Advice

Hi I’m looking for advice on where to start on my journey, I’m a 35 year old woman who knows that she’s submissive (I’m autistic so I really like rules and routine). I’ve had one relationship in my adult life and it wasn’t anything serious, when I say I’m a beginner I’m talking every sense of the word I’ve never actually went all the way with a partner before. I’m after the type of relationship where we can be goofy together but I can still allow myself to feel safe enough to trust someone to summit to, basically the question that I’m asking everyone is how do I find a partner that’s dominate and caring and a dominate who doesn’t care that I’m really really inexperienced? Any advice is appreciated

Well, the answer is it just takes time. You have to know a person and just find the right one for you. It shouldn’t feel forced or you shouldn’t feel pressured or anything like that. With the right person, it will just come naturally.

So like, I had no partners or experience of any kind until my mid thirties, and am also autistic, so I feel uniquely qualified to offer an opinion.

Your lack of experience in both relationships and kink likely means you're extremely vulnerable, and predators will see that. My first partner was emotionally abusive once we were committed and I tolerated it far longer than I should have. If they're good at manipulation they will make it feel like it is your fault if you let them, so trust your gut and if you have particularly honest and blunt friends trust them too.

Always remember that just because you're submissive doesn't mean that you have no say in what's going on. Any partner unwilling to abide by your limits, listen to your concerns, and take them seriously is a dangerous person. There is no "you're not really a sub because you won't do what I say" in real life. Being a submissive doesn't mean you have to fit into any particular mold, it's just an aspect of who you are and you're a complete person with their own unique identity. Go at your own pace, not theirs.

As for finding someone, well, I'm not terribly good at that myself being that I'm quite socially anxious on top of being autistic. The common advice is to go to munches (casual friendly get-togethers) in order to meet other people in the local kink scene. My understanding is that most kink communities are pretty good at vetting and making friends there will help you find out who's a problem, and you'll get a lot of education.

You were wise to open this thread and be frank about your status. As a result, you've received very good advice. DD was more general but still correct. JM was pretty thorough, thoughtful and accurate. I slightly disagree about his advice regarding munches. DO NOT rely on them to thoroughly vet anyone, I seriously doubt that will be the case and do not be surprised to learn that they have not vetted anyone. All of that remains squarely on your shoulders.

This site and the internet at large has lots of good information about safety protocols for meeting strangers. Disregard that good advice at your peril. If you don't understand it, start another thread in this Forum and ask about what you are unsure of.

Take your time to get educated and look for someone who will be patient and understanding. Then enjoy your submission.

Start by chatting online while asking questions, get multiplenopinions before jumping on the first thing that youre told.

Attend munches and events to be an active member of the community.

Learn whatever you can from any able to teach or that youre able to watch.