My ex revealed his kink to me and I don't know what to do

My ex revealed his kink to me and I don't know what to

IDKwhatimdoinghere​(switch female) • Jan 17, 2024

This is a warning: this isn't just about the kink, it's also about the emotional stress.

Just some background before I get started:

My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a year before he revealed to me that he was getting deployed. Originally I was okay with this kind of breakup, I just struggled with the fact that we both care about and love each other very much. I won't say I didn't suffer greatly at first. I didn't eat or drink for days because I also had this thought going through my head that he might die out there and I might never see him again. I cried for the first few weeks of it and finally decided to get over it and move forward, but know I still love him dearly. I am the kind of person who was raised to do almost everything for my significant other and I love him very dearly, so I was prepared for pretty much any sacrifice I had to make. He was amazing. I always look for that protectiveness and tenderheartedness in the guys I date and he had everything I ever wanted. He looked out for me, he made sure I knew that he was willing to do pretty much anything to anyone who hurt me, and he always tried to find ways to comfort me. Another thing you have to note, I am well aware we are both decently young, but we are also both tied down by jobs that can become a problem for finding s/os in the future. When we first started dating, he was enlisted and I was on the road to becoming enlisted after we broke up. Now, if you don't know already, the whole stereotype of military kids wanting to get married early in life, it's entirely true.

Now that you kind of understand the basics of our relationship, here's what happened:

We stayed in contact after the breakup because he knew that I didn't want to get married so soon into our relationship. I'm a pretty traditional woman. I wanted to be with him for about 2 years before I got married to him. That way I knew all his flaws before I committed. We occasionally had conversations where we would just check in on each other. He knew I decided to enlist about a month after I started talking to recruiters. As I said before, I usually am ready to sacrifice a lot for my s/os and I make that known. I was fully ready to make it known that I was willing to do everything for him. By everything, I meant that if he needed me, I would find ways to get to him and make sure he got what he needed, take care of him in sickness and in health, be the woman who bares his children, and be the woman he spends the rest of his life with kind of things. Us against the world, and despite our arguments and flaws, we would push forward together. Little did I know what was in store for me.
I was texting him one day, saying how he was everything to me and I was ready to do everything for him (yes, I'm a romantic). I told him that I'd be willing to sacrifice a lot for him and commit to things I normally wouldn't. I trust him, regardless of what he's told me. He's always taken care of me and he was always willing to compromise. No matter what he's into, I will still defend him and care about him. He said that he wasn't sure if what I said was true and proceeded to tell me about what he was actually into. He wanted this relationship to the kind to be run based on his "masculinity". Let me elaborate. He wanted to marry me, but also have submissive women on the side so he could use them as sex toys and they would sit under me. He wanted it so I was his right-hand woman, there for him emotionally no matter what, and was there to be the first to bare his children, but also have other women as a "cum dump". Another thing he wanted was to have some sort of "breeding party" where multiple men would release inside of ME to see if his sperm was superior to others. I genuinely got a little sick to my stomach. Usually, I'm pretty chill with whatever. People can do what they want. But I am also a very selfish person. I don't like sharing my man. I also don't like to be shared. I don't have a good history with these things. I was SA-d when I was younger. Don't get it twisted, he gave me a choice to say whether I wanted to do this or not. He made sure I knew that he still cared, asked me what I thought, and asked me to carefully consider it because he knows what I've been through. I told him that I wasn't saying no, I just wanted to process and try and understand what the fuck I just read. I didn't kink shame him, but I will say I am shocked. I thought he was a pretty great guy, but all this sounds like to me is an excuse to cheat. He made it clear to me that he would just be using the other girls and that I would also be in charge of them. He also made it clear that I would be the only girl who was emotionally available to him. I would also be the first one he impregnated. He compared this to a lion's pride and he also said he was a type A alpha, animalistic, and dominant. I will admit he is dominant, but I believe calling yourself an alpha means you are pretending and aren't one. What makes this slightly more shocking would be the fact that he also brought up a girl I knew and said she could be taught a lesson for some of the shitty things she's said to me and that I would be above her.

