A Question for Submissives

A Question for Submissives

xlilbratbaex​(sub female)​{Owned} • Apr 23, 2022

Hey everyone ?
I've been thinking and I'd love to know what are your reasons for becoming submissive? What's your origin story? And what kind of submissive did you become as a result? What are things you seek in return for your submission? I also know many people in this space have had the privilege to find mentorship and learn from more experienced submissives (I like to think of them as the professionals, lol) and in a way, I hope this can point me in someone's direction. Sometimes I feel like I try to learn more about submission and the role that I play in this space and it seems my reasons aren't good enough or I haven't thought it out enough/done enough research. So maybe hearing someone else's story will help me travel this road of self discovery and purpose with a little more clarity.
Thank you all in advance for your time, even if it's just reading my post and I'm excited to read your responses.
?

SnappyJ​(sub female)​{Collared} • Apr 23, 2022

I was just thinking about my own journey the other day, so your question is timely.

I know my story isn't unique - I run the family, work from home, do all the mom things plus hold down a demanding and successful job. In many ways, I'm the dom in our daily marriage (married 20+ years).

But this isn't really me - it's me by necessity. At night, I become the real me and relax and lean into my sub nature. When the bedroom door closes, my husband becomes my Sir and then I can explore my submissive nature in a safe place.

For us, this works. We can't right now be 24/7 and I don't know if we ever will. For now this is balanced and gives us both what we need.

Foxylivy​(masochist female) • Apr 24, 2022

This is a great question, thank you!

I’ve been submissive since my very first relationship. I wasn’t aware of the verbiage, but I fell into that role naturally. I learned a lot about myself and my need to please my partner. There’s just a certain look that a dom will bestow upon you that causes my brain to shut down and my feelings to flow freely.

In the last year I’ve discovered the masochist that’s always been there, but dormant. It brings me immeasurable amounts of pleasure when I make my partner smile. When they know I’m the soft place they can fall when life becomes chaotic. To me submission is not a choice, but simply an integral part of who I am.

I’m seeking someone with a sense of nobility about themselves. That seemingly lost trait of honor and principles. In exchange I’m truly just looking for that connection and the sense of belonging to that one person. I believe the D/s dynamic is a beautiful exchange of energy and passion.

Submission is an ever evolving journey, just take it slowly and always be kind to yourself. If you ever need a friend or just a friendly ear feel free to reach out. ?

This is simply my view, and I look forward to reading the perspective of others.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female)​{LJ} • Apr 24, 2022

I can’t say I “became” submissive. It’s just who I am inside. With the right Dom (like I have in my Sir), my desire to submit and please him just comes naturally.
As for my story, I didn’t realize this about myself until I was already married. My ex husband tried a few things at my suggestion, but he just wasn’t into it. I pushed that part of myself down for the sake of the marriage and because I loved him. When the marriage failed, I knew I didn’t want to have to deny myself what I’d been desiring ever again.

Spellbound Wytch​{Mr. Parker} • Apr 24, 2022

"Becoming a submissive?"

I don't consider that a choice that someone makes a decision to be. Not for anyone I personally know, at any rate. I don't even identify as a submissive and will never claim to be one. My "submission" has been freely given to only three men in my 55 years here on earth and I married two of those men prior to meeting my current dominant, Mr. Parker.

My relationship with him began with me advertising for a play partner on a few kink platforms. Someone who was local to me and someone who was willing to play with a bona fide masochist in a public/semi public setting. After a few vanilla dates and increasingly intense scenes, I was surprised to find myself craving to submit to him and please him in all conceivable ways. Our relationship then flowed into a rewarding power exchange dynamic. I've actually never heard of someone just deciding to "become a submissive" but clearly I must be on the outside of this club and just looking in with my nose pressed to the window wistfully. ??

Re: A Question for Submissives

Noire​(sub female)​{Un-collard} • Apr 25, 2022

Hello Beautiful!

It’s lovely to meet you! Alright how do I keep this short and sweet? Hmm..
In my second long term relationship in the vanilla world. I discovered that I had a hard time perusing sexual intimacy with my partner. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to them. I just simply wanted them to take a hold of the reigns sort-of-speak. I learned very quickly that I was submissive just by how my demeanor changed when I was home. The need to please my partner and be praised for it was a huge thing for me.

I guess I can say I’ve always had submissive traits. How I learned about my submissive identity was through trial and error. It took a lot of self reflecting and being one with what I needed as a person to feel fulfilled. Once my inner work was done, my self worth established. I sought out experienced dominant people to help me refine what it meant to be in a D/S dynamic. I have yet to find a dominant who will collar me. Fingers crossed! But this journey is meant to take time.

So have fun! Safe fun though! I’m exploring your sexuality/sensuality writhing being a submissive. I encourage you to define what submission is to you and to grow upon that with added experience. I wish you luck! Your beautiful energy has many paths ahead as you forge on word into this kinky world!

