TheiaBabii(sub female)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
Navigating your first release
I was recently and quite suddenly released by my Dom of over 2 and a half years. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know how to funtion right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Broken, T |
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Online now
Purĕ(sub female)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
*hugs
I was also dropped unexpected and out of the nowhere after a lil bit more than 2.5years,... So I'll take a right to say, I know exactly how You feel. a helpful advice ? I wish I could give You one. I felt lost for weeks.... month. The Control and Guidance was missing. Not sure how Your ending was and if he explained to You why. In my case, he didnt,... which left me broken and in question about everything. Try to focus on something that gives You joy. distraction. Be open to let new people make You feel good. It will get easier, but it won't ever get easy. |
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Heero(dom male)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
Re: Navigating your first release TheiaBabii wrote: I was recently and quite suddenly released by my Dom of over 2 and a half years. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know how to funtion right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi TheiaBabii,
Broken, T Very sorry to hear about your ending dynamic, and the chaos it is causing you. As Pure hinted at, moving on does somewhat depend on how much closer you got. Without knowing the reason, or whether or not you know the reason--and indeed, not knowing you very well--I cannot really say for sure how to move on. But some general things I would say are the following: 1. Pure touched on this also. It won't be easy. You just have to know this and expect it. Don't expect to feel better quickly or get over things quickly. Let things run their course (within reason). If the dynamic was of great value to you, it will sting for a while (perhaps forever, though not as badly as time goes on). Give yourself grace. And don't beat yourself up for how weak or messed up you feel. Do not wallow forever, however. But just expect things to suck for a while. This is normal, and you will be fine. 2. Whether or not you got closure, do not try to understand. A lot of people get caught up in the "why?" and torture themselves with trying to fully understand the decisions/feelings of the other person. Move on to accepting and not needing to understand. This is a bit easier said than done. Without knowing you very well, it is hard to say how to do this. But the point is, always be aware of when your mind is seeking to "understand", and stop it in its tracks. It is not helpful, and will only prolong suffering needlessly. Many people do not realize this, but closure is something you can give yourself. Item 5 will help with this also. 3. Remember the good times and the lessons you learned. You were in the dynamic for a while, and obviously you valued it and grew from it. Be sure to keep this growth, and do not lose the strong person you have become. Some things should be maintained. 4. This is somewhat connected to item 3. You admit to not being able to function, and you're probably feeling very lost right now. But, extending the principle from 3 can do a lot. Continue to do the things from your dynamic that were beneficial to you and responsible for most of your growth. In a dynamic, your Dom would likely have made you do things for their pleasure at some point, and that's fine. But a Dom that really cares about you would have instituted things for your benefit as well, whether or not it benefitted them or fed a kink of theirs. For example, your Dom may have instituted rules about getting a certain amount of hydration during the day, or an exercise routine, or a reading habit, or a schedule that set aside time for a hobby or such. Keep such rules and drop the rules that were directly related to the Dom. There are times a rule was dependent on a Dom's input. For these, just try to do your best to model the average response. That is, let's say there was a rule that you can't have sweets unless it was approved by your Dom because they wanted to manage your sweet tooth and make you healthier. Then you would think, on average, how often when I ask for sweets would my Dom have said yes? What are the situations where they would have said yes? Was it allowed an average of 3 times every two weeks? Was it only granted if you earned it in some way? Then you would try not to eat sweets more than 3 times every two weeks, and do something to "earn it" when you do. This might be hard to do at first. But knowing yourself, use what you can that will get you moving (I would like to point out that I didn't say "motivated", I said "get moving"--they're different). An accountability buddy or something might be useful here, depending on the person. 5. Piggybacking on a principle from 4: practice mindfulness. This is like meditation of something. Essentially, you're using a physical action to steady the mind. This is why keeping up with habits in 3 and 4 are important. By keeping your body running on some sort of routine, it will keep your mind from spiralling too much. Eventually it will start to settle at its equilibrium again, sooner rather than later. Mind and body work hand in hand, you can often affect the body by affecting the mind, and vice versa. So when you're overtaken by sadness or a feeling of loss and it becomes overwhelming, the trick is to engage your body. Exercising, doing some routine, meditating, etc. When the mind is in trouble, focus on maintaining the body, and vice versa. Be aware that change won't happen right away. But these principles are solid, so stick with them. For instance, if you've never meditated before, you won't notice how helpful it is the first 1, 2, or 10 times you do it. But it will eventually help. So be patient and consistent. It will feel very easy to just slip into a depressed complacency. Don't. Try to get a very basic structure going for yourself, based on the parts of the structure of your dynamic that were helpful to you. If you find another Dom at some point, they can take over from there. 