages from potential partners are from those touristy types (and a few from people who just don't care about what I've said cause even other serious players can be that way too.) can be like so much white noise I never write anyone off if they've decided to contact me until after they've proven that they don't have any intention of hearing/knowing me as a person.

SIR ALUCARD​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2020

First and foremost here education is most important. Know yourself, know what you're looking for, learn to identify red flags. Be mindful of anyone with immediate expectations and entitlements. Anyone quick to get angry because you're not obeying or who tells you that you're being a bad sub. In this day and age anyone can call themselves a Dom/me so you have to take it firstly at face value only. You can tell by how a Dominant carries themselves. They are respectful, direct, confident and knowledgeable. Naturally they can explain all the ins and outs snd are educated. You don't get the feeling of inexperience, reluctance, or doubt. Dom/mes don't have to push any matters ever. And anyone rushing for any private or sexualized play is someone to be weary of. A real Dom knows tbat anything can come with time and seeks to lay a foundation before really wanting anything from you.

shahh • Oct 30, 2020

I think it's important to keep in mind, there is no such thing as 'common sense'. No one is likely to agree about what common sense is (especially on a site such as this with members from literally every walk of life). Sometimes these differences will be small or annoying, but other times they can be huge and problematic (or down right dangerous).

For example, 'common sense' about how much fuel to have in your car; in the city with easy and plentiful fuel stations, an 1/8 of a tank is fine. In a rural place...less than half a tank is considered 'empty'. That's just 'common sense'... But it's entirely different. (Lame example I know)

People are likely to be biased by what they want to do/have done and the more people have done something, the more they are going to think it's "common sense". This is a general life reality...not just in BDSM.