Newbie Dom seeking advice!

Newbie Dom seeking advice!

PattonPending​(switch trans man) • Mar 31, 2023

Hello!

I am not new to BDSM, but new to a community of support. So I apologize if there’s something similar out there, I’m still digging around and learning!

For some information: I am AFAB but identify as male, I am a switch though I get much more pleasure from being a dom than a sub, and I’m fortunate enough to have a partner who likes being a sub more then a dom.

My partner loves being tamed, degraded, & controlled and these are all things I would LOVE to do for them, but my own fears get in the way, llike I’m hurting them or being too repetitive in what I can do since I feel very limited by the assets given to me at birth.

Because they’re a brat it turns into them doming me and while we both enjoy it and never complain, I feel like it’s less satisfying for the both of us.

I make sure to ask and talk about intimacy after it happens, or the next day to make sure that they’re not only happy, but enjoying it and I’m taking constructive criticism and critique.

I’m just looking for some advice on maybe “how to dom effectively”, punishment ideas, ways to be more assertive, and how to get comfortable with pushing my own boundaries of discomfort in these areas! — I’m well aware that everyone needs are different, but I want to start big and work smaller. I feel I might have more success this way in my journey

Any and all help you can give or direct me to would be so greatly appreciated and I appreciate you all so much for taking the time to read .

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 1, 2023

"How to Dom effectively"? is not really a correctly posed question. It's very broad/vague. It depends on a lot of things, and would somewhat change based on the dynamic and the people involved. I don't think enough info is given here to give a full response. But I would start by saying some things I would consider. I will also greatly oversimplify things, but I think that's good for getting essential points across. There are nuances and caveats to everything I say, but I won't go into them and just assume you'd apply these in a safe, sane, and consensual way.

I will also not go into punishment ideas. Or ideas for what to do given the "limiting assets" you have. A quick google search and picking things that jive with you will solve those problems. There are many lists of ideas out there on the internet. There are also many strategies you can pick up on how to be assertive. But I will go into some things about how you'd want to approach things generally.

You say you want to start big, I don't necessarily agree with this strategy. The chances it would work are very small, but hey, maybe we can come up with some ideas if you get a bit more specific on what you want (see below). But perhaps you'd be satisfied with a bit of an extreme stance on things.

Step 1: Decide what you want.

Being the Dom, in very simplistic terms, means making decisions on behalf of the sub. Now while the sub's likes and dislikes (and especially limits) are a factor, they can NOT be the driving force of your decisions. A D/s type arrangement is largely a power exchange type of arrangement. So it should not really be based on the will of the sub, but rather on your will. The sub wants to give this power to you, you can't just give it back! You need to be clear on what your goals for the dynamic are and not let them be influenced too much by what your sub's will is.

This is important. Because, if your rules and goals are based mostly on the sub's will, you end up with the sort of things you're complaining about, like topping from the bottom (https://thecage.co/magazine,186.html) and more of the brattiness overtaking you and them domming you. And really...they're the Dom if it is them that determine what the rules are...just like, by definition.

As the Dom, things need to be your decision, and someone choosing to be sub to you is choosing to go along with these decisions as long as they're "reasonable" (as determined by the rules of the dynamic which all parties will consent to of their own volition). This should not be an issue as long as you two are compatable enough and your kinks/values line up well enough. Your partner chose you for a reason. You are someone they like/admire/love/respect. It is reasonably safe that if you act like you, as opposed to act how they want you to act, things will be fine. If not, you have bigger issues than the ones you're talking about.

Decide what kind of dynamic you want, how you want your sub to behave, what you want to accomplish, how you want to exert control, etc. At first, do this with no limits. Your partner and their wants don't matter in the initial stages of this process. Just think about you and what you want. Subs want guidance, a Dom needs to have some sort of guiding force or direction that the sub can latch on to. If you don't know what's going on or what the goals are, your sub can't depend on you as a guide, as you'd be just as lost as they are!


Step 2: Figure out how to implement what you want. And set up rewards and punishments to reinforce this.

Once you know what you want, now you go over that again and revise the list. Now you start worrying about your subs wants and limits. (BTW: this is assuming that when starting the dynamic you were up front with what your goals were and your sub consented to them in some high level way. The details come later. But like, if you want a more M/s type dynamic, your sub should have slave tendencies and that would appeal to her, otherwise, you're not a good match, etc.). This is where you try to find intersections between what you want (the primary goal) and what your sub wants (determining how the primary goals will be enforced in a positive way in your sub's life).

