Differences Between Vanilla And Kink Relationships

Zelia • Aug 31, 2022

What are some things that BDSM/Kink/ lifestyle relationships have that vanilla relationships don't?

• Power exchange; the giving up of as many aspects of ‘life’ to another as suits the relationship

• Worship; for me this varies from the ‘love’ of a vanilla relationship both have love this is more intense

• Structure and protocols; these are present in every aspect of life the structure and protocols I refer to here are aspects like using an honorific, kneeling, mantras, third person speech, eye contact restrictions

• Rules; very clear rules that pertain to every aspect of life, bedtimes, use of language, nutrition, hydration, self care… whatever is appropriate

• Consequences/punishment; very clear consequences for conduct and behaviour

• Clear accountably; there is an investment in the other, they hold you accountable for progress and behaviour, and expect both to be of a high standard

• Deep detailed investment in the other partner; knowledge and understanding of every aspect of life and encouragement to grow and develop

• Intimacy borne of vulnerability; being seen at your most vulnerable in a scene or when completing a task brings a degree of intimacy that is more intense

• Capacity to explore sexually, and in terms of polyamory and involving other partners

• Risk taking; edge play in particular

What are some things that vanilla relationships have that BDSM/Kink/ lifestyle relationships don't?

• Autonomy; much more independence in all aspects of life

• Decision making; decision making is expected and welcomed

• Independence

• A different kind of knowledge of the other, often more intimate relationships with extended family depending on location of both relationships

• Monogamy; this has been much more prevalent in my vanilla relationships

This is my own experience. The lists are by no means complete. Drinking morning coffee and just thinking aloud. It’s hard to be specific about what a vanilla relationship has that a lifestyle relationship doesn’t have for me because my lifestyle relationship has many aspects of vanilla relationships.

It’s also easy to say that there are aspects of lifestyle relationships in vanilla relationships. There are unspoken protocols that naturally evolve, rules and consequences for behaviour, encouragement to develop is present, but they are much less tangible and difficult to articulate in vanilla relationships; for me.

Great thought provoking post.

Superwet84​(sub female) • Aug 31, 2022

Huh

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Aug 31, 2022

Since there seems to be a focus on technical misinterpretations such as the difference between “relationships” and “dynamics” I would like to start off with saying that the two are interchangeable. Relationships are made up of dynamics between people. This is called Relationship Dynamics. Relationship dynamics make up every facet of our day. If you go to the same gas station every week and you know the clerk by name and greet him/her then you have a relationship and the interaction between the two of you is the dynamics.

The definition of dynamic, “ a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.”, refers to the system of the relationship, the force in my example is a greeting, and the change or progress depends on that greeting. If you say “Good morning Kelli, it’s nice to see you” that is a force that solidifies the standard of the relationship, but if you say “Fuck off today, I don’t have time to talk” that will be a force of change within the relationship. Kelli would likely never greet you again.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Aug 31, 2022

My second point is to the original question. In my vanilla relationships there has been less communication about needs, wants, expectations. There doesn’t have to be less, we can communicate those things in any relationship, but the level of deep sharing is different. Often times in a romantic vanilla relationship one party or both withholds what they truly desire in order to live up to societal expectations.

In a D/s relationship there is a clearer expression of true wants, needs, and expectations. I feel that this is due in part because we set aside that societal preconditioning and explore our most vulnerable selves.

I see no point in separating the way that I describe my relationship with terms such as vanilla or kink. Except in this case when someone has specifically asked to do so. In my view, we are in a relationship that has different dynamics than the majority of our other relationships.

Kink does not have to be a committed relationship, play partners and sessions are common. However, even in that case, you have a relationship.

So, to simplify the difference to me, there is a deeper level of clarity between the parties involved.