New to the scene trying to understand my place

New to the scene trying to understand my place

Mr K • Nov 9, 2018

I'm new to this my partner is my ex wife of 8 we've been together for 11 years total have 2 children and constantly find ourselves back together. Recently she finally opened up to be about be sub and like the concept of taken in hand minus the religious aspect. She is apparently talking to and has had 2 dates with very strenuous rules from another gentlemen but we've recently been engaging in dom/sub sex. So I'm trying to figure out what she needs from me, how to set rules, punishment, and show her i can be the dom for her. She will give me very little advice stating i need to figure it out, so i'm throwing myself on the floor, Help me please.

DrWakko • Nov 9, 2018

It’s all about communication. You can’t figure it out unless she tells you and she can’t figure you out unless you tell her.

The more you communicate the less chance someone has to be and get hurt.

There are lots of landminds out there and it’s better to have a detailed map than to walk into the mind field blind.

Keep in mind. She might be telling you to figure it out because she doesn’t know what she wants. Talk it out and go slow.

DW

Mr K • Nov 9, 2018

I think she knows what she wants, and she thinks I’m pretending to be something I’m not. She let me know with the current guy he basically informs her of what to wear, how hair, nails, makeup should look etc and she likes that. She refers to herself and scenario she prefers as taken in hand. Being dom is just a side of myself I’ve repressed because i watched my father physically abuse my mother and have been terrified of going overboard

Mr K • Nov 9, 2018

So i'm trying to understand her needs while also figuring out where i fit in and how to go about communicating my desires to her so she understands and obeys while also being mindful of what she needs from me. Most of this stuff is so vague I'm just having a hard time getting the info i need.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 9, 2018

'Taken in Hand' (TIH) has its origins in an idealised version of the 1950s mythos of the male head of house hold typed relationship, which unfortunately was often a highly misogynistic, abusive and violent one back in the day. You are right that in recent years there has been a move towards male head of house hold dynamics within some Christian circles, not all though.

The Surrendered Wife ( http://www.surrenderedwife.com/ ), and other off shoots distance themselves from being BDSM, or Fetish related and yet, they dance very close and over the line in my view into BDSM, D/s territory. I think it perfectly ok to create your own version of this, taking the best aspects from the various areas to suit your ex's needs. In order to do this I think you should talk to your ex wife in detail and try and get a clear idea of what she likes and needs and from that info and info taken from the Surrender Wife/Taken in Hand movements + BDSM/Fetish information sources make your own dynamic.

Here is the thing, if everything is discussed, consented to it is not abuse. Many view these activities, BDSM or TIH as abuse, but if there is enthusiastic, fully discussed consent it is not abuse, simply two adults agreeing to an alternative lifestyle to effect all or only some of their relationship.

Its important that this should be fully consensual, enthusiasticly so and practiced carefully. Learn how to hand spank (wearing leather gloves helps with this) and use of a paddle or leather Tawse (traditional school punishment tool) and only those at the start. Canes require a lot of skill to use safely and carefully, therefore I would avoid these at the start, assuming your ex likes the idea of being punished via a cane.

Creating behaviour rules and protcols for her conduct, think about what you would like from her and once you have some ideas discuss them with your ex, she needs to consent to these. There must also be reasonable, proportional punishments relating to the breaking of these rules. Regarding dressing rules, what would you like her to wear. Its as simple as that, assuming she consents to your ideas regarding this you can have a lot of fun in this area. I would say that though as I love dressing and creating looks, it is that aspect of my previous BDSM involvements that led into my making and dressing dolls, my path to dollification.

Use your imagination here, stockings, garter belts, corsets, 50s style dresses, do some research into what was popular regarding 50s styles of clothing. Of course you don't have to go down that path, whatever styles you like, your wife agrees to. This is an opportunity to be creative regarding rules and looks. For example if the lines on the back of her cuban heeled stockings are not straight there could be a punishment, lingerie not matching another, and so on.

Being a Male Head of Household, disciplinarian has some cross over into being a dominant within a BDSM framework, but its also different I think, so I would suggest reading BDSM material, including material from the Spanking/Corporal punishment groups as well as the Taken in Hand material out there. I know this is daunting and scary stuff, a very step learning curve, so take your time and find the path, mix that suits you and your ex's needs.

Here is the thing though, if you are not into this, and many aren't, can't cross from vanilla to this then trying could well be emotionally distructive to you. If you feel you can't do this, or after trying it isn't for you, be mature enough to back out. There is no disgrace in not being into, comfortable with this. Its a complicated topic, with various levels and depths of information and I am aware my reply barely scratches the surface.

I wish you the very best in your journey, and hope the above is helpful.

____________

I hope the links below are helpful.

