Petty

DigitalLupine​(sub male) • Jan 13, 2025

Based on what you've mentioned and other people on this forum chat have expanded upon. Something needs to give. It's something that is going to be hard one way or another.

Maybe I can share the reverse scenario with you?

I had a dynamic where the person was somewhat kinky and when the kink was en-force it felt great but the rest of the non-kink part of the life, I was putting in all the work. I was having to sacrifice alot to just get access to the kink. At a certain point the latter wasn't worth it (to keep it brief). I initiated a breakup.

It was one of the most painful, soul wrenching thing, I went between denial that it actually was happening to 'I'm perfectly fine' (I wasn't).

Just like setting a bone, sometimes the only way to stronger healed form is to break it _more_ now.

Do I advocate cheating or going behind another's back. I can't state either way because I don't know your situation, you or them enough to be able to effectively provide judgement or advice as a confidant.

I'm so sorry that you're having this shoved on your plate.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Jan 13, 2025

The last few lines say the world to me regarding your situation: "But I thought I’d try one more time to talk so sense into myself."

To this I would ask, if you are talking to yourself, are you truly listening? Or are you just speaking and ignoring yourself.

A long time ago I watched a movie "Educating Rita" starring Michael Caine. The essence of the movie, a young woman was seeking more in life and wound up leaving her husband and life behind to find happiness. In the end, she realized she didn't find a better life, just a different one. There is more to the movie and her journey, but overall it fits this situation (just no kink).

All in all, you're not in the worst situation ever, which is a good thing. You just need to have perspective. You're in a loving relationship with a man who is wiling to listen, which means although he might not need the "kink" or whatever to keep his life spicy, he can develop a rhythm to fulfill your needs as well as his own. As indicated above, the lifestyle is customizable. One size doesn't fit all - regardless of what the brochure may allude to. Perhaps to get back in the swing of things, the two of you make a list of what YOU might want to try and schedule a day a week or so to actually fit it in. (Thursday is generally a great option unless you're into Law and Order). But that might not be the first thing on your list to do to find you.

Great advice above to chat with others but the question I would pose to you is whether you have had a frank discussion with yourself. What do you find to be most rewarding or thrilling? Are you looking at the pictures (as you've indicated) and trying to fulfill your fantasies based upon what you see others doing? (This reminds me of those "Bake Fails" where people try to recreate some beautiful cake or design and it comes out looking like a third grader did it for their home economics course - as indicated above, some photos and videos are staged and performed by trained professionals so recreating them will have mixed results)>

Have you done a deep dive into your soul to determine what sparks your interests most? In your quest for kink, you might need to step back and focus on the areas that not only excite you most but fulfill you and bring you back to your center. And what about those areas causes you the most enjoyment (pleasure or pain, different sides of the same coin)?

You indicated that you and your husband had a Dom mentor, which is a great idea. In the dialogue you held with him, was he able to help you find your core being and what intrinsically made you feel you? I think we can all, as a fairly ribald group, look at various pictures and videos of kinky shenanigans and be titillated by them, but that doesn't mean they will fulfill our individual needs, nor that we necessarily wish to partake of them.

Back on point - before you can request your husband fulfill your needs, you might need to determine what they are. And if you don't fully know, work with him to figure them out. The journey is quite often the best part when done with a loving partner. But you have a good direction: Have a talk with yourself, not to talk sense to yourself but to help yourself make sense of who you are and what makes you tick.

And as indicated above, if not explicitly, implicitly, touch base with members of the community. There are several really nice and supportive members here on Cage you can chat with, several of which have responded to your thread above. Hit them up.

Have a good day! And best of luck to you on your journey.

SoftSoul​(masochist female) • Jan 13, 2025

Its a darn right to be happy for oneself we can not please everyone we can not fix them must set the free let them grow for themself you must move on and go your own way . If they are not willing to support your needs, desires and passion with independence that is not love its a game a trap they because it takes two to support with love. Someone loves you they will go to the end of the earth to support you and all and fight for it to win you. If its not the same its not the same don't stay where you do not feel wanted in your passion or supported you must release to allow flow to find a new place and home for yourself.
https://gyazo.com/97c879c59463f28c481ac7f86fbaedba

Who's both your partner and best friend, hold on tight. That connection is rare and precious. Don't let your flaws or fears sabotage the relationship. Work through challenges together, and prioritize your bond.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/989402516564066



Don't feel you need to stay because you must, Don't stay to try to make it work when it's not, Don't stay to please others please yourself for a change. I know security may ring a bell you have been with this person for some time you have not been on your own. But break free you must do things you never did before you must please yourself for once and fight for your own happiness. Don't wait til your 100 no wait it is now you got time to change it.
But when a partner is not supporting your passions it's time to decide its priority for both.




