Cultivating a New D/s Relationship | Grooming

MasterBear​(kinky butch) • Nov 14, 2018

@RP

Can you expand on

"Characterized by overt grooming"

Resilient Pearl​(kinky female)​{Protected} • Nov 14, 2018

@MasterBear:

With respect, I’d like to let some things marinate.

While the question posed did not generate the degree of response I’d hoped for, it did stimulate some reflection on my part.

I’d like to sit with the latter for a bit.

- RP

Resilient Pearl​(kinky female)​{Protected} • Nov 15, 2018

Spent the day thinking about this forum post, specifically, what ‘sat with me’ - snippets gleaned from different comments.

I thought about quite a bit, which I won’t get into here, but - thematically - includes gradations of consent, explicit vs. inferred (I’m nodding to @NO here, as she mentioned enthusiastic consent more than once today), the inherent influence of nuanced narratives, and - importantly - lived experience.

After work (where I spent more time reading BDSM-related content than working today) I came home and made a list of the aspects of this thread, which didn’t sit well with me, made some connections to what was written, and what was not. Then I did what I always do whenever I need to unpack something complicated (my middle name, followed by my last name: “uses self depricarion in humorous ways to deflect”) - I called my person.

Had a very long conversation with my husband, unpacking the initial intent vs. what was gleaned, how I feel about that, and asking him what hears me saying. It was good to unpack this with him, if for no other reason than to learn that he harbored some discomfort, albeit intrigue, around how I characterize my first D/s dynamic/relationship. This was news to me, so we also talked about consent in the context of being - not only - the space you create with your words and behaviors, but also the space you create by not contributing. In this case the latter was due to his not wanting to plant a seed that in essence represented his feelings and not necaerily mine.

In our dynamic, that’s both good and bad, insofar as it allows us our autonomy and independence, but it also creates a stagnate feedback loop of reflective listening grounded in conflict avoidance.

I say this all to mean,... (hey, you in the back wake up; I’m almost done!!), I very much appreciate the thoughtful insights and comments offered in response to my question. I also look forward to engaging in more content. For the interim, I believe I’m going to back into observation mode - put my arm-floaties and training wheels back on - and do some reading, writing, and listening.

- RP

MasterBear​(kinky butch) • Nov 15, 2018

@RP

thank you for writing this

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2018

Oh man, I love that this spawned such a fruitful conversation with your husband. Thank you for posing the initial question, allowing us to punch holes in it, and then thinking through it so thoroughly to bring back this reflection. Sometimes the forum is a great place to do all of that, and at times it's better used as a place for landing rather than verbal processing. Thanks for letting us learn with you here.

Groom Slowly

cannaMaster​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2018

I was introduced to D/s by my wife. She was always afraid to open herself up enough to experience her true desires. Once she did I realized there was a world I was un aware of and had no idea how to navigate. I quickly learned and become totally empowered by it as well as finally understanding the missing part of me that I could never put my finger on. I was totally dedicated to her and our new life together. I became her Sir and she submitted to me 100%. In hindsight I put the grooming process on hyperdrive which was mutually beneficial at first, however at some point it became to much to quick. I have learned to take things much slower in all areas of my life and if I get another opportunity with another sub some day I would surely take it slower. Unfortunately, her health has deteriorated, but my desires have not. How can I satisfy both worlds? I have gone from out in the open Dom to hiding my true self from the world. I am new to Cage, but I am hoping that I can find some relief here and continue to grow in this community.

Big D