6. Mind your emotions directly. Talk to friends, hang out, do things you enjoy and make you feel happy. Talk to a therapist. You will feel sad, but don't "accept" being sad. Yes, you will have valid feelings, but you must understand that feelings are not static and do not constitute reality (the saying "your feelings are valid" is often misunderstood by people, but that's a topic for another post), and you must make an active effort to stare your feelings/emotions to a more beneficial place. Think fake it till you make it. Woke up feeling sad? Get out and go do something you would do if you were feeling happy anyway. The positive associations will combat the sadness. Again, patience and consistency. And again, give yourself grace. If you try to do something "happy" and you end up feeling sad and breaking into tears because it brought up a past memory. It is fine. Do not beat yourself up over it. Continue to be consistent in giving your body and mind what they need, even if they don't accept it right away. They will eventually. I think that's all I can say at this point without knowing more. Good luck with everything. |
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calem(switch female)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
Re: Navigating your first release Heero wrote: TheiaBabii wrote: I was recently and quite suddenly released by my Dom of over 2 and a half years. I'm embarrassed to admit I don't know how to funtion right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi TheiaBabii,
Broken, T Very sorry to hear about your ending dynamic, and the chaos it is causing you. As Pure hinted at, moving on does somewhat depend on how much closer you got. Without knowing the reason, or whether or not you know the reason--and indeed, not knowing you very well--I cannot really say for sure how to move on. But some general things I would say are the following: 1. Pure touched on this also. It won't be easy. You just have to know this and expect it. Don't expect to feel better quickly or get over things quickly. Let things run their course (within reason). If the dynamic was of great value to you, it will sting for a while (perhaps forever, though not as badly as time goes on). Give yourself grace. And don't beat yourself up for how weak or messed up you feel. Do not wallow forever, however. But just expect things to suck for a while. This is normal, and you will be fine. 2. Whether or not you got closure, do not try to understand. A lot of people get caught up in the "why?" and torture themselves with trying to fully understand the decisions/feelings of the other person. Move on to accepting and not needing to understand. This is a bit easier said than done. Without knowing you very well, it is hard to say how to do this. But the point is, always be aware of when your mind is seeking to "understand", and stop it in its tracks. It is not helpful, and will only prolong suffering needlessly. Many people do not realize this, but closure is something you can give yourself. Item 5 will help with this also. 3. Remember the good times and the lessons you learned. You were in the dynamic for a while, and obviously you valued it and grew from it. Be sure to keep this growth, and do not lose the strong person you have become. Some things should be maintained. 4. This is somewhat connected to item 3. You admit to not being able to function, and you're probably feeling very lost right now. But, extending the principle from 3 can do a lot. Continue to do the things from your dynamic that were beneficial to you and responsible for most of your growth. In a dynamic, your Dom would likely have made you do things for their pleasure at some point, and that's fine. But a Dom that really cares about you would have instituted things for your benefit as well, whether or not it benefitted them or fed a kink of theirs. For example, your Dom may have instituted rules about getting a certain amount of hydration during the day, or an exercise routine, or a reading habit, or a schedule that set aside time for a hobby or such. Keep such rules and drop the rules that were directly related to the Dom. There are times a rule was dependent on a Dom's input. For these, just try to do your best to model the average response. That is, let's say there was a rule that you can't have sweets unless it was approved by your Dom because they wanted to manage your sweet tooth and make you healthier. Then you would think, on average, how often when I ask for sweets would my Dom have said yes? What are the situations where they would have said yes? Was it allowed an average of 3 times every two weeks? Was it only granted if you earned it in some way? Then you would try not to eat sweets more than 3 times every two weeks, and do something to "earn it" when you do. This might be hard to do at first. But knowing yourself, use what you can that will get you moving (I would like to point out that I didn't say "motivated", I said "get moving"--they're different). An accountability buddy or something might be useful here, depending on the person. 