Polyamory: Boundaries, Communication, & Risk

Polyamory: Boundaries, Communication, & Risk

obsequiae​(dom male) • Dec 10, 2020

So I've been thinking about this recently. Have you ever had a partner explain their boundaries (their own and potential metamours'), and it seemed reasonable at the time, but time reveals they seriously downplayed the reality of what was going on? If the dissonance is revealed quickly it's not so bad, but if it's something that reveals itself more slowly and you get more invested in the relationship, it can be devastating. Like some examples that come to mind someone claiming to be non-hierarchal, but then it turns out that they are hierarchal to an extreme degree that definitely cross your own boundaries. Another would be someone claiming their other partner(s) are laissez faire when it comes to their metamours, but it always seems like you're tripping over boundaries that weren't explained at the start of the relationship. I'm not sure there's a way to completely avoid this if you don't have honesty or objectivity from the other person/people, but, has this been an issue for anyone? If it has, how did it change your approach to polyamory, and do you think it can ever be completely avoided? We all know choosing to trust another person with your heart requires some inherent risks. But are there things we can do to minimize this risk, which is heightened in the world of polyamory?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 10, 2020

In my own case I explain boundaries early on as topics come up, sometimes before, and I hope others will respect them. Often though, in the past, that hasn’t been the case, push back has occurred and I will explain once again why they are in place, and for what I consider to be very good reasons. Sometimes due to privacy considerations, back ground information wont be gone into, but questioning the reasons for limits and boundaries isnt a very cool thing to do.

Boundaries and limits for me are solid foundations for how I conduct play and relationships and while not always immutable, will if they might effect me or others negatively, if broken, then they are cast in stone, and won’t be changed. I expect those boundaries to be respected once stated, and left alone. If they dont suit or are a deal breaker then I expect others to pull out or if they stay that they have accepted them. What I don’t appreciate are regular attempts to chip away at them, question them, whether repectful or not. It becomes tiring to have anyone attempt to over turn another persons limits, boundaries or disregard them whether relationship, lifestyle or play based. In fact when anyone seeks to do this they are in effect attempting to violate consent. I have experienced this.

Poly relationships dont occur in isolation, so others, if there are any, will potentially be effected by choices limits and boundaries in place in regards to relationships in general and maybe in place because of other partner based considerations. I personally dont consider that to be hierarchal, but I can see how others might. In fact I have had experience of my Poly model being disrespected, and I have been accused of being actually mono, because some limits and boundaries are in place in regards to consideration relating to someone else. I don’t see it that way.

Disrespectful, rude or dismissive disregard or push back in my own case will lead eventually, or immediately to relationship termination depending on circumstances. I have recently updated my own profile to reinforce these factors, elements in how they pertain to me, and any future relationships. Alas some people’s senee of entitlement means whether written there or mentioned during a conversation, early on or when a topic, comes up they think they can ignore them and their ideas of Poly trump mine, or they can erode them over time. Wrong. My personal and relationship limits and boundaries require, demand respect, as I would theirs, and whether other parties understand them is irrelevant, they are what they are for very solid well thought out considerations/reasons and anyone seeking to get into a relationship with me will either accept them or not, and if not then they can feel free to walk on by, or away.

I don’t want to say much more about this, in regards to myself, as I value privacy, mine and others, including that of past partners. I don’t go gossiping or breaking confidentiality, so I have deliberately been general above and I wont be drawn out in public further, attempts to do so really would not be very cool, as spilling the guts of past or current relationships in public is something I simply wont do.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Dec 10, 2020

