I feel like you need to be a sub before being a dom

I find myself thinking “what would a “perfect” dom be like?” And for sure they’d have to be understanding of what the sub is going though and what it feels like from their point of view. I feel like that’s the only way to be a dom and really know you’re doing something right. It’s not common but I’ve seen subs turn into doms and they’re the most understanding best doms because they KNOW what it’s like from the subs point of view. But then again there’s some doms who are just dom by nature I guess. I just wanna know some thoughts on this

I don't think I could be a sub, personally; or at least I couldn't be a good one. The closest I ever got was a one night stand with a switch who tried being on top and hurting me (twisting my nipple if I recall), but they gave up almost immediately when their efforts produced no reaction whatsoever. Imagining myself even trying to be a sub and all I can see myself doing is going through the motions like a robot completely detached from the experience. I can't speak for all doms, obviously, but a sub like that really wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't feel like I was giving up control so much as just choosing to do what I was told; Westley-at-the-beginning-of-The-Princess-Bride energy.

Does that make me a dom by nature? I don't know. I'm not convinced there is such a thing as a "natural dominant". I think that's just a thing assholes use to justify bad behavior. Outside of kink contexts I am not a controlling person and don't want to be responsible for telling everyone what to do. In kink contexts it's really the only way I can imagine being though: reveling in all the power they've given to me and feeding off the Dom/sub energy cycle between us.

Your point, in my opinion, does have some merit. But no matter how flat you make a pancake, there's always two sides.

My Dom & I have attended events both in person and online for decades. One of the things that stuck with us was a Kink Master that said, "Your submission should be as unique as your fingerprint". We always tell people to replace the word 'submission' with whatever fits your situation - dynamic, lifestyle, etc.

Don't be concerned as much on what your role or your partner's role is. The important thing is to allow time to see if your partner is compatible with the lifestyle each of you are seeking. It's not necessary to be a sub to become a good Dom. You just have to be understanding and patient with each other. Unfortunately, we have seen through the years that too many people have been infected with "pornification". They get too many wrong ideas from porn & movies instead of being themselves.

My Dom has never been a sub, and likewise, I have never been a Dom. Our Femdom relationship has worked well for us, but keep in mind that nothing is "One Size Fits All". Relax and be yourself - you may be surprised how wonderful you are at what you do.

I would not want a switch personally. That is only my taste. You either are or are not Dominant or submissive, in some cases people are both- switches. This is maybe for the bedroom or per dynamic? Not sure but not curious.
I don’t want my Dom to “understand and be empathic to my POV, or one that has been in my shoes”. The same way I don’t feel being a Domme would make me a better sub. If anything it may seem confusing to a potential Dom that i “switch”.
It is not what I am or who I am. Never was and never will be- doesn’t do a thing for me. I need that counterpart, the fit to my pieces- but am not the counter and the parts pending on how the coin lands.

“ I wouldn't feel like I was giving up control so much as just choosing to do what I was told; Westley-at-the-beginning-of-The-Princess-Bride energy.”
-JM

Yay, Princess Bride reference, and perfectly so 🤍✨. This made me happy and I totally get it!

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Aww come on... No reaction to the time-honored Purple Nurple? I would think that's an experience like no other.

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So enough of that sidetrack. I tend to agree but want to avoid the broad brush. Hard-wired dominants cannot be subs. I know a few of them and they aren't domineering outside and professional settings. The dynamic for them is best suited for home and hearth.

Because no one can be something or someone that they're not, hard-wired dominants shouldn't feel a need to have a submissive experience. They can come to understand how their submissive feels and have an idea of their perspective through open, honest, and thorough communication.

For switches or flexible doms, the "sub experience" can work and give them a POV perspective on being a sub. But either way, through it all, as long as they use whichever avenue that works to "get the picture", the dynamic should work out well.

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{I hope this helps. In the past month or so I have been posting crap that is of little to no use so I've stepped back from contributing on the Forums and am probably a bit out of practice.}

We are what we are, some more naturally than others. Whether or not someone is a good or even a great individual, whether Dominant or submissive, relies heavily on how attentive they are in listening, learning, reacting and responding. I don't have to have a child to respect what a woman goes through or to be attentive to her needs. As a leader, I don't have to know what it feels like to be following - I just need to take everything into consideration to include the pitfalls ahead. Am I better leader to consider the feelings of those that follow? Absolutely. Do I need to have been in their shoes to understand how to lead? No.

A Doctor doesn't have to be a patient first in order to be a great doctor nor even the best doctor. They just need to do their homework.

I would position that the good JaredMayer above makes an excellent case that he seems to be naturally dominant simply in how he responds to things. I would disagree in his comment that someone calling themselves anything such as "naturally dominant" is a justification to do bad things. Doing bad things and being an asshole makes them an asshole. Otherwise, it's just terms to define how they see themselves. And a great deal of what I see is people trying to define what they are so others see them that way. I knew a few who consider themselves naturally dominant who are really decent individuals.

We can always flip the script. In order to be the perfect submissive, does someone need to be a Dominant first? The answer is no.

Love the Princess Bride reference! The Dread Pirate Roberts.