Trust, Can it be Rebuilt

It's already common for subs who have been traumatized in the past to be hard to earn their trust. My question is what happens when that trust is gained but then broken? The work and the effort put in to show the sub they are safe, cherished, understood, and heard. To have been successful in that and gained their trust. What happens when the trust is broken then? Can it be earned again, can the broken trust be put back together? Does how the trust was lost matter?

Anyone with experience from either side would be very welcome. Dom or sub, rebuilding successful or not. I understand my questions to are vague but this is intentional. I would like a wide varieties of experiences to come up from this. I'm sure there are other forums on the topic but I just haven't seemed to find them yet.

As always, thank you in advance for your thoughts, time, and vulnerability to help me in exploring this topic. Resources are also welcome.

~Waffles

Nope

Sometimes, I feel as though I'll never trust again. It's a hard road. Either side is painful. I try to remind myself that at least there are moments of joy in trying again...and again...and again. (I remind myself of the good times. Repeatedly.) There is some pain/loss of trust that a person can never let go. For those times, I just push forward. I think learning to truly see and love ourselves helps. It allows us to know what WE need in order to rebuild trust.

During the pandemic I watched a lot of this psychologist on YouTube. Now he wasn't speaking about bdsm, but he talked about recovering from infidelity, probably one of the worst sort of betrayal. And he said while it's totally possible and he's seen it a lot, what he often sees is the guilty party wants to move on-- but they don't really have that right. That is, it takes years-- literally, years-- to recover from this kind of betrayal. And after a short time, often just months, the guilty party is often like "when are you going to move on?" and that kind of attitude won't lead to recovery. If they're not willing to not only be repentant for their transgression at the time but understand it will take YEARS before they've earned the trust back-- no, no it's not possible.

And that's in vanilla relationships. In BDSM relationships, trust is even more important. So it may take even more!

Yes, trust can be restored. As you point out, the manner in which trust was broken matters. But what matters more is whether both parties are willing to work through it back towards trust and to what degree the trust was broken.

We are All human. We all make mistakes. We all have some semblance of trauma, whether submissive or Dominant. So in the end, are both parties willing to sit down, communicate and talk through the issues and the incident that broke the trust. Secondary, what caused the event to occur which broke the trust? Does this still exist and will the trust be broken time and time again?

Will the aggrieved party truly forgive and as indicated above, move on someday, or will it always be the Sword of Damocles hanging above the relationship.

So communication and patience can restore trust. But only the individuals involved can make that call if they wish to put in the effort. Some trust may take longer to restore. And maybe the right answer is to move on.

True event: While deployed I met a young man as I returned from night watch. All I wanted was to drop off weapons and find my way to my rack, but this young man was standing in distress and crying. I offered an ear and listened. He'd had a call from his wife. She divulged that due to a night of drinking with the girls, she had woken up in bed with a stranger. He was devastated.

I offered him this advice: Don't tell your bunk mates or anyone you know. Seek a counselor or chaplain. I asked if he could see why it happened and asked if he could see himself doing the same thing. He said yeah, she was lonely and he might have done the same thing. I asked if he felt it would happen again. I pointed out she was at least being honest immediately. He felt she would never cheat again and it was a true one-time mistake. So my next question: Can you get past this and never hold it above her head after you get home and seek help? I told I didn't need the answer and only he could really respond, but I did point out she was being honest. Granted - horrible time to distract her husband. A decade later, they were still together, seemingly happy, and as far as I know I was the only person he told that night, so their secret was kept from any friends who might know them both.

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Take trauma out of the question and you'll still have the same answer. People who haven't experienced trauma can still have trust issues or have experienced someone untrustworthy.

Example: Two people we will call them Partner A and Partner B. They have spent months creating this handmade mug together. Finding the clay for it, finding time to work on it, designing it, molding it, so on and so forth. Partner A breaks the mug accidentally. They apologized and of course, replaced the mug. Partner A & B talk about how that action, even though an accident hurt them. And Partner A acknowledged the hurt, apologized, even got a new mug.

Partner A breaks the mug again. Again, they swear it was an accident. And replace it again. Partner B starts keeping the mug in a different cabinet. They talk about how careful they need to be around the mug. Partner A gingerly handles the mug every time they touch it. But a few weeks later breaks the mug again while washing it. Now, Partner B keeps it locked away and is the only one to clean it.

This pattern happens one more time. But now Partner B wishes to no longer wants a mug in the house. Even though Partner A shows how they cared for it all the other times.

That's a shortened version of a much longer example. But I think everyone can get the gist. Even though accidentally the mug was broken by Partner A, does it matter if it continues to happen? Would it matter if it were vice versa, and Partner B was breaking it? No. Does it matter that it was replaced or rebuilt? No.

For me, it’s never been a matter of if I can trust the person again, it’s if I can trust myself. Trust in my instincts and my decision making. Whenever I reflect on those who have betrayed my trust, it was almost always avoidable had I made better decisions for myself and the people I allowed in or back into my life.

For me, yes trust can be restored, but it’s dependent on if there is love, what the situation is, and if their actions more often than not match their words. Being vulnerable doesn’t come easy for most, regardless of how they identify, but if they aren’t ready to be honest with themselves then they can’t be honest with me. Personal responsibility, emotional intelligence, and self awareness matter.

Once they have earned the title X that is theirs, they get to keep that forever.

Does it matter what the issue was that broke the trust and how long you have known this person? Probably.. We are all human and make mistakes..butttt an error in judgment isn't always the same as broken trust..Within a relationship whether that be "vanilla" or bdsm I have to feel safe and protected if trust is broken how could I be with someone that doesn't protect my peace.

You going to the forums indicates to me that you may already know the answers and although we can all offer suggestions it's up to you what feels right for you.