Looking for advice on starting out.

Looking for advice on starting out.

Vega • Nov 17, 2022

Hello. I am extremely new to this kind of thing. I only just recently realized I had an interest in this. The kind of relationship I’m seeking is one with strict rules that I follow, but not a 24/7 master/slave relationship as that would be too complicated for reasons I am unwilling to discuss here.

The rules I was thinking of are mostly related to physical care and exercise. For example “You must get at least x minutes of exercise each day” or “you must drink x amount of water each day.”

I am working on setting up an agreement between me and my potential domme, but she has also advised that I make a post here with any questions I may have. So here I am, with questions.

What are the most important boundaries to discuss first?

How do I increase communication between me and my domme? Specifically, how do I allow myself to be more open to her?

What are important things to think about when scening?

How do I handle sub drop?

If I refer to my domme as “mistress” or “ma’am” should I do that specifically inside scenes or outside them as well?

In general, what advice would you give to a sub who is very new to a BDSM relationship?

Thank you. Any help is appreciated.

Estaria​(sub female) • Nov 17, 2022

Read....a lot. Go over to the articles that were carefully put together on this site, they are amazing for newbies. Then ask questions. Most of what you're asking can be answered by the articles available.

Miki • Nov 17, 2022

... and then have crystal clear and honest , "out of role" (Not as a sub or a dominant but as a human) conversations with your potential partner regarding expectations, limits, how the other feels about you being totally inexperienced in all this, etc.

Bottom line, limits are BDSM acts which would make you uncomfortable-- not as a sub but as a person, for example, there are those who are into "watersports" but most are hard-limited about "scat" which is not only unhealthy, it's gross. Those are extreme examples but demonsrate the kinds of things each and both should draw the line.

For further example, my hard limits were (when I was active) no scat of course, no heavy bruising or broken bones, bloodletting or permanent marking and no choking games. I realize that intensifies an orgasm but the risk of a dominant who thinks he knows what he's doing--- getting carried away or makes an honest mistake (and some weirdos one can easily find by rushing into a scenario too quickly) .. and, well, the poor fuck has a corpse to explain and I then had better learn to play harps or joust with pitchforks 'cuz life is over.

Anyway, everything need not be so extreme.. If a partner goes over a line not drawn, it's not that partner's fault but still, such events can turn anyone, especially someone brand new to this shit--- off from BDSM as a whole.

Also if and when you get a dynamic going, both should be aware of the fact that it's not uncommon for someone new to this to realize it doesn't really turn them on and they decide to discontinue... The other should be made to understand that it's nothing personal, just that this twisted crap isn't all it's cracked up to be for many--- usually those who get their first information from campy movies or novels and have no clear picture of what it's all about-- and the reality does not meet the expectation.


All things to think about. Give it a whirl, communicate clearly, and be patient about it all.