What if there's no fulfillment possible?

acquiesced​(sub male) • Apr 11, 2021

I won't rebut, because your advice carries no more weight than mine, and none of us truly knows her situation, or what's best for her. We can only advise and she can make her own choices. It's always interesting how little it takes to hate, even by the 1% of the 1%, whom, by default, are looked upon adversely by the 99.9%

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 11, 2021

True that. Let's just hope her probelm is resolved positively. I meant no "hate" in my words though I come across mostly witty snarky but occasionally a bit too stern. I was just going by what she wrote initially and except for this new need, she says she has it good.

peace-out.

MrFulmen • Apr 11, 2021

That sounds like a hard situation to be in, with a tough set of priorities to balance.

Ideally you and your partner would work together to craft a relationship that fulfilled you both, with each of you going out of your way to delight the other.

A problem in kinky/non-kinky pairings is that the non-kinky partner has the massive weight of "normalcy" on their side. It's terribly easy for your husband to think of kink as an exceptional or unreasonable request, instead of seeing it as being equivalent to his vanilla preferences. And most of the world will implicitly support that view.

It can mean that you have to push hard (kindly, but hard) to make him understand that this isn't a question of "Do I agree to this bizarre request or do we do the normal, default thing," but a question of "How do we create a romantic/erotic relationship that meets both of our equally important needs."

One way to do that might be proposing that the two of you go see a kink-aware couples counselor.

https://www.kapprofessionals.org/

has a great directory for finding one near you.

The counseling can help, but even just making the proposal can be a wake up call that this is a serious thing and he needs to find an arrangement that works for you, not just brush it off.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 12, 2021

Awesome suggestion. Definitely worthy of MrFulbright!

Yucks aside that would be the best suggestion in here. If Hubby can play along without forcing himself, she'll be in hog heaven.

salutexlovely​(sub female){{Owned}} • Nov 3, 2021

JUST discussed why having a Dom doesn't HAVE to be sexual , or in person even. The protectiveness, the direction given , and the support are three major factors I've come to truly appreciate in my Daddy Dom . It hurts that your anxiety is so real =( . I'm happy to make friends and share what can be genuine care and so is Daddy !

eyeswideopeninsocks​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2021

I may be someone you can relate to in some ways. I didn't know/find/understand my desire for the BSDM side of things until fairly recently. I have been married to an incredible man for 17 years. He is a self described "meat and potatoes" guy. I also work as a sexual educator, so I am exposed and explore various topics and was always intrigued.

Our sex life was always hot, vanilla (though I didn't really know or care at the time), but hot.

The unexpected light switch came on when we were away from each other for about a month. Various trips kept us apart. I was listening to different sexual podcasts for work(Sex Nerd Sandra), but found them to be interesting for us....sent them to him. I was gone for awhile, and he sort of took off. He planned a weekend of fantasies and everything changed. This was TOTALLY out of left field. And then everything exploded open and we are on a new path that has been very fun!!

I think my point is.....keeping the conversation open...not in a "I want this will you try this" sort of way, but let's explore different things. Find out what his fantasies are, give him a space to explore those, then he may be more receptive to exploring yours. Our sexual selves are so complex....perhaps if you open the door to helping him explore more about himself, then he will be able to return the favor.

DanielBelum​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2021

As you can see, you are getting a variety of views and advice.

It is tricky, no doubt. But you've got a start in that you are talking to him. If he is communicating, then that is something to start with.
I guess I don't have much else to offer...I'm glad you found others here that have a similar struggle.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2021

The best I can think of in the moment is compromise.

You: I need a thing.
Him: I don't want that thing.
You: I will be unhappy if I am not fulfilled in this way.
Him: I will be unhappy if I have to do that, or of you go somewhere else for it.
You: We vowed to do what we have to do to keep each other happy.
Him: We did.
You: Let's try a couple of small things like hair pulling or spanking.

In fact, if you two have done either of these already you could point out that those are the kinds of things you're talking about.

If you are unable to reach a compromise then you have all the advice that everyone here has already given. 'Get over it or get out' neither of which is acceptable. It's a tough situation with no good answer, only potential compromise and hope for the best.

Sorry I have no better advice, but I happily offer you a pat on the head and a heartfelt "there, there."
🤗

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 5, 2021

This is a treasure trove of thoughtful advice. There never is any cut and dried answer when two people find their needs are no longer fully aligned with the others but this approach allows for an open dialogue and plenty of room for both parties to compromise. If, in the long run, the only fulfilling solution is to part ways, there's at least the comfort of knowing that a herculean effort was put into trying to make it work. Nothing can diminish the memories and love a couple has accumulated to date and hopefully that very same devotion that carried the couple THIS far will allow for the compromise to be reached.

AOD​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2021

1. buy lots of batteries
2. learn various slip knots
3. invest in a whipping machine, a tens unit and lots of porn