In the end, I told him that I was okay with considering it if it made him happy. I'm still not sure if I want to do it and I have no idea what to say to him because now I lost some respect for him. I truly care about him and I know he cares about me too. He has given me plenty of time to think about it and said that if I had just blatantly said no, he would've accepted it, but I'm not even sure what to say. I mostly said I was willing to consider it because most of my previous relationships would constantly come to an end if I didn't commit to what they wanted. I know he isn't like that, but I always get nervous around that stuff. I never really went outside my box with him because I trusted him with everything. The truth behind my feelings is that, first, it made me feel insignificant. He told me that just me was enough and he is okay with it just being me, but some parts of me still wonder if I was ever enough for him. Second, I am not sure I can trust anyone in the bedroom besides one person. I cannot monitor more than one person and I sure as hell cannot if it's a bunch of dudes. I also have not been able to fully move forward from my past yet. Third, I want to be with him, but I'm wondering if my not being willing to go through with this would be a problem. Would it cause a rift in our relationship in the future? Fourth, if I don't agree, would he cheat on me? Is my body and being enough for him? I will say this again, it isn't like he ever said I wasn't enough. He just said that this is what he wanted sexually. He made it known that he cares and he's willing to put all of that away if I ask him to. I'm just worried that if he does that it would cause problems for us in the future.

I also have not told him how I felt when we first broke up or about any of my thoughts on this. I genuinely do not know how to approach this at all. I was told that I should always be willing to try new things because you never know if you'll like it. I thought maybe I could be willing, but I am not sure how it would affect me emotionally.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jan 17, 2024

First, not everyone is cut out for a polyamorous dynamic and this is OKAY. It has nothing to do with you being selfish, or not open minded enough. Some people are just not cut out for it. You really do have to keep on top of a lot of things and it's exhausting af trying to keep track of people!

But what is being suggested here is different, and you are coming at this from a background of trauma, from a place where you do not feel as if your choices are respected. It also seems that you're worried that your failure to comply will lead your partner/dominant to do whatever he wants to do anyway. Which is NOT how you want to start a poly dynamic.

The first thing I would recommend is to seek counseling for your childhood trauma if you haven't already. You may have lingering issues that have persisted into adulthood; this isn't a bad thing, this isn't a judgment. Sometimes our partners want things that we can't provide, and that is OK! I've been happily partnered for almost 20 years with a dominant man, we each have our fun and love and respect one another's choices. I can't be a submissive woman, and he can't be a submissive man - other than that we are the perfect match for one another in every way.

But if we hadn't been able to communicate our needs, come to an agreement, we wouldn't have been able to last this long.

When we have trauma, especially in childhood, it skews our ability to attach to others in healthy ways. It makes us doubt our value, it puts us in states of confusion and fear over things that might rock a "regular" person a bit but really knock the shit out of someone with that kind of background. I don't know any woman, even a poly-woman that enjoys orgies, that wouldn't be given pause if her husband asked her to be gangbanged by a bunch of randos to impregnation. This is not a kink or a fantasy, this is real life and will affect you, him and possibly another for the rest of their life too!

If this feels wrong to you, don't go along with it because you're worried this is the best you can do. Because it's not, it's really not. If you were down to clown, down to be the bottom bitch of a large harem, that's one thing. But it sounds like you want to be in a traditional MLR, and there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to decide anything right now, you do have time. It's okay to take a breath and figure out if THIS is something you want, or if this is just something you're doing to get yourself closer to what you actually want.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 17, 2024

I had to skim all that, but I get the general idea. You said "ex". You don't have to do anything really. He is an "ex" for a reason.

Again, I only skimmed that wall of text, (those screw up my eyes)----so I might have missed something.

