Making partner feel safe to explore sadistic tendencies

Making partner feel safe to explore sadistic tendencies

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 2, 2025

Fingers crossed this is the right place to ask for advice regarding this topic - I'm neither a masochist nor particularly interested in anything bdsm related, but I'm fairly open minded.
A question to people with sadistic tendencies who discovered them later in life - how did you come to terms with it? There are moral and social stigmas that "dictate" that it's bad or wrong. Personally, I don't think anything's morally wrong between *consenting adults*.
What helped you in your journey? What could a partner of yours have done to make you feel safe to explore that side of you?
Intuitively, words of reassurance and affirmation. I've never found myself in the position of having to come to terms with something like that, I can imagine that it isn't easy, but I can't truly relate. I don't like or want pain, I've been upfront about that, but I'm curious to have experienced a new thing and I don't care about pain THAT short lived and fleeting.
Any advice pr shared personal experiences from people on both ends of the pain inflicting spectrum is appreciated. ^^

JaredMayer​(dom male) • Jun 2, 2025

I noticed during puberty that I was sexually excited by themes of control and cruelty, and honestly I think it lead me to spending many years thinking about morality and ethics in a way most people don't have to. When you're drawn to something so obviously *wrong*, you become aware that your instincts about what's ok and what isn't require some scrutiny, and I don't think most "normal" people ever really consider that.

For the longest time I felt like I was a monster trying to hide my monsterousness from the world, then like a werewolf who kept his wolf caged. Eventually I came to embrace that part of myself though. I think the first time a partner actively asked me to hit them, and smiled after I did, is what did it because before then it was all just fantasy, even if I'd read plenty of people claiming to enjoy consensual violence.

Personally, I feel safest letting my sadistic side out when my partner is able to articulate their limits properly. One partner I had said "just don't kill me", which was super hot but definitely didn't make me feel comfortable in letting loose because there's no way they actually meant that. I need to feel that everything I'm doing is acceptable and that it isn't going to ruin the relationship. If I have clear boundaries and a means of signaling when things turn not-ok, then I can let my sadism drive instead of constantly second-guessing myself.

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 2, 2025

Thanks, that was actually helpful!

We haven't yet gotten around to doing anything, while it might at first glance seem easier to try things out and see what happens, I've made it a point to talk about it first. I firmly believe that there's nothing wrong with it, internalised guilt and shame is hard to overcome though. It *can't* feel taboo to talk about, otherwise, we'll try it and he'll torment himself after.

Reading your response made me smile, seems to have been a tough but worthwhile journey.

As the one with "no stakes" in this, I took time to reflect and think about what I would and wouldn't be okay with. Did some research, figured out for myself what kind of pain is afe and what kind of pain isn't, we have openly communicated about boundaries, which actions are safe and which are accompanied by the risk of causing actual injury.

I'm chronically ill, I've dealt with chronic debilitating pain my whole life. That is to say - my pain tolerance is both very high and has resulted in a pain scale that is anything but normal. Non-chronic pain is often not even registered by my brain. I don't want to be having it in the moment it's happening, but I couldn't give less of a fuck once it's over. xD

By my estimation, I'm the ideal partner to explore sadism with. I have no personal emotional stakes in the matter, it won't reveal anything about myself that I don't already know. I'll be fine both physically and emotionally, I'm confident about that for a number of reasons and previous life experiences. What I'd want out of this is to see him let go, feel safe, enjoy himself guilt-free.

As I said, really appreciated your response. I had thought about the possibility of him getting carried away, doing something he'd worry about having gone too far, I intended to beam at him, hug him and tell him how proud of him I was.

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 2, 2025

@JaredMayer saw your responses under other posts I looked at, looked at your profile, as a fellow (part-time) vegan neptunic autistic person, I'd love to pick your brain about a whole lot of things. xD

My approach to S&M is intensely fueled by my autism. I do not understand any of it out of personal experience, my autism happens to be the kind that is accompanied with a generous serving of asexuality. Because of that, sex holds very little meaning to me, most fitting way to describe it might be sex-indifferent. If I deeply care about someone to whom sex is important, it's the equivalent to any other activity a partner might enjoy. I want to see them happy, shared joy through shared activities is fun.

Didn't expect to receive such a thorough response to my inquiry, crossing my fingers that you see this reply and would enjoy sharing some of your many insights.

My autism makes me want to understand things. You, a fellow autistic person who randomly also identifies as neptunic - which to me is a first both off- and online - possess a treasure trove of knowledge. xD

JaredMayer​(dom male) • Jun 3, 2025

Unfortunately neither of us has premium so we can't DM, but I'm open to answering more questions here.

Although, you should keep in mind I've had a grand total of two relationships in my entire life, neither of which lasted more than a year, so my real experience is limited. I just spend a lot of time analyzing and thinking about things.

Bunnie • Jun 3, 2025

I’d also add to @Jared’s awesome response that giving each other grace is also super important. Mistakes will be made. How we move past those is what builds trust. Discussion- listening and hearing, voicing… not just “communication”… Understanding.
Of course, ideally you’d go into any scenario as prepared as possible… but there is always risk involved in what we do. As @Jared stated, a partner who not only knows their limits, but is *willing to communicate when necessary* is what keeps both people safer, not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well. This whole belief that it’s “more submissive” or “more hardcore masochist” to simply “take whatever is dished out” is dangerous and silly.
S&m is a dance. If done well, where everyone involved is in sync… with knowledge, skill, and practice… it can be beautiful.

