Looking for some direction for self-understanding

Looking for some direction for self-understanding

cometjo • Mar 16, 2024

I apologize if I am going about this the wrong way but, I'm really in need of some self-understanding and have hit a wall on what direction to take.

I am a 45-year-old straight (but with bisexual experience) male. I have lived a long hard life suffering from alcoholism and mental health issues. Most people who have known me would describe me as an under achiever. On the other hand, I've lived all over North America, often without a cent to my name, and was involved in political activism often being favored in facilitation and leadership roles.

A dozen years ago or so; I had moved to a new city, I wasn't working but was trying to stay sober (mostly successfully) and was trying to deal with personal stuff. I had no knowledge of BDSM other than the imagery a Google search would bring up. A good friend of mine took me to visit a friend of hers and her, what I initially thought, boyfriend. Very shortly into our stay, the woman got up and said that she needed to be tied up. The couple left and the guy came back and filled me in a bit on what a D/s relationship was. After not long, the submissive came back and, after asking permission from the dominant, told me that she got tied up because she wanted to be dominated by me. The four of us got into a conversation of which I mostly don't recall, but any time the submissive spoke and I looked at her she would freeze up and in the end, there was a constant back and forth, regardless of whether she spoke, between us. I was oblivious (this happens to me!) to how this was affecting the dominant and my friend had to drag me out of the place. On the way out the submissive came out and tried to arrange to show me how this stuff works in the future, but I was fearful, confused, and in some sort of denial.

Not long after, the same friend and I walked into some people on the street and I guess a similar episode ensued. My perspective at the time was 'Why whenever I look in her direction is she staring at me like that, what is going on here?' My friend was really upset afterwards until she realized as she said 'You have no idea what you are doing!' There was a party sometime thereafter, where my friend went and advised an approaching couple that there might be problems if they stayed and yet another situation, much later on I think, where I'm pretty sure I was being tested (I guess to see if I was doing this intentionally).

I hit some very dark times over the next handful of years, I had moved cities yet again and fell into very heavy drinking for a few years and, I guess, totally blocked out the above experiences. Two months ago I would have said I don't know anything about BDSM, I think I lean towards being submissive! I have been sober now for 8 years and living stably in the same city for 6 of those.

I recently began what I thought was an innocent friendship (though flirty at times) with a woman online. It came out that she was in D/s relationships and was often getting tied up because of our interactions. Thus began the resurfacing of the above events. I have since exited the situation, and have been reading about BDSM, though more for understanding than wanting to get involved (I'm not necessarily opposed either). I've been trying to find books outside of BDSM to help approach this, but I'm totally at a loss. I've also sought advice from some norms and they have no idea what I am talking about. Any advice within or without?

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Mar 16, 2024

Hey to a fellow Canadian and welcome !

I'm unsure what you are asking. Are you just looking to learn more about this lifestyle and where or how you fit in? Theres an online bdsm test that you can do and start from there.

Do you feel you are in a good place with your sobriety and ready to explore a dynamic? Take care of yourself first!

cometjo • Mar 17, 2024

I am solid in my sobriety. But there is still healing and self-work to be done, for sure.

I think first and foremost I would like to understand what this dynamic is in myself that keeps on attracting these situations. Or, what enabled me to subconsciously take control from an experienced dominant. If nothing else, I would like to be able to go to a gathering or party and not have to fear messing up any couples' dynamics. Similarly, say I were to play dominant in some relationships, would this help me to gain better control in regards to messing with others' dynamics, or would it just exacerbate it further? Or is this just a thing, where you have to be careful with dominants in the same space?— I still haven't gotten very far in my reading/learning.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 17, 2024

She's right. Take care of yourself first.

You write that you're 8 years into sobriety-- a great foundation as long as you know it really is but one day at a time and while your body appreciates the absence of that stuff this long, the mind can easily backslide if not kept in check.

It's OK to learn about this crap and how you fit in, but as the previous experience with Tie Me gal was from your personal days of wine and roses, it might be best to keep it at arm's length while you get further into your sober journey and stable living, and stop if it makes you think too much of "the old days". Your body appreciates the 8 year absence of swill, but the mind-- still functions one day at a time.


Oh... Asking non-BDSM people about BDSM can kind of compare to asking a bull about milk. Outside-looking-in, like the creators of "50 Shades"-- a film I don't really intend to watch but have read about it--- written with a myopic view of living in BDSM dynamics. You might, at best, get "clinical observations" at worst, a totally wrong take on this shit. Best to, as snowminx said, take the kink test (sound advice from me, one who never took it) and converse with open minded dominants and even off duty subs about their experiences.

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IDK if all this was of any use, but I replied primarily to encourage you to put sobriety and stability ahead of all else and only consider learning about BDSM when safe to do so------ and don't ask square pegs how to fit in round holes.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 17, 2024

NOTE: You posted a reply to Snowminx while I was writing the above, so I didn't see it until too late.

Anyway I can't really be of much help in the BDSM angle. While I am still of like mind and participate in places like this, I'm done with the physical aspects of BDSM.

Just congratulations on your 8 years sober and remember.. it's 8 years and one day. Never let the guard down. especially If previous BDSM dabbling was from "the old days" . I have known more guys than I can count over the years, some of whom also battled the bottle.. some with 20+ years in and to a man they list People Places and Things-- from the "old days"-- can be trouble.

Best of luck!!

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Mar 17, 2024

I think first you need to decide if you want to be a Dominant in a relationship, it comes with a lot of responsibility and is not really something to enter lightly. Is it a kink for you? Does it sound fulfilling? I think you also mentioned you feel submissive. I dont think you can "mess" with others dynamics accidentally. This lifestyle is very big on consent and you wouldnt really have any control over a submissive unless she chose to submit to you specifically. Its something that takes time and trust to build. Im not sure its subconsciously possible to take.control away from another Dom? The other thing is maybe you're just looking for sexual play which would be different. Unless you're in Toronto or Vancouver the party/meet-up possibilities are slight for us.