| Diaaa |
2 years ago •
Oct 26, 2022
FlyingAlan wrote: Even from a Dominant's point of view, this was a sea of red flags, so many it's hard to even begin.
ANYBODY that says he doesn't need to communicate in advance should be avoided like the plague. I agree with basically everybody else, you were abused and then try to absorb some of the blame yourself. When in a scene a Dom should ALWAYS, repeat ALWAYS be looking out for the safety of his sub because a lot of times she might be "out of it" Out of it does NOT give you permission to keep going, that's when a Dom shines and protects his sub. I always assume I am taking care of 2 people, not just me. To be honest, reading your initial post makes me want to find this dude and teach him a lesson on what it feels like to be a sub that's getting abused. Which would be the first time in my life that I would have ever wanted to ignore safewords. Thank you for your response. As I've mentioned in other replies, the responses have helped put things into perspective. I put a lot of it down to my own inexperience, but the penny is kind of dropping from seeing everyone's replies. It's helpful to have the perspective of other people who are Dom's as it helps me to see what this kind of relationship should be like. Thanks again |
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Online now
| Diaaa |
2 years ago •
Oct 26, 2022
I'mME wrote: @Diaaa,
Oh my goodness. I'm sorry that you experienced this and from what I am reading between the lines, probably a lot more that you are not sayinf from past relationships. I'm very much with Butterflies & Cuffs in where to start, so I'm going to start with .... STOP. I want you to stop engaging with me. Until you are ready to sit down at a table with your clothes on and communicate with the person across from you about a scene, and negotiate. Okay!!! I'm not kidding , you could have DIED except you didn't when your last memory of the rope being your neck . Or you could have ended up in the bed like a carrot. Pretty color but not much else. Do you understand that breath play even in the hands of experienced players is DANGEROUS. he had a knife? He punched you so hard that you lost a damn tooth? Hear me now..... This douche is not a Dominant , he or it is just a douche. That's right , I just wrote that. Anyone can call themselves whatever they want . Where did you meet this douche? Listen you obviously are a smart lady or at least you are ARTICULATE. Do you ever at any time say no? To be frank it's gone past that now. But if you did say noy then he assaulted you. . He assaulted you anyhow, this doesn't even sound like a case of someone (him) who just lacks experience to me. I know you do. Please do not ever let someone tie you up that you don't know pretty damn well. You mention that some prior kink sex before. Did it always go like this? Has no one ever talked to you , asked you what you were into to? A sub has every right to say know. Several times you mention that the douche did not stop. That is assault. If you want to pursue that with the law I will support you. I don't want anything I wire to make you feel that because you did not or could not say no, that it was okay what the douche did. Why honey, would you think that was okay? For him to spit on you and slap you ? When no discussion was had. Do you know what the difference between the kink that is enjoyed by these folks and abuse is? CONSENT...and consent each time . Just because you give it once to be slapped doesn't mean that they can forever slap you during a scene. The Dominant and the sub can have limits (hard or soft) . And you should have had a safe word as well as another avenue Incase your mouth was busy to halt whatever was going on . If you are half conscious, you can not give consent . There are situations with CNC, which you don't even need to worry about now. It's something that people who explicitly trust each other engage in. That uncomfortable feeling you kept describing in your post, that is your inner voice screaming to be heard. Hundreds of years of evolution have gone into all of us having that voice. If something were to happen to you we wouldn't even know it. I'm not going to say that you should be in therapy, bc that is not my place. But I do think that you need to stop and cease meeting with strangers until you feel able to voice what you want or don't want. Actually I think you need to get in a class BDSM 101 . Do some reading about why you don't have healthy relationships. I think you already have an idea of why that is. I hope to hear back from you ..... I mean that. ❤️ Thank you for responding. In terms of my past and my previous experience with kink, it was sort of similar. My first serious relationship was quite sexually abusive and he did try to disguise his sexual abuse as 'kink' at times. I guess that's probably why I have some difficult discerning what's okay and what isn't. I do know that there is a clear difference between consensual kink/bdsm and abuse but when I've been in these situations that clear difference becomes more blurry and confusing for me. I think because I consented to some of it, I told myself that stuff I didn't give informed consent on was my fault for not telling him not to do it, if that makes sense? However, people's responses have made me realise that I couldn't tell him not to do something that I didn't know he was going to do. By time he'd already done it, it was too late. I think very deep down, on some level, I knew that there at least should have been more conversation about what he was planning on, but again blamed my own inexperience. I am already in trauma therapy for my past, but I haven't even begun to unpack all of this with them yet because up until the conversation with a friend and then this post, I'd managed to convince myself that everything was fine and anytime I was uncomfortable or even 'traumatised' by what happened, that it was on me. My therapist is trying to help me in terms of my people pleasing and boundaries. I have ended the relationship with the person in question and I am planning on avoiding engaging in BDSM until I am able to assert myself more and unwrap what I actually like vs what has just been done to me. Hopefully in time, I'll be able to figure out what I enjoy/what my limits are and explore this with someone safe, in a healthy way. |
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| Diaaa |
2 years ago •
Oct 26, 2022
I just wanted to do a general reply for everyone who's responded to this post and thank you for your kindness, advice and support. It's been very helpful and allowed me to see things a bit more clearly. My insight into the situation was somewhat clouded due to a lot of different factors. I was gaslighting myself in a way, but everyone's input has helped to see things more clearly and to realise that this wasn't okay. I have told the person in question that I will no longer be seeing them or maintaining any kind of sexual relationship with them. I definitely have a lot to work on in terms of myself. Hopefully in the future once I've processed all of this, I will be able to explore my sexuality and preferences with someone who respects me and is safe.
Thank you again |
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FunCouple{.-Couple-.}
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2 years ago •
Oct 26, 2022
Don’t be surprised if you feel the temptation to slip back or the person concerned starts ‘sniffing around’.
Stay strong … it will get easier AND you will meet someone more deserving. FC |
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laneyrae(sub female)
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2 years ago •
Oct 27, 2022
Even if u consent to something if it feels off mid act your safe word /tap should be respected and beyond that a good partner would be looking for signs of ur enjoyment / on going consent ... you didn't do anything wrong but he is not a safe partner. In my mind part of a doms job is to monitor the safety and enjoyment of the sub because it can be overwhelming in the moment and they are ones who r often leading the scene. Sending u a lots of hugs 💛
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