Obs when you and I were kicking this around as a subject for the forum- I believe? It was an idea we liked bc there’s been so little speak of anything Poly here- at the Cage- as least as far back as I could find, or a thread that was informative and interesting-not something that devolved into personal potshots.
You never mentioned you were trying to draw anyone out into the open- how crafty and unlike you!
For the most part my poly experiences have been negative.
I don’t know why but the’kitchen table poly’ I’ve experienced with women( all women) worked very well.. that’s about it though.
I think it’s really hard to define things: type of poly, boundaries etc when one person has trouble or maybe even refuses to explain reasons for doing things their way. I always assumed each paramour would carve out their own path- to a degree.
What I had been wondering lately ( because I’d only recently seen it in action for the first time) was: how can a Dominant partner expect a set of rules and boundaries worked out with someone who came before- be adopted without question/explanation.
I wondered if this was perhaps even common? How would I know?There are so many topics and sub topics relating to poly- at the moment this is where my interest in further learning lies.
If I become involved w someone who expects me to follow the same plan they have with someone else- isn’t that... at the very least hierarchal poly?
You know I think in monogamy so often people go outside the relationship for a small number of things they don’t get from their gf, wife.. etc. Beyond this the cheating partner had no interest in seeing the person they cheated with as a human being- a whole separate entity with needs, wants and so on. Maybe I’m mistaken but I thought Poly was a way to avoid all of that damage. A place where thanks to compersion- w/ or w/out ‘kitchen table poly’ people just want to see their partners as happy as can be achieved, and I’d think that would mean a ‘one size fits all would never work. Seems so obvious.
Maybe what we were discussing when we talked about bringing Poly discussion to the forum should’ve have started prior to POLY. Perhaps it should’ve started at defining the difference between monogamy and polyamory.
I’m sorry the thread had to start out with what seemed like a pointed set of answers to a set of specific questions that to my knowledge were not being asked of anyone in particular except, well everyone. Hopefully things can get back on track and we can still have the opportunity to learn from people who are happy in their poly relationships, open to discussing them and have had some time involved in Poly beyond the unfortunately common pitfalls of the Forum here. Maybe some people have it confused with their PO Box?
Anyway- great topic! Thank you for raising interesting and inciteful questions, and yes! For god’s sake stop trying to drag ugliness into the light!! What’s wrong with you? Lolllll

dollMaker​(dom male) • Dec 10, 2020

'You never mentioned you were trying to draw anyone out into the open- how crafty and unlike you!'

Seems pretty clear what the intention was, content, phrasing indicates that. Anyway I see how this appears to be heading.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 10, 2020

I'm not a poly veteran by any means, however...

I think that a lot of people just don't even know their own issues before they hit. Someone genuinely thinks they're OK with, and capable of, loving multiple people equally, ...and then they discover it's not the case at the same time their new partner(s) do.

Or, an uninvolved partner claims they don't care what their partner does with others, because they're currently very satisfied in their relationship, but feelings of jealousy/envy arise as soon as they start losing that precious currency of emotional energy--QUALITY TIME--to the other partners.

The key is, indeed, often just that- QUALITY TIME. If you start spending less time and energy on an existing relationship, they're going to feel it. Worse, if the existing partner is not even fully satisfied in the relationship, and then you start investing some of your time and energy into a new relationship, that will sting even more, and probably end the relationship.

Of course, if the particular thing you're now seeking elsewhere is also the one thing that your existing relationship partner WANTED to have with you, that will understandably blow up the relationship almost immediately. (I'm sure we can imagine how this might manifest in vanilla relationships as well as D/s...)

On the other end of the spectrum, if you "find someone new" for a thing/kink that your existing relationship(s) really don't care about, (this is often the case with more obscure, less sexual kinks) ...then the current partner(s) is/are very likely to not just tolerate it but be truly happy for you!

Again, that's only if you're still investing the same emotional energy into those existing relationships. If you're spending less time with someone, they have every right to feel annoyed, jealous, envious, whatever it is they want to feel.

Here's what I've found: Pour yourself into your existing relationship(s). Make sure your existing partners are more than satisfied, and that they're getting exactly what they want from you. That is the bare minimum foundation upon which you can build something poly. Otherwise, you're really just a revolving door of dating and open relationships.

The cool thing is, when you do this, and you're both truly happy and satisfied, on the one hand you might not even feel a need to look elsewhere, because all of a sudden your current relationship has become truly fulfilling in every way. There might be one or two kinks that you indulge in for their sake, but as long as you're good at it, and they indulge your kinks, party on!

But, on the other hand, you may also feel like you're brimming with new energy and love, which you can share with a new partner without causing so much as a blip of difference in your existing relationship. In fact, your existing relationships will notice that you're even more happy, and again, just so long as they're not envious of the specific thing you're doing with your new partner, they'll be genuinely happy for you.

As the most basic example, having multiple online partners or long-distance relationships can really help you get through a tough day, week, or month. You're less likely to feel alone and have to struggle by yourself, because while one partner is busy with their workday, you can turn to another for emotional support, advice, sexual release, or whatever you need.

Introducing D/s into the equation is a whole different discussion that I can't type out right now because I've already spent so much time on this essay, haha, but suffice it to say, it obviously does complicate things due to the whole "I own you/I control you" aspect of Dom/Master etc." Often, people will say that poly and D/s just don't mix well, period. But, again, it's just a matter of laying out your expectations, needs, and boundaries, and either agreeing or declining. If you start imposing hard limits vicariously, (say, your sub is not allowed to have other Doms, they may only have relationships with other subs) ...then yup, that will likely introduce entirely new feelings of being trapped, controlled, etc and it probably won't be the exciting, sexy versions of those feelings, haha.

