Outside the bedroom

Outside the bedroom

iriss​(sub female) • Feb 1, 2024

Hello everyone!

I would really appreciate your advice, so please feel free to reply. Thank you!

I'm submissive and have been in a 3-year-long relationship with my boyfriend. Although we don't live together, we spend a lot of time together. He's dominant in the bedroom, and our kinks match, which is great! Occasionally, he's also dominant outside the bedroom, but it's not nearly enough for me.

We've tried establishing rules before, but life got in the way, and we fell back into a "bedroom-only" dynamic. I've expressed my need for structure and guidance, simple rules like bedtime, and he was initially willing. We added a few rules, but it fell apart again due to individual life problems.

I'm happy with our lives, but I feel a need for him to be my dominant mentally, not just sexually. We talked about it a lot of times and we both want it, but somehow, we struggle to maintain it consistently. Breaking rules is a challenge when we're not together, and he's unsure how to handle it without immediate consequences...

Any advice on making this work for couples living separately? Ideas for punishments without physical presence? Your insights would be appreciated. Thank you!

bdsamworld • Feb 2, 2024

I believe it was Neil Strauss who said "Unspoke expectations are premeditated resentments." If you aren't honest with your partner about what you "expect" out of the dynamic and your partner, it can become resentment and interfere with a healthy connection or growth. With that said, you could have what you feel are the most fireproof or waterproof plans, but fires and floods will still happen. Even in 24/7 dynamics, things happen. And just like with any relationship when life gets in the way, there are ways to get back to the mindset. One of the biggest things I find is that during the "storm," people tend to lose connection and stop communicating.

After the dust settles, take time to come back together. Something as simple as a night out, dinner, and a fun activity or even a class on something you've both wanted to explore more. If you need something inside the home there are plenty of online classes or Youtube channels that offer some great information. I highly recommend XR University, but not the podcast for this type of thing. They have an online "show" where for the first 20 minutes or so you can learn some fun things and for the last 20 minutes it's porn. Whatever you do just bring that connection back together. Make sure to communicate before, during, and after.

Now, just because fires and floods do happen, doesn't mean you can't prepare for them. Two ways to accomplish this is by having something to bring you mentally back into the submissive headspace. Mantras work great for this. On the days when I was exhausted from being busy with life, I appreciated having a mantra to recite to bring me back. With some partners, it was a simple three-line mantra. Others were longer. Whatever works for you and your partner. One of the most helpful things a previous partner had me do was recite it when I was stressed and continue reciting it until the stress was more manageable. You can recite it at any time.

This next part is EXTRA because I'm an organization fanatic. I created (with partner) a spreadsheet of tasks, funishments, and punishments. My partner was able to just go to the spreadsheet and select a task or punishment. It'd either be via text or e-mail. Gmail is great because you can schedule send the e-mail with the task far in advance, or the night before. For punishments it was fun, yet "cruel" when my partner would have me choose a punishment from the list. He'd choose the parameters though (the when, where, and how many).

My last bit of advice is just to enjoy it. Don't put any pressure on the feeling of being in the mindset 24/7. Enjoy each other.

Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} • Feb 2, 2024

My advice is to look into some "outside" help like an app or whatnot. My Daddy and I tried "Obedience" app when W/we first got back together - it's a great free app and if you're willing to pay (it is extremely inexpensive) it's worth it. I highly recommend it.

Sometimes we ALL need help to stay on par, and this app is D/s designed. It helps to keep both the D and s accountable, and can be really fun too. It takes over the life moments we may not have control of, and keeps us accountable as a D/s couple. W/we stopped using it after about 6 months because W/we had established a routine and structure, but it was paramount getting U/us through those 6 months not living close or together.

I hope that helps and wishing you all the best!

iriss​(sub female) • Feb 2, 2024

Thank you both bdsamworld and Morley for your advice! I really appreciate it.
What bdsamworld said is all true, we can't put pressure on it and we should enjoy it, otherwise it won't work. I guess we just find it challenging to stay on that path all the time.
Thanks again!

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Feb 2, 2024

I second the Obedience app. My Daddy and I use the same app, we paid for the full version. It's helpful for us. We can have all our dynamic building things in there. We can make a schedule and then I can tick things off as I go about the day, it gives me point and then he has rewards listed that I can then buy with the points. We put our punishments and expectations in there, notes, everything. It's pretty handy having it all in the same place. Might be helpful if you two are having trouble enforcing things. You can make up all the rules and tasks and schedules and whatnot together and then you'd be responsible for doing those things and checking it off for points. Then you and him can come together while you pick rewards or something.

Best of luck to you two!

iriss​(sub female) • Feb 2, 2024

Thank you very much Estaria!!! I already searched that app and showed it to my boyfriend and he loved it! So yeah, thanks!

Miki • Feb 18, 2024

I'll dig this up from Page 2 as it might not have gotten enough attention--- Or maybe it did but I'll add what I usually add to such situations.

3 years in, not a long time but not "something new and shiny"--- I'll assume you brought this up to the dude in conversation. If so, and he still resists dominating outside of the boudoir or the house-- Especially in cases of the latter, it could be either or both of two things. Either he's not sliced from that wheel of cheese nd it's not in him to do as you wish regarding external domination tendencies or more importantly--- you can't do that anymore in public. For a man to act in such a manner will earn him nothing but vitriol, expressed or implied, from the more liberated and modern women out there, as well as a few "enlightened" men who are all hip with today's societal norms. You'd get some flak as well for "encouraging a misogyst" or beng an uninformed woman.

But to both possibilities--- let it go if you have spoken of it and he still hesitates.

"It's No Good if You Gotta Force It."

...and that'll be your next assignment, whether or not you can accept it and continue the relationship or try to find a more hairy savage to do all that external stuff.


Also "mental domination" again could be a line he does not want to cross out of respect for women, respect for you.

When I was active as a sexual masochist, I didn't put up with mind games. One's mind is a tricky place and farting around with a mind can lead to subtle but nasty results. Not always but the potential is there.