5. Piggybacking on a principle from 4: practice mindfulness. This is like meditation of something. Essentially, you're using a physical action to steady the mind. This is why keeping up with habits in 3 and 4 are important. By keeping your body running on some sort of routine, it will keep your mind from spiralling too much. Eventually it will start to settle at its equilibrium again, sooner rather than later. Mind and body work hand in hand, you can often affect the body by affecting the mind, and vice versa. So when you're overtaken by sadness or a feeling of loss and it becomes overwhelming, the trick is to engage your body. Exercising, doing some routine, meditating, etc. When the mind is in trouble, focus on maintaining the body, and vice versa. Be aware that change won't happen right away. But these principles are solid, so stick with them. For instance, if you've never meditated before, you won't notice how helpful it is the first 1, 2, or 10 times you do it. But it will eventually help. So be patient and consistent. It will feel very easy to just slip into a depressed complacency. Don't. Try to get a very basic structure going for yourself, based on the parts of the structure of your dynamic that were helpful to you. If you find another Dom at some point, they can take over from there. 6. Mind your emotions directly. Talk to friends, hang out, do things you enjoy and make you feel happy. Talk to a therapist. You will feel sad, but don't "accept" being sad. Yes, you will have valid feelings, but you must understand that feelings are not static and do not constitute reality (the saying "your feelings are valid" is often misunderstood by people, but that's a topic for another post), and you must make an active effort to stare your feelings/emotions to a more beneficial place. Think fake it till you make it. Woke up feeling sad? Get out and go do something you would do if you were feeling happy anyway. The positive associations will combat the sadness. Again, patience and consistency. And again, give yourself grace. If you try to do something "happy" and you end up feeling sad and breaking into tears because it brought up a past memory. It is fine. Do not beat yourself up over it. Continue to be consistent in giving your body and mind what they need, even if they don't accept it right away. They will eventually. I think that's all I can say at this point without knowing more. Good luck with everything. |
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Miki(masochist female)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
No big list from me. I never was in a dynamic, I never was inclined to do that for reasons other than what you went through.
By nature, a sub in a full-on BDSM dynamic always has the potential to find themselves in your shoes. The best thing is to keep / cultivate external friendships-- a support network of sorts. Now this doesn't mean go in assuming you'll get kicked to the curb, but rather that you understand this kind of shit can go with the territory and it's best to have people "not in the business" who can just be around so you do not feel so lost or worse, fall into depression. All relationships carry the risk of ending. Twisted or ordinary. It is always best to have a life outside the dynamic. I might add similar feelings of loss can happen to dumped dominants. By nature they may seem better equipped to handle the departure of a sub who either wanders off to "find themselves and the meaning of life" --- or slithers her way into the arms of a dastardly dom who has no problem breaking the unwritten "rule" about that, and doesn't hesitate to be a sub-stealer. It happens, and dominants hurt, too. But--- Same shit, different crapper but same suggestion. Don't let the dynamic be the whole world. That's what I think anyway. |
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Heero(dom male)
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1 year ago •
May 4, 2023
Miki wrote: No big list from me. I never was in a dynamic, I never was inclined to do that for reasons other than what you went through.
Indeed, a support network is huge. I had a lot to get into and couldn't emphasize it more in my writing. But yes!
By nature, a sub in a full-on BDSM dynamic always has the potential to find themselves in your shoes. The best thing is to keep / cultivate external friendships-- a support network of sorts. Now this doesn't mean go in assuming you'll get kicked to the curb, but rather that you understand this kind of shit can go with the territory and it's best to have people "not in the business" who can just be around so you do not feel so lost or worse, fall into depression. All relationships carry the risk of ending. Twisted or ordinary. It is always best to have a life outside the dynamic. I might add similar feelings of loss can happen to dumped dominants. By nature they may seem better equipped to handle the departure of a sub who either wanders off to "find themselves and the meaning of life" --- or slithers her way into the arms of a dastardly dom who has no problem breaking the unwritten "rule" about that, and doesn't hesitate to be a sub-stealer. It happens, and dominants hurt, too. But--- Same shit, different crapper but same suggestion. Don't let the dynamic be the whole world. That's what I think anyway. Also, side note: a Dom...or sub or anyone that discourages you from having a support group outside of them is showing a huge red flag. And yes, getting dumped as a Dom sucks too. It's a different kind of pain though. We'll wait for the relevant post to get into that one! |
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