Putting it out there!!!

Villanelle​(staff) • Jan 11, 2017

I agree with Misdee - if you hope to get anything more than a form reply from a dominant (or anyone for that matter), read their profile and say something other than 'can you be my mistress?'.  It doesn't exactly scream of appreciation or care for the individual you are approaching, rather that anyone will do when it comes to you jerking off.

KinkeePanda​(sub male)​{in service} • Mar 7, 2017

I thoughly agree, I think that with the nature of the internet and hook up culture, a lot of men play a numbers game, they send messages out to as many women as possible to see what bites, they don't care who bites just that they get an opening in which they can try and get fast gratification of their own desires. It boggles the mind the entitlement that comes with this form of communication.

"I was nice and polite to you in saying "Hi" you must be a bitch if you don't answer me within 10 seconds"

This, unfortunately buries those submissive men with a less self centred approach who are looking for something of far more substance and longevity where something is built on mutual terms over a period of time.

The irony of the true submissive man's existence is that by nature they are ..well.. "submissive" and far less likely to have the dominant nature to try and stand out to promote themselves and fight the trolls in order to be seen or heard.

So we end up with diametrically opposed experiences for dominant women and submissive men . Where Dominant women become jaded because they have to wade through so much undesirable contact and are therefore less likely to respond to the messages they receive and true submissive men become discouraged because they find they have to compete to be seen or heard and they start to think that dominant women are few and far between.

This means that online interaction just becomes a luck game for D Women and s men to find each other or instead they stop using the internet and start using their real life networks to find each other which takes a lot more effort than sending messages to a profile on a screen.

Villanelle​(staff) • Mar 7, 2017

@KinkdeePanda - thank you for your thoughtful response. I'd concur with pretty much everything you've posted. However, there is one point I'll ever so slightly build on. It has to do with what it means to be submissive or to have a "submissive nature".

Being submissive is not the same as being passive (in no way do I mean to imply that is the point you were making). Subs who think they lay back and let the dominant use them are in fact looking for a subcentric, fantasy fulfillment experience (unless of course, the dominant has instructed the sub to do so in a particular context). There's nothing wrong with subcentric fantasy fulfillment but I'd recommend you dig out your credit card and go to one of the excellent prodommes and not bother us lifestylers. As many experienced submissives know submission is very much a proactive experience: learning your dominant's preferences, routines, anticipating needs and desires without attempting to control or drive the situation, etc. In fact, it's such hard work it can be both mentally and physically exhausting for one who lives to serve. Submissive holidays recommended

So how does a submissive be proactive and effective when looking for a dominant, especially in the strange wilderness of the internet? You do exactly what you've done KinkdeePanda. You make yourself visible in a thoughtful and considerate way. You engage people as individuals. You have something to say for yourself. You show your intellect and demonstrate your standards. Further, you cultivate other interests outside of BDSM so you can be pleasing and interesting and contribute other elements to a relationship. The more you have to offer and the more you show yourself, the more likely you are to attract a quality dominant. They ARE out there, no question. And they actually aren't spoiled for choice because most of the choices are searching for wanking fodder. So to anyone who asks me "how do I find a dominant?" I encourage them to be proactive in this very particular way, to build an interesting and thoughtful profile and most of all, to participate. No one, particularly a dominant wants a passive, lazy, boring partner. Quite the contrary.

KinkeePanda​(sub male)​{in service} • Mar 7, 2017

@Evangeline I do not mean to infer that to be submissive is to be passive, though I can see how that came across. I agree completely with your insightful response.

I was attempting to point out that, in my experience, there are two types of submissive men on the internet those who want to be "done to" (the plug and play generation) and those that seek a deeper connection and forging of trust over time (the book generation). Unfortunatly the former tends to drown out the latter.

It is interesting to note when looking at most initial contacts in the kink scene online, that the dominant patriarchal paradigm is pervasive. There remains an underlying expectation that it is the male role to pursue initial contact for almost all forms of kink dynamic relationship be it Femdom/sub or Dom/sub.

Where I have been contacted by dominant women in the past it is usually because someone is trying to scam me or similar to Missdee's experience I had been told to follow orders and submit before I had even met someone face to face despite telling them that in the short term I was looking to get to know someone first and foremost in person before I determined if that person was someone I could trust and wanted to serve and they also had the opportunity to determine if I was someone that they wanted to forge that type of relationship with as well.

That being said I do think the best way to find these types of relationships is not online by using cold contacts methods due to what I previously wrote. I think the best way may be.

1. Have a well rounded online presence
2. Meet all different types of people in your local scene at munches, events and workshops etc..
3. Build a network of people you have met.
4. Try to stand out in your scene so that people know who you are and why they may want to get involved with you.
5. Approach potential partners either through your network or at events.

The more you are known in a scene the more likely you will be vetted positivly if a potential partner you have contacted choses to ask others about you.

How do you like to be approached?

Misdee​(dom female) • Mar 11, 2017

Thank you to everyone who has written to share ideas and perspectives on this.
I realize that as a Domme I too need to continue to update my profile as well.
Nice profile kinkyPanda, thank you for mentioning about the difficulties that may be encountered by submissive men or women for that matter. Thanks too Evangeline for pointing out the difference between passive and submissive.

I have a question along this same thread. This is for submissives. How do you like to be approached? What makes you feel comfortable when being approached by a D type person?

I ask this question because I am continuously growing and feedback is a very useful tool in me becoming a better Domme.

Just my thoughts/opinions on this as always .
Looking forward to everyone's input!

