DDLG (Please help)

DDLG (Please help)

TheVampTrav​(switch male) • Apr 21, 2023

I am not sure exactly where to start. I guess this is a very broad question regarding my capabilities to be a Daddy. I am a switch, and according to my test just a tad bit more on the submissive side, however i do have very dominating characteristics.

What characteristics are essential to Littles? How weak is to weak? What happens when your Daddy isn't strong when you need him to be?

These are my concerns. I feel like i can care about someone to no end...if the connection is there, i fewl that I give good advice and have a strong head on my shoulders, im determined, im passionate, im energetic and goofy. But im also dark, and self conscious, i have the tendency to doubt myself, and how well im doing with certain things especially if im not receiving communication.

These characteristics obviously are normal for most humans, but when i get in that dark place...its very difficult to get out of. Especially if my little is seeing it as a weakness, or unattractive.

I know this is not like an official question and more of a rambling but there is a lot swirling around in my head.

Re: DDLG (Please help)

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2023

Hi Travis,

Actually, being aware of our shortcomings and worrying about how it will affect our lg's and then trying to figure out ways to mitigate this is something Daddies should do! I know you meant this as a desperate plea for help...but you're actually doing something very Daddy-like at this very moment.

Now...having said that. It doesn't necessarily mean being a Daddy is right for you. But I think the reality is way more hopeful than you may think.

I'm not trying to be rude, but I shall ignore most of your direct questions and get to the heart of what I believe the main questions and issues are (at the moment anyway--others may arise later).

I was talking to someone about this recently. Dynamic titles D/s, M/s, DD/lg, etc are just guidelines....they may share some broad characteristics together, but the truth is, there are as many kinds of dynamics as there are partners. No two dynamics are the same, even if classified under the same umbrella. Do not worry about whether there is some standard DDlg and some standard form of a Daddy and whether you measure up. Instead, worry about whether you can fulfill your needs, and those of your little, in a way that's beneficial to both of you--even if you create a dynamic structure that doesn't quite fit the mold of its classification.

It is less about can you be a Daddy to your little and more about do you want to be a Daddy to your little and does she want you to be her Daddy. You spoke about communication, and this would apply to you also. Did you communicate to her that you are interested in being her Daddy, however, you have concerns about certain shortcomings and whether these are a deal breaker to her. If she knows all this, and you explain what you think are some possible consequences and she still wants to enter a DD/lg-type dynamic with you. Then we're good bud'. Then starts the work of negotiating rules and protocols for the dynamic so each person knows what to expect and what is expected of them. And each person believes in good faith that they can offer what is expected (being aware that humans aren't perfect and we'll mess up sometimes, yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill).

Do you want her as a little, does she want you as a Daddy, despite both of your shortcomings? Figure that out first.

TheVampTrav​(switch male) • Apr 21, 2023

I understand all of this and appreciate your thoroughness. I guess the problem comes into play when she says or does certain things. When we have had these conversations she tends to doubt me and my feelings for her, or she gets overwhelmed with these feelings. Which is all perfectly fine. My fear is that she will see me as one thing..and not the other. I just want to be enough for her, yet i also want to feel like enough and whenever these conversations come up she tends to hide and block negative emotions because of fear of hurting me. Which is not healthy for any relationship, i have assured her that i just want honesty and communication and that i am willing to work to put in the effort needed to at least explore this type of thing, but for her....i dont think that will be enough.

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 21, 2023

Got it.

Not blaming you, but we do need to cover these bases:

* how do you act when you get negative feedback?
* you spoke of getting into a dark place...has your little seen this? And if so, has it happened because of something that happened between you two?

Once we get past that, we can talk about solutions outside of you. There are many, but they depend on your little. It ultimately comes down to (1) finding an avenue that she would be comfortable giving all sorts of feedback, negative and positive and knowing she is safe to do so and that you are safe from her doing so, (2) instituting rules/rewards that both incentivizes her to open up in this way, but limits the negative downsides of your responses.

These would involve a kind of show-n-tell component also.

You can't say something is safe to do, yet you show through actions that that may not be the case. The incongruence will not go down well.

This is getting into the weeds of things. So you may want to talk with me or someone you trust about it privately.

psychotherapist​(dom female) • Apr 23, 2023

the true power is to accept your weakness, to be able to show it to your little. you’re not weak 'cause you’re having dark times, but strong 'cause you’re coping with them.

Miki​(masochist female) • May 2, 2023

Totally out of my element here, neither male nor dominant and nowhere near being a "little" ----but there's one thing I want to weigh in on. Those "tests". They're designed mostly for fun. One can get some useful "feedback" from the results but I wouldn't recommend taking those damned things too seriously.

Other than that, as one or more of those replies above says, "strength is found in the willingness to realize, accept, and deal with weakness"

BikerWilly • May 3, 2023

Your concerns show you probably are a good Daddy now. I don't know about your little's communication, but the lg I had was an excellent communicator. If she was happy, I knew it! The same with excited, scared, nervous, sad, or any other emotion. She was my first sub, and I had no idea what was even going on, but I enjoyed her and that atmosphere a LOT. We started out as teenagers, and I was surprised to understand what we were doing was a fetish, when we were in our 20's. That's when I found out there was a name for this, and it was actually a fetish category.
She ranged between a puppy and a lg, and either of them were just fine with me when they manifested. I am a Dom, but I'm not a sadist, so gentle punishments were the norm, and plenty of comforting afterwards. Mostly she was naughty just to get attention, and she was successful. She got tucked in EVERY night, and expected it as a matter of course. When she was sad or nervous, she would cuddle on my lap, and sometimes cry, and got sympathy and attention and I listened to what made her feel that way. When she was upset she pouted, but even then I knew what was going on.
Lap time for her lasted even after we were divorced. I was highly complimented when she told me once "I LOVE lap time! I ALWAYS feel better after I talk with you!" I took that as evidence I was basically doing it right. (Even though I didn't know what "it" was!)
Someone above pointed out that you are worried about EXACTLY the right stuff, to be a good Daddy. They are right. Don't be unsure of yourself. Keep paying attention to the things you think are important right now, because I think you are basically on the right track. You just have to see how your relationship develops, and what the nuances are of handling her. These you can only learn over time, and by watching her responses and motivations.
All you can do is the best you can.

Azzabackam​(switch male)​{PawPawGirl} • May 4, 2023

As others have said, your self-awareness is a good sign that you're a good partner. People that just ignore their weaknesses will have them get worse, while someone like you who worries over them will actually work on strengthening them.

I also feel it's important to say that the test is more akin to a generalization, it's not the end all, be all of determining your role. Treat it with the same seriousness as you would treat a "Which Harry Potter House Would You Be In?" facebook tests.

As far as being strong when you need to be, keep in mind that very few people live their roles 24/7. A DD/lg relationship typically isn't exclusively that sole dynamic, as very few people are just a certain way and that's it. If you're in a dark place and need emotional support, it's not unreasonable to expect it from a partner, regardless of whether you're the Dominant or submissive partner.