A great starting point is negotiating scenes that are what I call “opt-in” rather than “opt-out.”
Opt-in means you negotiate and discuss exactly what will occur (“on the table”)… no more… nothing added after negotiations, and definitely nothing added in the heat of the moment of play. Be *very* specific. This builds trust, it gives you a sense of each other, it helps you both to know you’re on the same page, and it creates a starting point to build from. Write it down so that it is super clear. Make it an agreement. Learn everything you can about how to achieve what is involved… does it require specific skills? Specific equipment? Do you need to have an understanding of anatomy? Do your research. Share your findings and discuss these aspects too. It can be fun! All of these things allows both of you to relax and enjoy it when the time comes to put it into practice, knowing what will occur. Afterwards, discuss more. What you liked, what you didn’t like, what thought popped into your head that would be a cool addition next time, what you’d like to try differently next time etc etc.

If we put in the time and effort to build this kind of foundation with each other, the possibilities of exploration are endless. And as you come to know each other better, your play can become a lot more fluid. From there you can delve more into the “opt-out” realm (“anything goes” except the things that are “off the table”), and it’s much less overwhelming.

Another important thing that I was taught very early on when first stepping into the world of S&m, was: ‘you can always negotiate down (if something’s too much, say it’s too much and reassess) if you feel the need to… even during a scene. But only ever negotiate up when you’re perfectly clear-headed.’

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Jun 3, 2025

I relate to eventually coming to embrace that part of me. I would play a monster in online role play but although I enjoyed it, I felt I was just playing; it really wasn't me. I had subs who wanted my domination but my pain in very small doses. The sadism was always there though.
My wolf has finally been uncaged, and I now accept it as just as much of a part of me as the Daddy Dom. The experience was well informed and I hope to find someone to share that part of myself with again.
@ LFA, I think there's a lot of what you're looking for here.
As Bunnie advises, negotiating scenes is paramount. Negotiating down to the level of intensity and areas of impact is quite important, and in as much detail as possible. You'd be surprised how differently pain is felt on certain areas of the buttocks. How only light impact on certain parts of the body can inflict intense pain and how others need a thud. There are pain charts and plenty of information for impact play online but your best source is your masochist.
As Jared says, he wants to be as aware of someone's limits as he can be. It's up to you to know your limits and communicate everything you know about them.
Bunnie's right--it's a dance. You learn from each other as you go, and together, you make it a graceful, beautiful experience.

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Jun 9, 2025

So, I do think of myself as a sadist, but for me a lot of the stigma was greatly lost on me because my perception of pain is informed by being a retired massage therapist. I was a deep tissue therapist, and I had been hurting people and sending them to non-sexual subspace for years professionally before I learned about kink! 😂

That said, I still have a lot of these same anxieties around emotional sadism. I am clearly drawn to it, but I don't feel safe at all to express that side myself. To me it's all about consent and clear boundaries and negotiations like was previously stated. If I know where the fence is I can play all the way to the edge of that fence, but if there's no fence I stay closer to the center and don't push anything, because I can't trust where the line is.

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 14, 2025

Thanks for all the replies!

Some clarifications and an Update. xD

I'm not a masochist, don't have masochistic tendencies either. Trying it out confirmed what I already knew. I genuinely don't want to be hit or experience physical pain, due to chronic illnesses, pain that isn't chronic and "wears off" soon enough doesn't matter to me, emotionally.

We tried it out, seeing someone you care about feel safe around and with you, seeing them let go, experiencing that expression of deep trust they have with and in you, took me by surprise how emotionally nice that was.

I found interesting how pain can affect the body. Crossing pain thresholds lead to learning a bunch of new stuff about the human body. xD

As for communication - yes, that is indeed very important. We had several long talks in advance and continue to have them, before, during and after, we check in with each other about what is and isn't okay.

As for roleplaying, making it fun or acting out scenarios - not what I'm here for. Don't like pain, don't want to be hurt, there's no scenario in which I will find it physically fun or enjoyable. xP I'll keep an eye on the accumulated pain tolerance, for now, it's overwhelmingly and tremendously enjoyable to see someone I care about be this damn happy. 🤟🏻

After having experienced it, a question to the masochists - that shit hurts! xP Is it mentally or physically rewarding? I can somewhat see the emotional appeal of "oof they're thriving, what a beautiful sight to see!", but I can't wrap my head around wanting or even enjoying the pain. Sometimes, brain receptors can misinterpret the information they're getting from the nerve endings, as in, pain is perceived as pleasure. Is it that, or is it a mental/emotional thing?

Bunnie • Jun 14, 2025

“Is it mentally or physically rewarding?”

Physically, for me, it’s like a re-set. Re-calibration.
Emotionally, it’s a truth. There is a rawness that is difficult to touch upon in any other way (however, vulnerable intimacy also touches on it in a different way). It’s like being stripped back to nothing.
Mentally, it is a shattering of fear. Oftentimes the fear of the unknown is bigger than the actual experience.