Christy​(sub femme)​{Sub femme} • Mar 11, 2017

This is intersex christy...since it will probably be kneeling with head down, Mistress may not even acknowledge it.

SanE​(sub male) • Mar 11, 2017

In reply to Misdee's questions:

How do you like to be approached?
It depends, but as a general principle I prefer to be approached as if the D/s roles didn't exist. Let me know you are interested in me as a person, and if we happen to be interested in each other we can start to flesh out the power exchange dimension later in the relationship.

What makes you feel comfortable when being approached by a D type person?
An implied acknowledgment through her actions and demeanor that she doesn't have my submission. If she behaves like an adult and at the same time makes her intentions known whether by flirting or simply having a conversation, I would be more receptive to her advances.

In regards to the main the thread:

Despite of what the number of kinky profiles might suggest, I believe that the distribution between submissive men and dominant women in the real world is closer to 50/50. Depending of where you live the ratio could be skewed towards dominant women!

The way I see it, a considerable amount of 'vanilla' individuals, due to a myriad of reasons, are discouraged by society or circumstance not to express their desires, only to end up leaving the kinky part of themselves suppressed or unexplored. I should know, I was one of them. But, who knows, maybe you have already interacted with self-identified dominant women in your daily life, they just so happen to have their own flavor of dominance that doesn't necessarily fit the stereotypes magnified in porn. That old cliché 'never judge a book by it's cover' also applies to kinky people.

At the end of the day femdom is a subculture within a subculture, depending on where you live dating kinky people can be harder (or easier), for example, living in a metropolitan area versus a small town in the middle of nowhere. Patience and endurance are a must, in my view.

If you want your chances of attracting a dominant woman (or anyone for that matter), you have to put in the effort. Evangeline said it best: "No one wants a passive, lazy, boring partner. Quite the contrary". Be proactive.

KinkeePanda​(sub male)​{in service} • Mar 15, 2017

Thank you Misdee for your compliment on my profile.

It's interesting, how ingrained cultural norms are. I remember being asked out on a date in a vanilla setting by a lovely woman a few years back. I thought to myself at the time that I was the modern man and that being asked out by a woman was a great sign of the times.

I was surprised to feel very insecure about being asked out and I really had to admonish myself for feeling so insecure and defensive. We had a lovely dinner.

That reaction got me reflecting about insecurity and where it comes from. I came to the conclusion that it was a natural reaction regardless of if you are a male or female.

When a someone we do not know very well asks us out on a date I think we all have a little insecure voice in our heads that asks; Why do they want to go out with me? What are their ulterior motives? Etc...

As usual it all comes down to clear communication. I think if you spell out you intensional when approaching someone it goes along way toward easing insecurities as those questions have been answered.

So in answer to your question as to how I would like to be approached, well, it all depends on the existing relationship that you have prior to approaching someone to enter a D/s dynamic, Personally, I prefer to be friends on equal footing before being approached.

If you are already friends or being introduced by friends, I would prefer them to be honest with me and let me know that they are interested in domination and taking me as a sub and then gauging my opinion to see if I was interested before assuming me to be in a place of power over me until discussed and agreed, I am not your sub, likewise you are not my Mistress until mutually agreed.

The exception would be in playful friendly role plays taking place between friends.

If you do not know the person very well, I would prefer to become friends in the first instance, to form a bond over a common interest over a period of time. Once friendship had been established I would then discuss to see if there was a common interest in a more permanent D/s dynamic.

Personally if I am to have a lasting deep and powerful D/s relationship with someone a foundation of trust and openess will have already been forged through their friendship.

I don't think there are any fast tracks to this, in my opinion.

I might be different from other subs in that I don't see myself as a "pathetic, unworthy slave etc..." rather I want to find a Domme who will treasure me as much as I treasure her. I'm not looking for a fantasy role to play, but rather a simpatico D/s dynamic where the two of us fit together to fulfil each other's needs like puzzle pieces.

Misdee​(dom female) • Apr 8, 2017

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, having a good foundation of friendship on which to build into D/s absolutely the best choice one can make.!

Dominant Woman - Submissive Men

M Wes​(switch male)​{None} • Apr 11, 2017

Being completely new to the lifestyle, and I see it as a lifestyle after my intensive reset, I have come to the conclusion that I prefer the Domme to approach me first. That , to me, shows she would most likely accept me, and accept me as me. That would also allow her to lay out her expectations and I would then begin to 'discuss' where I would/could fit in to her expectations /lifestyle. I've learned a lot from forums such as this some hard lessons about scams (and some of my own from other sites), and I'm afraid I'm going to possibly lose what could be a wonderful mistress because she is holding fast to what she wants (e.g., no face to face before training, I'll pay for half of the training kit - via lTunes card! - not even telephone contact. As much as our month and half conversations has been very wonderful, I'm not comfortable about some of these so called ground rules, especially the iTunes cards. As a former military cop who worked very closely with my civilian counterparts, I did learn a few things, and also during the last three attempts, although, they were not connected with D/s. if I don't get cooperation and honesty now, if she were to prove to be a true Domme, what could I expect in the future? I think I'm passing on this lady, although my heart is fighting my head, it's almost a no brainer. Yes, I've found it difficult to find a nice, good Domme to take on an older male, but, the search goes on. Thanks to everyone one who's given so much excellent, if painful, advice over the past week or so. Yes, I did take it to heart. She's getting her last chance tonight, we meet or I'm out. She seems not to have a head foe protocol or she's a fake, or hell, worse, both!