Social Etiquette

Social Etiquette

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Sep 27, 2021

This was originally created in my blogs, but i felt it would be a nice contribution to the forum.

Hi!

I want to address something i have experienced, but in a constructive way, by focussing on ways we as a BDSM community can help to avoid some disruptive, but avoidable faux pas. We do some things differently and hopefully more mindfully in this lifestyle than others. Some may not understand their actions, regardless their intention, may be inappropriate.

Please remember, as a community we really should respect others’ kinky relationships, whether budding, blooming, or ebbing in their flow.

I choose to believe we all want this for one another.

We all know how special power / energy exchanges can be and would not want anyone to carelessly burst our own bubbles, so please enjoy, be happy for, curious about what others may be exploring, but respectfully at a distance unless invited in.

When communicating with or observing someone, remember, they may be living in a happy energy they created with another / others. do we really want to clumsily disrupt those lovely warm, glowy, and thuddy places in which we all enjoy basking?

To do so can actually be detrimental.

(no damage done here. i’m sharing to help us protect one another, because these breaches in etiquette have the potential to be detrimental to some at times)

Public sharing and (or) displays of affection, connection, flirtations, or simply expressions of friendship between open, honest, mutually consenting people, are not your invitation.

We may start to become aware of how others interact, changes in their energy, we may be tempted to speculate. i suggest to remember how intricate our special formulas are and assume you don’t know anything until you are informed. Definitely enjoy yourselves and be happy for happy energy.

I suggest, if you feel you simply must know more about another’s connection which was not DIRECTLY (not to be confused with “indirectly”) shared with you, ASK if it is okay to ASK about it, privately.

Yes, even well-wishes, based on assumptions are not appropriate unless the recipients have directly communicated to one individually or to a collective publicly, that these attentions are welcome.

I am certain it would be quite awkward to at least one, if not all those involved, if specific congratulations were offered privately or publicly regarding that which may or may not exist beyond whatever our skillful sleuthing may detect. It may be best to let others announce their happy fortunes if and when they have something to announce. I recommend waiting until people share any news they choose (consent) to share.

These are simply people existing in the same space as you. There is room. They owe no explanations.

We as responsible adults, are not to insert ourselves into others’ private spaces, violate their privacy, or make assumptions about their particular dynamic.

This is basic Social Etiquette,

however, if anyone feels this is not their idea of etiquette within their own interpretation or perspective of their community, i can respect that.

In that case, we can still draw a line for an individual that doesn’t agree by “defining, communicating, and defending” our own boundaries.


I have included an article i found after a quick search:
https://limitsunleashed.com/2015/03/31/social-etiquette-and-bdsm/

My focus and interest for the sake of sharing is regarding solutions. The Solutions section of this article is what i felt would be the most complimentary to the subject of this post.

Please visit the link to read more if you would like. i am not saying all these things should be set protocol and are to be followed by all, but i am commenting on what i would hope are concepts of basic social etiquette and manners.

Respecting that thing we do here, respecting our community and the energy exchange is something we can all do to help support strong, healthy relationships.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Miki • Sep 27, 2021

The whole post boils down to treating others, BDSM or not, as one would like to be treated.

Actually I don't differentiate between BDSM and not "out in the world", because I don't know what so-and-so does privately, nor do I care, and I'm pretty sure "they" feel the same ---so I do not share.

But basic etiquette when around others: Avoid nosy questions and on the other side of the coin avoid TMI.

RightOne • Sep 27, 2021

I find so many indirect and vague references to be a less than ideal way to communicate. I think it is better to be much more direct: In dungeon X person Y said thing Z to the female sub after a scene. It was awkward for the female sub. It made the female sub cry. Thing Z triggered the female sub because of an experience she recently had.

Or in dungeon X person Y approached person Z to ask for play even though person Z was wearing the wrist band that signals 'no play'.

Rules of etiquette do not appear to be uniform across kink events, regions of one nation, and of course multiple nations. It is very very common for kink events to have a mix of rigid bdsm lifestyle types and sensation seeking kink players with little knowlegde of 'protocols'.

PIck up play is of course common at kink events. The different forms and flavors of invitation are as much non verbal as verbal. The non verbal typically plays a large part in warming up participants for more formal and verbal negotiation to play. Some people negotiate for days before lightweight public play. Other people have great eye contact and cursory negotiation in a few minutes at an event before intense, deep, and long lasting play...for the first time together.

All in all...it pays to be careful with making assumptions about what is the 'correct etiquette'.

R1HZ

Jareth​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2021

My thoughts on this topic begin with that I agree with Miki about not differentiating between BDSM folk and the rest of the world when it comes to etiquette. Polite and respectful behavior should be the norm no matter who you are around.

To me that means being cognizant of those with whom I am interacting. When I am interacting with those involved in BDSM, I am hyper aware of privacy violations of any kind.

Many of us hide this part of ourselves from the people in our lives. Some of us came to this life long before there was any kind of visible acceptance and are acutely aware of the dangers of exposure. Some of us work for conservative companies or live in conservative neighborhoods. We have reputations that could be tarnished or outright destroyed. Some of us live in places where we could be jailed or even killed for enjoying this lifestyle.

This knowledge makes many of us play everything close to the vest. Even if it would be harmless for other people to know something, we choose to stay private.

That choice should be respected. Especially by a community that touts SSC as a core value. Consent can only be given when asked for directly. If there has been no conversation about private matters, there can be no consent for exposure of those matters, regardless of content.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Sep 28, 2021

i agree with this, however, it is not my intention to make an example of a person for something which was, overall in the grand scheme and all minor schemes, relatively insignificant on its own, so specifics were omitted.

the point i was making, which i know could have been much more direct, was primarily that respecting the space of others unless invited in is pretty standard on the etiquette and manners front…

and then there were some more words that emphasized my incredulity at the audaciousness of the inflictor of the many less than a thousand injuries (clearly my tone is tongue in cheek and self mocking here) oh there i go with those words again.

thank you for your contribution which outlined some more specific scenarios where one could find a need for a grasp of tact