Communicating your likes and needs as a submissive

Communicating your likes and needs as a submissive

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

I have a thought about "to submit" that I would like to discuss. English is not my first language so I hope I don't get lost here. Also I am new to the dom/sub world, so still just learning and reading other people's experiences. The blog section on this site has been amazing to read.

So what I wonder is, do you as a sub communicate your likes, wants, needs to your dominant partner?

I find it unusual perhaps that as a submissive you would communicate your likes to a dominant partner. To me that seems contradictory with "to submit". If I translate it to my own language and look for the meaning of "to submit" it means you do what someone else wants you to do.

In my own (very) limited dom/sub experience I get no enjoyment out of submitting to someone if I get what I want. I communicate my boundaries/limits, but other than that I submit to the will of the dominant partner. That loss of control is what excites me. Is it naive to think that way?

I hope this topic is ok to discuss here. Please feel free to correct me if I did something wrong.

Edit: I just realised this may have been discussed before at length. If that is the case, could you post a link to the topic ?

DrWakko • Apr 19, 2021

Just because you communicate what you want doesn’t mean you will always get.

You may get a ton of responses to this topic, but what I have seen is gay, lesbian, bi (pan) and straight D/s, M/s energy is different. So being a straight guy it is difficult to give a deep answer to your question since I am not in the same position to answer.

DW

DaddiesPumpkin​(switch female){Not Lookin} • Apr 19, 2021

I believe I've seen this topic or something similar posted before. Not sure if here in the forums or in the blogs... Someone possibly may come along with correct knowledge if so.

This is a good topic for discussion, though I am not sure my input would benefit this, but I'll share it.

I feel as though if you are asked to express such... Then do so, but as far as just tossing every little thing out there that you like/want/need may be a little off putting and be viewed as disrespectful.

Again, just a little of my own opinion on this.

🌼

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 19, 2021

Im glad you brought this up. There are many misconceptions of submission. First and foremost a D/s is a consensual arrangement between two adults. For any relationship to be healthy there is equality. Equal respect. Equal consideration.

Your not subscribing to their every whim. You start with you.
Your values
Your preferences
Your comfort zone
Your uniqueness
Your desires

You are living your life.

Take time to know yourself first. When you are with the right Dom your limits will be respected. But know they will also be pushed and you are the one to decide if that is okay or not.

You say yes and you can say no. Anytime.

If your desires are not being heard or your limits not respected then it is not a dynamic or relationship it is a toxic situation. Bad.

You hold the rails. You set the limits. Those limits can change when you feel they need to.

Submission is a decision. You decide what your submission looks like. You decide what Dom to keep.

Each person is in control of their own life. Their own future.

Open communication is part of a good D/s. Being up front about wants, likes, desires as well as dislikes, fears etc. This can only happen with someone who listens well. I recommend only engaging with a Dom who asks a lot of questions and listens to your questions a well. Moving fast is the sign of immaturity and lack of control.

A true Dom has self control.
If you feel unsafe emotionally or physically communicate this! If it continues than Run!

Your question deserves more time than a forum post can give. I hope something here helps you.

Rivermxl • Apr 19, 2021

Broad strokes here... Simply put, choosing a dom is like hiring someone to fix something in you home. You identify what you want fixing (wiring, plumbing, gardening) and you look for and call someone who's specialty is fixing what you need fixing. This person arrives and they will fix your problem, but you don't get to tell them how to do it, you give away control to have your needs met as per a previous agreement with someone who enjoys providing for such needs.

This analogy is not perfect but hopefully it'll help you better see how power works in these dynamics.

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

@Rivermxl Your analogy made me smile, thank you haha

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2021

First of all, if you have any problem with translations you may consider using the google translator tool. It could be good for either reading or writing.

Secondly, the basics of submitting is more than just doing as others say. It's about choosing someone to follow, someone to lead, someone to instruct and teach. They're also suposed to be someone you'd literally trust with your life, but as that kind of trust needs to be earned said relations usually don't wonk out.

TBDom​(dom male) • Apr 19, 2021

Great conversation and I agree with all that has been said here. One thing I would add though is my sub and I often will "lab" a new scene or a new idea before we do a full scene. For example, I just got a new coffee table and was going to tie her to it. We spent a little time making sure I understood how her joints were going to move relative to the table, where she might need extra padding, how to position her for maximum access to her mouth and pussy after she was tied, etc. In our lab mode, my sub is very much part of the conversation. Once we switch to scene mode the dynamic changes.

One other thing I have found to be very successful, is when my sub starts telling me what do do during a scene, I make a point of doing the opposite. For example, if she says fuck me faster, I will slow down and make sure to please her as slowly as I can. This is teaching her to trust that giving up control will still be very pleasurable. Of course, just sticking my cock in her mouth when she is talking too much is effective as well!

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Apr 19, 2021

Hi Truppensturm,

There are a lot of good answers here already. Adding my tuppence....

A lot of this depends on the style of dynamic you’re going to enter into with a Dom. Is it a permanent ongoing dynamic - or 24/7 as normally described. Or is it something that will be switched on and off for play sessions?

In both cases, communication is key. As suggested above, when looking for someone to be the other side of your dynamic, you are entering into a partnership/relationship. So it would be normal - indeed silly not to - to discuss likes and dislikes and enjoyments etc.

So my sub and I regularly discuss what we both like, enjoy, don’t like and want to try. Then after we talk about what went well - and what not so well....

That doesn’t mean she gets to decide what, where or when - but she certainly gets to give me insights into what she likes - then I decide if/how I want to use that.....

I hope this helps.

Truppensturm​(sub male) • Apr 19, 2021

@Dominus eius​ you are right. If you enter a relationship, it only makes sense to talk about what you like and don't like. By letting the dominant partner decide the what, where and when you are still giving up control, which for me is important.