Useful info here - http://wikibin.org/articles/taken-in-hand.html, and here - http://unconventionalwoman.blogspot.com/2008/03/taken-in-hand-and-alpha-male.html

Some useful info here, but having looked at other articles on the site I personally find their view points abhorent and deeply offensive/misogynistic http://theheadofhousehold.com/male-led-relationship-model/

A Domestic Discipline Society - https://adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com/

Some useful info here - https://lovedandspankedwife.wordpress.com/tag/taken-in-hand/ and here - https://ernieleena.wordpress.com/ and here - https://pairedlife.com/relationships/How-to-Be-a-Submissive-Wife, and here - https://domesticsubmission.wordpress.com/2017/01/02/how-my-husband-made-me-a-submissive-wife/

Links to BDSM/Spanking info

Crow Academy (hints and tips on romantic domance) - https://crowacademy.com/

Morgan Thorne You Tube Channel (for tips and hints on equipment use) - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwx8uy7nxohWLwnaPocLsyg

Spanking Lines - http://www.bottomlines.co.uk/

Spanking Needs - https://www.spankingneeds.com/board/index.php

The Hip Forum - https://www.hipforums.com/forum/forum/224-spanking/

Mr K • Nov 9, 2018

Thank yeah i don’t think it’s an issue i can embrace what i need to be as long as there are parameters but i can’t get that info which is my hang up, but thank you for all the info i will continue my day of research

Dreamknight​(dom male) • Nov 10, 2018

If I can give you an outside opinion from what very little we know about your relationship. Anything she tells you about her other relationships is to get some type of dominant reaction out of you... I don't necessarily agree with her way of going about it. But it probably is just a part of her kink. I have known women to be exactly the same way... I'm very into this type of Lifestyle in one way, but not wanting to talk about much of any of it. They just want to be dominated and told what to do. And in order to do that you have to know what you want her to do first. If she still coming back to you that has to mean something. I may be wrong I don't know everything about you guys but I believe if you yourself think that you can be the guy she wants you to be and actually want that for yourself, which is a very important question that you should consider extremely. Do not only do this just to please her. Because if you are not actually into this. Making her happy by acting a certain way will not make you happy. You have to both want the same thing. It's understandable that you love her still because you have children with her. I think most people feel the same way about their children's Mother even if they are hurt buy them or their actions. It only hurts if you care. But I think the question that you really need to ask yourself is are you doing this only for her happiness or yours also. And the two are not one and the same.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 11, 2018

Recognize that it is going to take time to find your place.

Sometimes years.

Keep talking.

Ask EVERY question.

Find your local community.
And the biggest thing ---- LAUGH

HAVE FUN

Enjoy the journey

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • Nov 15, 2018

Hello,

First off, it's well received that you're reaching out for help. I suggest before trying any venture like this, get your own sense of discipline and methods of satisfaction down pat. Work out, eat right, manage a new investment, learn a new skill in a structured and disciplined fashion. It will teach you what to expect, and how to correct, from the behavior patterns of a submissive. Understand the differences between establishing dominance and being a dominant. It sounds like you have a fruitful journey ahead of you with both of those aspects.

Second, I ask the following:

1. In your previous relationships, have you always been the alpha, an equal partner or a primary provider?
Also, do you two share the same objectives. If your objective is to please her, and hers is to try something new, then your question is irrelevant. Find out what "she needs" from you, try to understand the reason why she "needs" versus "wants" this. In the latter sense, you have all the information (from 11 years being together) you need. Turn ons, turn offs, favorite foods/positions/clothes. As a dom, structure these aspects and factors into your dynamic, into reward/punishment measures, disciplinary procedures.

With my new submissives, I am supportive of their goals, considerate of their needs and I firmly structure, critique and improve their methods and behavior when it comes to pleasing me and supporting our relationship.

2. Being new, it is important to see the differences between a full dynamic versus bedroom role play. In that regard, you seem to be looking to establish your "place" in a dynamic, since bedroom play is self explanatory.
Applying external discipline requires internal discipline.
Think of some hobby that you like to do. There is an ease of confidence and methodical movements involved with acquiring a desired result. IN the context of being a new dom, this is what a submissive will want from you. A safe environment where a sub experiences discipline/pleasure/subspace with a dom who is confident, attentive, and considerate.

Moving on to your next statement: "How to set rules, punishment, and show her I can be the Dom for her."
--Applying external discipline to others requires internal discipline within oneself. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
--Setting rules is simple. Consider objectives or goals to be met and set a pace for how the two of you will achieve it.
--Being a dom is the same as any relationship, it is more about your experiences over a span of time instead of performance metrics. The casual environments for bdsm focus more on the latter though.
--Set a schedule. Create boundaries and reward/discipline schemes. Voice your expectations and follow through with your decided routes of action.

"She will give me very little advice stating I need to figure it out."
Remember, This is a dynamic, not a partnership. She is looking for your to lead, establish and facilitate.

Good luck.

Have fun and enjoy

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Nov 15, 2018

Greetings,

You are getting lots of good advice, suggested links to review and read. All of these suggestions are good and you should think about what you want as well as what she needs from you. I agree with the post about how her communicating to you about the other men and what they expect from her are queues about what she desires.

I would suggest you spend lots of time talking about your deisres and hers. Be honest about your feelings and concerns. Don't feel rushed into trying things since you are the Dom, you decide what is done and when. Since she is driving this to some degree chances are she has thought about this more than you and is farther along in understanding her desires and needs. She likely wants something from you now and later and tomorrow and the next day. You may not be as ready as her to fully embrace this so go at your pace but make sure you are listening, watching, and learning from her what she needs from you.

You are lucky to have someone in your life who you have such a strong connection with before you enter into D/s play. I am jealous of that. You are lucky from my view to have someone in your life you obviously care about who has these desires which you share. Your journey will be fun, exciting, and full or suprises. There will be times you have to stop and talk, change your approach, or exert your control to remind her of the roles you each have. Just be sensitive to her needs, your desires, and communicate and you will find your way.

Read, reseach, watch, learn, do what you are doing in reaching out to the community. Enjoy the ride!