IDKwhatimdoinghere​(switch female) • Jan 17, 2024

No worries. We broke up due to him being deployed and me not wanting to get married yet. There's more behind that, but that's the general gist of what happened.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Jan 17, 2024

I know you have deep feelings for him. And yes as you point out you are very young. But even when you grow older, decades from now, you'll have the same feelings when someone strikes that cord inside you. The feeling that you'll be lost without that specific individual. You feel you resonate with them on infinite levels. But the ladies are correct above - not everyone is cut out for the poly and just as important, you have to be you. He may be many great things, but he also has some intense desires that don't seem to be for you. Some of his desires would be a hard pass for almost anyone.

I recommend listening to the advice above and considering perhaps taking time away from him to find your path. And don't settle for less than you deserve. Don't take on lifestyles or kinks that don't fit with you. I know it may not feel like it now, but as you grow, you'll find others who fit you better.

All the best!
LL

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Jan 17, 2024

aradialspire's advice is very sage, I'd take that. In addition though, polyamorous gangbanging with a hierarchy and a self-proclaimed alpha male situationship is not something for "on the fence"-ing about. The sane people involved in stuff like that usually are pretty confident they're interested from the beginning lol

Jersey Firewalker​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2024

After reading your post, I would say that you made the right decision by breaking up with him. I'm ex-military myself and I've seen a lot of guys use "deployment" as an excuse for acting like a total asshole. You're better than that.

What he wants is to be like Elvis. He wants his "wife" to be the mother of his children, and his property, and for her to worship him without regard to her thoughts and feelings. He also wants to be surrounded by willing women who will fuck him as much as he wants. Naturally, he wants his "wife" to put up with this nonsense without complaining and to meet his needs without regard to her own needs. Am I just about right here?

You can live without this. Find yourself a real alpha man who will treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Just my opinion...

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jan 19, 2024

Tbh, it sounds like your ex is a raging nutball. Superior sperm? Really? That fucking hilarious!

What was he going to do if he found out his jizz was the slow swimmer? He would have dumped to the road and moved on to the next woman and tried the same cock and bull story on them.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jan 19, 2024

i think you've gotten some great input here. i also suspect you derived something just by writing it down, sort of like journaling. It can really help put things in order to write it down.

To me, you have a lot on the ball, a lot more than i did at age 19. For instance, i think it's really wise that you want to be with a person for a couple of years before entering into a marriage contract. At 19, you likely have most of your life ahead of you. The things you write about have long term consequences. Once you get pregnant and have children, your life and responsibilities change dramatically. You cannot unmake or divorce a kid, they are yours for life. Personally, i think it's a good idea to experience as much life as you can prior to having kids, but that's just me.

my read is you are ambivalent, i.e., you have mixed thoughts and feelings, but again... you seem to have done a good job identifying them. i believe those conflicts should be resolved before making a commitment. i think we often make decisions based on what we want, hoping those issues will resolve on their own... but they rarely, if ever do. Instead, they infect the relationship and often kill it once the 'infection' sets in and runs its course.

i agree with aradialspire re the trauma counseling. PTSD is a real thing and having someone professionally trained to walk you through it can save you a lot of pain later on. The effects of trauma don't just go away on their own, they are still there, even when buried or compartmentalized out of sight. i'd suggest you will be better off opening to someone trained to deal with trauma and getting healing so you can move forward equipped.

IDKwhatimdoinghere​(switch female) • Jan 22, 2024

Hi all, this is an update to anyone who wants to follow along with this because it seems like a few of you are quite interested.

I have decided not to follow through. I will tell him how I truly feel about what he’s said and be brutally honest with him, and if he cannot take that, I will be breaking up with him. I chose to continue the relationship if he is willing to understand. However, I will be cautious moving forward. I find it quite degrading of him to think so low of me and even if I like it occasionally, I do not like that in a serious 1 on 1 relationship.