Love,
Noire.

yuppie​(switch gender queer) • Apr 25, 2022

The first time I was in a sexual relationship I was honestly kinda confused by what my partner wanted. I hadn't really thought about what I wanted sexually at the time (I now id as a sub leaning switch), but it felt natural to me that there should be a power differential. I was a bit bummed that they didn't seem to want to be in control, and in my mind that meant that they probably wanted me to be more dominant. Surprise, surprise, they were actually just super vanilla. Unsurprisingly we didn't last too long.
I'm a bit of a fandom nerd and a little later I read an alternate universe fanfic where the characters were engaging in realistic kink. It was super well written and I was blown away by how into it I was. Previously when I had read anything about BDSM it seemed totally unrealistic as well as completely uninterested in consent so I though it couldn't be for me, but this story made me curious. I did loads and loads of research and here I am! I'm still relatively unexperienced and I don't think I know everything about myself as a submissive, but I'm happy to have learned more.

Bunnie • Apr 25, 2022

Hi @xlilbratbaex,


“what are your reasons for becoming submissive?”

That’s a great question. The simple truth of it is that it’s how I love. I love with a quiet ferocity and devotion that doesn’t seem to fit comfortably in the vanilla world. It always felt like if I allowed myself to let go and open up to that, I would be too much. It has taken a long time in this journey for me to come to accept that I am ok with this desire to worship at the altar of an Other. Ultimately I guess I simply got tired of feeling like I was always being told by society that my way of loving is wrong, so I set out to look for someone who didn’t feel it was wrong for them.


“What's your origin story?”

I didn’t know I was “a submissive.” Or perhaps a more accurate way to say it would be that I didn’t know there was a description for how I felt, or “relationshipped,” or that there was a whole community similar to me, living in a way I didn’t even know was an option to live in as a permanent way of life. All I knew was that the life I had always lived, regardless of how hard I tried to fit, just never felt right for me. But I had resigned myself to that being all there was. Occasionally I came across people or porn that suggested there may be other options, but I thought those worlds were far beyond me and my reach. So I figured rather than try to find my place, I would adapt as best I could to the one I was in and just learn to ignore everything that was screaming inside me. And I managed to do that for a while, however, as I’m here, obviously it didn’t work in the long run. Eventually it became impossible to continue living such an all-round lie, and I made the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make in life, for the first time putting myself first. Ironic isn’t it? To become who I really am as a person required me to step up and take responsibility in ways I simply hadn’t wanted to… which is why I was stuck living a life that wasn’t truly mine.
So I guess that’s my origin story. Nothing sexy or particularly significant to anyone but me.


“And what kind of submissive did you become as a result?”

This has been an interesting journey. Despite having many “tendencies,” I have found that it really depends on the person as to what characteristics of my submission come to the forefront. Perhaps it could be said I’m a bit of a chameleon. For me it’s about symbiosis.


“What are things you seek in return for your submission?”

I need to feel emotionally safe.



As for mentors, I have many. It takes me a long time to determine who’s knowledge and wisdom I trust and resonate with. Those are the people I go to for advice.

There are two quotes I have carried on this journey that have helped me tremendously:

‘Follow your heart, but take your head with you.’

and

‘Don’t take criticism from people you would never go to for advice.’


I can remember for about the first two years of this journey, feeling like an imposter. It took so long for me to feel like I belonged, and in all honesty at times I still have moments of feeling like I don’t, or feeling like I’m not really a “true” submissive. Ask any of those who know me well and they’ll tell you I have constant “crises of faith” in my abilities. So, as much as I would love to be able to give you advice in that area, I can’t. Except to say just keep going, to the best of your abilities. Just keep learning about yourself. Good luck on this journey of discovery, I hope it takes you to the places you dream of

nuovacane​(switch male) • Apr 28, 2022

I started as a submissive, I remember getting a hard-on when playing fantasy Wild West games and getting tied up. I also had this overwhelming desire for a curvy woman with 1950's style short curly hair who lived the opposite side of the road to take control of me, to lock me in her cupboard and bring me out to serve her. I enjoyed the feeling of kinkiness and that has never changed, and I liked the idea of serving and being looked after and protected. My family at the time was a bit all over the place and I think I needed that security.

Later, after I had been living independently I started to notice that my interactions with women had changed. I was still seeking out women who I thought had that controlling, protecting and dominating character but often the public and private personas where very different. Some women who do have these characteristics are actually quite opposite in private. And I started to enjoy the feeling of having a women submit to me. There is a good chance this is related to my increased confidence in my life in general.

Now I switch, and that giving and receiving of service and discipline and giving up control via bondage or other means in both directions I find incredibly erotic. It's like sharing a deeply intimate exchange or opening of self with another person. I still love being submissive but that is only one aspect for me now.