But sometimes you have to do things you don't like to break free. I was with an ex but treated like marriage but no marriage but they liked someone to be a maid and sex tried to pull things over and did think that women could be independent. If anything is stopping you from passion that is not right a partner should be supporting your passion as you did theirs. I left my ex years ago I asked myself does this supported my passion and life I said no it did not. But they were cold and ugly ego I loved them but they did not treat me like a best friend partner when feels like a maid and sex you need to think real deeply you should be treated like a goddess and given passion sexually with independence to go out and do things. Security is not everything to stay you must find your own divorce is not going to ruin you do not listen to the society you're allowed to divorce it will be cut both ways. I had a friend who divorced but they had to keep the faith do what they needed to do be happy not be stuck in something that was not fair keep the support from friends and family and not have to tell all. But divorce is how you end this misery you did what you could but now your turn to be happy It is not over but it allows you to set free and celebrate your new beginnings. Not set in stone that you have to stay you are allowed to end this well when you do that you are free you will feel better the right things will come. There is no fear just just a bride you must cross the darkness you will face but the light is there bring both put a door at the end walk through it how do you respond to this peace take it easy on yourself in these steps you must take. You can keep them as a memory but this past is not your present you must make a new story for yourself in this life it's easy when you allow yourself the freedom you deserve.  You need to be whole with yourself be alone with love allow love to be the ebb and flow become the partner you seek so the right one to be the same reflection with you.


Right now, there are people all over the world who are just like you. They're lonely. They're missing somebody. They're in love with someone they probably shouldn't be in love with. They have secrets you wouldn't believe. They wish, dream, hope, and they look out the window whenever they're in a car or on a bus or a train and they watch people on the streets and wonder what they've been through. They wonder if there are people out there like them. They're like you, and you could tell them everything and they would understand. You're never alone.
And right now, they're sitting here reading these words and I'm writing this for you so you don't feel so alone anymore." —unknown.

Time to awaken your soul to love with self and freedom to what you deserve.

Be the person that you want to attract.
Learn to love yourself without
judgement if you want someone
else to love you unconditionally.
Respect and stand up for yourself
if you want someone else who
will keep you safe.
Live your passion if you want to
find someone who makes you feel free.
The love you have for yourself is what you will look for in someone else.
-Joel Clemons

“The truth is — genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it, you will know. You will feel seen; you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself like you are discovering the shadow of your own heart in another human being.
Slowly, through loving the right people, you will come to realise that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, or hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love. Slowly, you will realise that you do not have to romanticise the things in this life that hurt. You do not have to run towards the fire. Love does not feel like a fight, does not have to think like a battle, does not have to wound.
Slowly, you will learn how to lay down your arms. How to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. Slowly, you will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready, if they are not. You cannot love someone into their potential. You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves. You have to let them go. You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists. It exists.
And I hope you learn to trust that, because when you come across it, when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in. There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in. You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee. You’re home. You’re home.”


We are attracted and drawn to what feels familiar and relatable to us, so what do you relate to or what are you drawn to: pain, anxiety, depression, chaos, drama or love, strength, courage, compassion, stability and empathy? If you don't want to prepare yourself for another toxic and failed relationship, then you have to start by healing your relationship with yourself. You have to become the person who is READY to love by treating yourself the way that you want to be treated. You have to let go of your story of unhappiness and suffering and live the story that you want to share with someone else.
Life is all about timing, so what are you waiting for, start living and loving your life so that you're ready to share it with someone else.

