Newbies and Vets

For the veterans: what advice do you wish you had when you started out?

For the newcomers: what is the biggest question you need advice on right now?

Know your limits and vet partners carefully. Both D-types and s-types can be fake or toxic.

wanted to reach out and share some reflections and hard-earned advice on navigating relationships, particularly within the BDSM/lifestyle community, in the hope of helping others stay safe and find genuine connections.

Vet: In 2010, when I was 24, I flew to meet someone who turned out to be entirely different from who they claimed to be. After refusing an unsafe situation at the airport and getting assistance from a guard, I went straight home. That experience taught me a valuable lesson about the dangers of rushing into things and the reality of online manipulation.

Newbies Subs/Doms/Returning/Vets
Based on what I have learned, here is my advice for anyone starting out or returning to the scene:

  - Prioritize Safety and Verification: Never rush to meet. Conduct background checks, verify recent photos, and do video calls first. When you do meet, always do so in a public place during daylight—never at a private home or hotel room.
  - Take It Slow: Build a solid foundation of friendship and courtship first. I highly recommend waiting and keeping things vanilla for at least six months before entering into a dynamic or physical relationship. Avoid using titles like "Dom" or "Sub" until you have established this foundation. True intimacy, trust, and respect must be earned over time.
  - Beware of the "Frenzy": Avoid the trap of "Sub Frenzy" or "Dom Frenzy." Relationships built on desperation or a desire to escape your current situation rarely have the necessary safety, respect, or communication.
  - Educate Yourself: Learn the principles of Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) dynamics, including the importance of communication and aftercare.
  - Focus on Mutual Values: Look for someone who values you as a whole person, respects your boundaries, and brings peace—not headaches—into your life. A healthy dynamic requires emotional maturity, patience, and teamwork.
  - Focus on Yourself First: Your happiness, mental health, and physical well-being are your responsibility. Work on your own healing, establish independence, and do not hesitate to remove yourself from toxic situations or relationships that no longer serve you.

- Take It Slow: Take the time—weeks, months, over a year—to let a connection develop naturally. Don't call anyone sub or Dom that can wait down the road.
  - Verify Identity: Run a background check, insist on two-way video calls, and ensure photos are recent and accurate.
  -  wait a few weeks ,Meet in Public: Always hold initial meetings in daylight in a public space. Never meet at a private home or in a hotel room. The leading hand should meet the sub first so they feel safe.
  - Require Respect and Courtship: A partner should earn your respect. Take at least six months to date conventionally and build emotional intimacy first. They should communicate effectively and show consistent respect.
  - Prioritize Safety and Education: Educate yourself on safety, aftercare, and safe, sane, and consensual practices. As a submissive, you are strong, you have rights, and you always have the power to speak up.
  - Protect Your Energy:  Only share very little at first till respect is earned. Be selective about who you allow into your life. Focus on mental, emotional, and spiritual alignment before physical intimacy. Don't share tmi Trama past exes too much. People do care to share some later, some details only shared with a friend or counselor, or someone close. Became what you are now is your present.  Just sharing too much gets in the wrong's hands or backfires if a person can try to hurt . Share some stuff when they show respect but don't bring up too much. Yes, people want healed ones but don't have to be all the way just be willing to work on in the progress and in time the person will show care.  But if still in divorce best to wait till it is done and still have friends so on talk about things. But also, if you just got out of a relationship best to wait and mend. Focus on your own worth and break those piece by piece to make a new life for yourself.  But we all care, we just be ourselves, things will work out.  If you're in a bad situation, don't turn to the lifestyle, get help and resources in your area and be safe and wait till things settle in time to give life flow and peace.

Ultimately, your past does not define your future. Focus on your own mental, physical, and financial well-being. Nurture your spirit, let go of past drama, and do not stay where you are not valued. Often, the best things arrive unexpectedly when you focus on living your own life with peace and elegance.  



Our past mistakes are not failures; they are the experiences that help us grow. Every day is a new page, and we have the power to choose who we want to be and how we want to live.

Take care of yourselves, stay safe, and value your own worth.

Best regards,

Another thing : If you want things to work out. Don’t take things personally let people be . Let things go. Focus on yourself , your mental health , your spirtaul health , and physically live your life.

Advice i'd give to myself starting out would be from the dominant perspective;

1. make sure to vet your partner carefully. Theres a line between a submissive and someone who is apathetic to life. The latter will almost always end in hurt & contusion because neither of you are communicating effectively.

2. Be selfish. Take your time. Events, partners & relationships happen a lot more organically than you think. Do whats best for you & your comfort - everything else will fall in line.

3. Don't compare yourself to others it's extremely unhealthy & insecure. You have your own unique style of being dominant and that's fine. You don't have to be the loudest, most macho guy in the room to be respected. Just focus on your craft & kinks and practice them safely

Good luck new doms & enjoy your experiences.