But, you know what? If you respect each other, you'll listen to everyone's needs, and hopefully after a few painful mistakes, you'll find something that works. Just remember that D/s is an inherently control-based dynamic, and it definitely makes a poly lifestyle significantly more difficult, so all parties involved need to be clear with their own expectations, and reasonable about others' expectations.

Bunnie • Dec 10, 2020

Polyamory: Boundaries, Communication, and Risk. From what I’ve learned so far, in my eyes, these things are superficial aspects of what makes polyamory possible. It’s the *values* of the individuals involved that I believe are what need to truly be in synchronicity.

Respect. Respect for everyone involved and respect for what you are *all* creating together, I believe has to be paramount. If you’re incapable of respecting others, then that’s going to create a huge problem. This is where boundaries exist. For boundaries to be effective, everyone involved needs to believe in and respect the concept of Respect.

Trust. If you can’t trust, then you can’t trust anyone to the depths necessary, to believe that they have your best interests at heart. You need to be able to believe in others, which to a degree requires you to be capable of believing in yourself. You chose this person. You vetted them thoroughly (ideally) and chose to pursue things further. You need to trust that you did ok. From there it requires faith that you all have the same goals. To make that possible is where communication exists. Listening. Sharing openly and honestly. Owning your stuff. Each person being responsible for themselves and their part in maintaining what you’re creating together.

Emotional flexibility. You need to be willing to forgive mistakes. If you are too rigid in yourself, poly will never work for you. You need to be able to forgive yourself and forgive others. This is where risk exists. Emotional vulnerability is always risky. However, nothing comes without risk. You will be hurt at times. You will hurt others at times. It’s how you go about moving on from there that is what truly contributes towards creating a stable foundation.

Loyalty. In my eyes, loyalty is what brings it all together. The glue. Choosing dedication towards your goal of creating your life together, regardless of the obstacles. Remembering in each moment to keep choosing each other.

These words seem easy... and we all want to believe that our characters possess these qualities with natural ease. However unfortunately that’s not the case, and putting these things into practice is by no stretch of the imagination, a walk in the park... it is damn hard work. Before even fathoming the concept of stepping into poly, I would suggest asking yourself if you’re prepared to work this hard for a relationship. Are you prepared to have to face and work on yourself as much as is required to take part in a dynamic that asks so much of you?

Poly isn’t about “the more the merrier.” It’s about what a relationship looks like to you. That’s all. For some, the work is worth it because this dynamic is what fulfils them. For those wanting to dip their toe in and test the waters, it can be devastating if it’s not for you. Can poly be dysfunctional? Absolutely. Mostly from my own experiences that has been when it’s “something else dressed as poly.” And sometimes too, like in any relationship dynamic, people just aren’t the right fit, or there are people who don’t “relationship well.”

In my experience, although it’s not without its bumps in the road, *ethical* poly (or non-monogamy) can be quite beautiful and fulfilling for those invested. Why do I say “invested?” Because I see it as an investment. You get out what you put in. I believe that with the above values as strong contenders within the dynamic, how it “looks” structurally shouldn’t matter.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Dec 10, 2020

@Bunnie
That is a lovely road map you have created for ANYONE seeking to begin a polyamorous journey, or even just learn more about what might occur- ideally. Thank you for writing something that addresses the topic set forth- as you know- sadly- so often forum topics devolve into personal possible ‘pissng matches’ as I see here in spots, replete with cheering section formed of no one with any interest in the topic- only the interest in booing or cheering actual contributors to the topic. Sigh.
In sum, lovely ideas, and thank you for avoiding the drama Obs and I were afraid this topic might stir ❤️

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Dec 10, 2020

This is intended to serve as a - shock-forum for a vastly underserved topic. It is headed there.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Dec 11, 2020

YIKES! Let’s not look for zebras when they’re are only horses here. if you’re ever curious about whether you’re being a smidge paranoid- check the love(loves) on your comment. That should tell you if you’re off the mark by oh say- a few hundreds miles. Poly needed to be discussed. Regardless of inspiration. The world still( I promise) revolves around the sun! Not a person, and look! Today Bunnie wrote an excellent piece continuing the poly conversation!
Here’s to hoping the topic continues receiving attention.. sans whatever soap opera people may fear it was birthed from. The past is gone. The future is unknowable. In the meantime it’s a never-ending topic - maybe always in the Top 5 when it comes to kink ‘forums....’ I don’t know maybe you should check out other places. You will see then