-Joel Clemons •

Until we live a life free from the internal conflict between who we think we are expected to be and who we really are, we will suffer. Transformation is uncomfortable because we are having to look in the mirror and confront the untruths that we have been conditioned to believe and look deep into our own soul, into all the places that we hide from, and learn how to love ourselves there.
Without the courage to transform, we will cling to the very belief system that has been controlling us with fear, guilt, and shame. Don't just ask yourself "why do I feel bad about myself?" ask "why do I HAVE to feel bad about myself?"
The answer is: you don't. You get to choose how you feel about yourself but only if you are willing to stop agreeing with the beliefs about yourself that are untrue and hurtful. You become the boss of your own life when you finally realize that you are the owner of it and you are responsible for your own choices.
-Joel Clemons •

Stay with family for a while if he misses you and cares to change then they will come after you. if he does not come and change then you know what you need to do is leave. Fake love won't do needs to be shown with passion and support its the little things not much willing to give the same all it takes. A man must awaken him self.
https://gyazo.com/813644f3f2a467abc76a775ab89ed767

SoftSoul​(masochist female) • Jan 13, 2025

That is another way that I know a couple in their late 80s who had stayed for security but they both live in different places but meet up with everyone now and then but support each other but still live their own life. It' your choice.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Jan 21, 2025

We can't always get EVERYTHING we want in life. Weigh what's most important to you. BDSM or your marriage. Many people leave their marriage and regret it later. Many regret not leaving. But don't listen to any one person, especially here. Do YOUR thing and talk it out with the person you've built a life with. I'm hoping he's earned that much respect. Good luck to you. I'm rooting for what's best, not what FEELS good at the moment.

Aradia Nightshade​(other female) • Jan 22, 2025

If I remember right, he wasn't up for an open marriage. Presumably he wouldn't be up for you getting your needs met with a play partner, if that is possible.

I am sincere when I say that your situation is absolutely heartbreaking. I wish I had an actual solution, rather than observations.

I will offer one more observation. If you continue to not have your needs met, you are going to become resentful, if you haven't already. This resentment could lead to the breakdown of the marriage, thus it happening anyway, regardless of your wishes, or readiness. I don't know if it's practical for you to upgrade your education and/or work part-time, in case something does happen. Then you would have the means to support yourself should the worst happen. I would never recommend using affection and love as a currency, but think about what would happen if he suddenly wasn't getting his needs met or if there was a trial separation. He has issues he needs to work on but there's little reason to do this if he's got it made.

I encourage you (again) to seek out the help of a kink friendly therapist, online or in person. They have seen this many times. Maybe they can help you sort your thoughts out and help you get some clarity about moving forward. If he doesn't want therapy, you can still see one by yourself.

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2025

Very helpful! But I have communicated my needs. He just doesn’t want kink that much. I think k he thought it was fun for a while but when it became something that required constant connection and work on his part as a dom he dropped it. I agree that my behavior sounded erratic (dropping friends, etc) . I really just didn’t want to feel pain anymore. Something that I enjoyed and made sex fun again was taken from me without even a warning. It was as if one day my husband just wasn’t kinky anymore. So I was in kind of a tailspin because I had nothing really to share on that website anymore. I’ve since rejoined and reconnected with those friends and I share my pics for now. It’s not as fun as before but I can at least be an exhibitionist. I guess the “love” you mentioned didn’t sound that desirable when paired with me being with someone who doesn’t know or meet my needs. Not sure if that’s an admirable thing.

Lots to think about.

SoftSoul​(masochist female) • Jan 30, 2025

But at some point as long you go back to them. Many couples look for a women someone they can Dom and the girl sub is a bi switch. If you just went go be with a women and don’t tell him no guy involved your should be able to do things you would be attached to them but you need joy Also. But it’s give and take you go home. You don’t have to have sex with another dom toys can. We used so on thrn after play you go home. Bring girl home allow girl to dominate you in front of him let his see what he is missing.

SoftSoul​(masochist female) • Jan 30, 2025

But to keep it safe just have online dom on second life they still control you but you don’t gotta meet them in real. They have rlv and emotes , toys can control in real if you just keep it online no real info or pictures. You found one here. You be controlled sexually even it you have her toys. I’m alone I use suction cups with poke things just to give myself pain , get some toys stimulate your pussy and ass. Tell your men to buy spanking machine cause he not gonna do it you need discipline. Online you have to hump the chair wear clamps put toy inside toy start feeling good. I don’t do online but I seen how some do it that married in real just have lover online still go bask to their real.

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2025

Definitely looking o to an online dynamic and I’ve actually been honest with hubby and told him that today. He had nothing to say. I’m going forward with it and will keep it within bounds-no personal info exchanged, etc. But I will have kink in my life.