As an example, to me, communication is important. So, having my sub communicate with me freely and deeply would be a goal I want for my dynamic. I want to know my sub as well (or better) than they know themself. But how can this be implemented. Well, there are several strategies. (1) Set up a minimum number of contact points. For instance, I would tend to require my sub to always say good morning to me when they wake up and good night to me before they go to bed. This means, even if they day goes crazy and they're so busy that we can't communicate about anything, we have at least two contact points every single day, where we at least make small talk. Say good morning, ask how they are doing and what the plan for the day is (or give them the plan, etc.). If the sub likes writing, you can institute a journal rule. They have to journal according to some prompts a certain number of times per week that you decide. You can set up phone calls a certain number of times per week, or meeting in person a certain number of times per week/per month, etc. The point is, I know communication is the goal, so I figure out ways to encourage this with what my sub's tendencies and limits are in mind.

There may be some wiggle room or negotiation that can take place here. But eventually you will be set on a certain set of behaviors you expect your sub to perform in a certain way.

Step 3: Execute on the above decisions with (almost) no compromise.

Put the above into practice and don't compromise (provided this is safe for your sub physically, mentally, emotionally, etc.). If you say I want behavior X, and if you don't do it you will get punishment Y. Then if your sub does not do X, you MUST do Y! The sub needs to know as the Dom, you're the one making the decisions, and you're not a pushover. They need this trust and stability from you. You made the rule and discussed with them for a good reason right? What does it say if you don't enforce that rule? (It says many things, none of which are good--maybe the rule wasn't a great or important one in the first place, maybe you can't stick to your word, maybe you're a pushover, maybe you don't actually like to make and enforce decisions--these are all sort of non-dominant things...)

Decide what you want, figure out how to implement it, and then stick to it!

Step 3b:
There are some nuances with brats here. My views on brat taming are that you shouldn't really try to get get rid of all the brattiness of your brat, but rather, you want to control it so it doesn't get out of hand. Sometimes this involves making them think they've "won" some confrontation, but really, you're just conceding a battle to win the war sort of thing. Lots of nuance here. Sometimes my brat acts up and I shut it down immediately. Other times I allow it. Other times, I redirect it. It depends on the brat and the situation.

Step 4: Keep communicating to make sure what you want to establish is actually getting established.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You may have goals, and set up rules to achieve them, but that does not mean these would have the intended effect. Sometimes this is obvious, but sometimes not. So you should always communicate with your sub (about many things, but I am specifically talking about this context). So you want X, and you want X because you want your sub to feel Y (say, as a dominant, you have a protector energy, so you want your sub to feel safe and protected). You can simply have conversations like, "when I made you do X, did that make you feel Y?" and you discuss why or why not, and then you go back to step 2.

This is already a very long post. I'll stop here.

PattonPending​(switch trans man) • Apr 1, 2023

Herro,

I appreciate your reply and time you took to write it. It means a lot to me that you took the time to write this even if you didn’t agree with what I wrote.

I didn’t think about some of the things you wrote as part of the dynamic, and truthfully would help a lot such as multiple points of contact!

I need to implement steps 1-3 better I’ll admit, but Step 4 is something I do and something I feel that is very important (because if they’re not enjoying it I can’t)

Again, thank you. It means a lot to me you’d stop to reply and hopefully I can come back with some more directed questions if needed.

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 1, 2023

In regards to what you said about step 4, I am the same way: I don't enjoy doing things to my submissive that they don't enjoy. I have literally axed rules for this reason. Consent is important, and with some things, you want that consent to be enthusiastic. Otherwise, I think a connection is broken, and you're both having two different experiences, instead of sharing the same experience. Which is not good, in my opinion.

Like I said, I was leaving out a lot of nuance, and I glossed over things "matching up" and "complimenting". However, even with this, it is not so cut and dry...there are times when your submissive can like AND not like something at the same time. It can be fun playing with such boundaries. It also can deepen their sense of submission, to know that they are doing something that they would never choose to do themselves or with someone else, but they do it simply because you command it. They can derive great pleasure from such submission. Knowing that they are doing something for your pleasure and not their own brings its own kind of pleasure. (Again, you should be reasonable here. You shouldn't do this sort of thing with their hard limits or anything like that. But sometimes, pushing other boundaries is a good thing, and may have moments of discomfort in the beginning, but on the other side, there is huge payoff).