Conversing between the sexes

Conversing between the sexes

chattel​(sub female) • Mar 1, 2024

Do men, whatever their role on the lifestyle have a harder time expressing what they want in a BDSM relationship than men in vanilla relationships?

If you think so why would that be?

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2024

Good question. I am going to view your question from the perspective of a starting relationship: A man meeting a woman or prospective partner and starting dialogue towards a relationship.

It depends entirely on the relationship and the individual man. In my opinion, it should be easier. We (I mean the community) pride ourselves on honest, transparent relationships and discussions. (Obviously that isn't always the case) We've already admitted we are kinky simply by being here, so expressing desires should be easy knowing anyone we are talking to also admits they are here for "similar" reasons in one form or another.

However, in many vanilla relationships built upon a mutual foundation and common ground (ie. the individuals share a common aspect in their core being - might be religion, might be sports, might be military member and spouse) they maintain constant and open communication developed at the onset. They share many of the same qualities of a BDSM relationship with regards to communication, however, they just don't give it a name.

If it is hard to express ourselves here, then we are still caught with one foot in the "vanilla" world, worried how others will view our deeper, darker desires. I assume some are worried about judgment.

Good question.

chattel​(sub female) • Mar 1, 2024

Summing up what you said, should be easier but isn't always or even often because of fear of judgemental responses.

Basically what I have come to believe is mostly the case.

CageOwner​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2024

I don’t think it is the case.

Or let’s clarify: I don’t think it’s gender-specifically the case.

However if vanilla-desires of going for walks and holding hands with some sex in missionary position might be easier to express than the desire to live blindfolded in a cage or get your feet licked.

So in my opinion it’s lifestyle specific not gender specific.

TNS​(dom male){TSS} • Mar 2, 2024

I honestly think we do and we don’t.( I don’t think it’s a gender thing) As a kinker we are brought to a world of endless possibilities and no matter what we come in with preconceived notions about the life and what we want. Whether it be from film( adult and other) novels or our imagination. We crave more a deeper connection to our bodies service or use.

As time goes on and we try things(kinks events dynamics etc.) our outlook changes things we thought we liked we . things we thought we hate we enjoy( or confirm we hate) things we thought we needed we find we don’t and things we never knew about we found we want. Life evolves we do too. 10 years ago I would have told you I don’t like half the stuff I do and wanted something completely different than what I have.


Now for the vanillla part. A partnership takes on its own dynamic it’s just not verbalized or as thought out as much as kink is. It’s mostly. You cook I clean I work you work(or stay home) what ever it is to make their relationship work. That being said they don’t have to consider the 80+ other things a kink dynamic may have. Sex is a great example some couples are ok with having it 1 a year month week etc and it’s the same position and time. It’s boring for us but content for them they don’t need to dive further down their deprived minds to get the euphoria that we need. So it is easier for them to tell us what they want and need.

Long story short
Vanilla is like a highway straight with very few ones and off turns and bends

Kink is like the back road bendy and winding with sharp corners and jagged cliffs that you can fall off of at any moment if you and your partner/s don’t constantly communicate

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Mar 2, 2024

Men don't know how to approach, vanilla or kink

TwinkleEyes • Mar 2, 2024

I feel that being able to communicate what one wants and needs is the understanding and acceptance of ourselves. Then being honest with ourselves and others. I’ve found that some men aren’t emotionally ready for a commitment yet they are horny.

Education, effort, time, and consistency in the communication after that. Not everyone is dedicated to the same type of dynamic we ourselves are. This will affect communication.

Communication is directly affected by our upbringing, belief, systems, emotional intelligence, fears, culture, confidence, what we really want out of a dynamic, personal honesty, and integrity.

Personally, I have found being online for communication is a stumbling block. Because the written word or words we say are a small portion of communication. Fluctuations in voice, tone, body language, and so on are better cues of communication for me.

lambsone • Mar 2, 2024

Over the years I've found that some men are like rivers flowing freely and others like sealed jars of treasure.

I don't believe that this is life-style related as I find the same thing whether kink or vanilla. I think it's more personality related.

Steellover​(sub male) • Mar 2, 2024

I do worry a lot about judgement and shame, and yes, I have even encountered it on this site. I think for some people it is hard not to judge, if their kink activities are opposite of others. What turns one person on, may be repulsive, (or "Cringy" is the word I've heard used on here,) to someone else.

But, with that said, my main point here is, as submissives, there can be a line between "expressing what we want in a relationship" and "Topping from the Bottom." We subs think we are doing the former, but get accused of doing the latter. So there is that balance; submissives are supposed to be submissive, give up control, do what we are told, take what we are given, and when we stand up and say, "not into that," then we get accused of not being "True" enough" or, as the statement goes, "Topping from the bottom." So I think communication is actually much more difficult in a D/S relationship than a vanilla one.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Mar 3, 2024

Not me, but it has been some time since I have tried to communicate in a vanilla sense.