What do you do for foreplay?

What do you do for foreplay?

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Jul 23, 2020

Phew, very personal post, here goes. So I have come to the sad realization that I almost never have foreplay that significantly turns me on. Either I am *already* aroused (usually with a new partner) or I am not, and then the foreplay doesn't really get me aroused, either. For one thing, I do not like making out, never have. I don't know why, somehow I am wired differently than most people, where wet tongues in wet mouths doesn't do anything for me. I do very much enjoy being touched, big fan of grinding/dry humping (I do feel silly about that but what can I do, it just feels really good to me), I love a nice butt massage... BUT even though I like all of those things, it's just not enough to get me seriously aroused to where I'll actually get wet and my vagina does all those other things it's supposed to do. Or, if I do eventually get into the mood, it takes me forever to get there. By contrast, I get intensely aroused when I am just by myself fantasizing, where of course those fantasies always involve submission and domination. I have a suspicion that, for me, arousal always starts in the head. I need that mental stimulation. Physical stimulation by itself does basically nothing. But just being with an attractive partner whom I have feelings for apparently isn't enough mental stimulation for me (which I feel guilty about). So I am wondering what kind of foreplay could actually work for me to get me riled up. Maybe something that aims more at the mind than the body, that involves power exchange. I would love to hear what you all do for foreplay to get your lover all hot and bothered. I'm still holding out hope that maybe I have a chance at a passionate sex life if I just find the right things that work for me (and a partner who likes those things as well)...

Master Bastian • Jul 23, 2020

I think, creativity is what I enjoys most.
Spanking, cos-play, role-play, rope-/chain-play.

The options are limitless and so is the fun of a good foreplay.
In my three years as Dom, I tried to reapt no foreplay.

If you need psychological arousal for you trie phone sex.
Let him explicitly discribe, what he wants from you in the session to come
while you are still on your way.

To enhance your enjoyment of a touch you are able to use blindfolds, feathers, ice and if you are into 'resiving pain', wax and candles.

I hope this was what you want to achieve with this topic.
If you what to hear more about what I like just ask.

Re: What do you do for foreplay?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 23, 2020

Thank you for putting your self out here and starting this discussion. Personally, i think your answer (at least in part?) is in this gesture. What i mean by that is, your gesture of being "very personal" and vulnerable.

my theory on kinks and kinky people is that "kinks" are a way one personally connects erotically, a way that is considered outside 'the norm.' Even though we are in a relatively safe place (HNG's and similar aside), with other kinksters, we've still been culturally conditioned to feel our needs/wants are abnormal. Even without that added conditioning, i think our needs/wants are naturally a place of vulnerability.

If our need/want requires contact, connection with another person, we are to a degree, dependent on another for getting our need/want met. i see a lot of challenges to that (as anyone in The Cage can likely attest to). Some of the biggies (i think) are self awareness, the ability to articulate need/want (i.e., vulnerabiltiy). Can't have the second without the first, eh?

Some may be shaking their heads and have stopped reading at this point, wondering wtf this ramble has to do with foreplay. For me, it has everything to do with it. i think your "suspicion" is spot on! That arrousal not only "starts in the head" but is sustained and nurtured there as well. i don't think the physical can be separated from the psychological. i believe the "food" that nurtures and sustains our kink (read: "need/want"), is the corresponding need of another. yin/Yang. Top/bottton, D/s, ad infinitum.

i think some of the challenge we encounter of getting our needs/wants met, ties back into how i started this response (i.e., self awareness and the ability to articulate need/want). As complex as this all is, i think in a way it's simple. i think there are others out there who can read and know that you need/want humping and grinding, but don't need/want to make out (more on that one in a few). And a light goes off, if they are self aware, and they say: "Hell yeah, that describes me too." Then if they are willing to be vulnerable, that person (be they a mate or otherwise), they share... hopefully, articulately.

In your case, from what you have shared, i can imagine a day where your mate seduces you with understanding of your need/want. For instance, you may be at the kitchen sink in the morning, and they quietly walk up behind you and grind their crotch into your behind, or they take your butt in their hands and slowly massage it. Either (IT DEPENDS), and then smile and walk away. It's the 'salt principle.' In seduction, the idea is to give something that makes and increases thirst (i.e., awakens need/desire and brings it to the surface... "foreplay").

The only rule to me is that foreplay cannot be done according to rote or rule. It cannot be mechanical. Thats the "IT DEPENDS" part. To my way of thinking, foreplay is not just the beginning of our kinks connecting with anothers COMPATIBLE kink, it is the energy that continues and sustains arousal (i.e. "arousal is the awakening of our kink=need/want). This, is key in my mind: it is the corresponding and compatible need/want of our 'opposite' that attracts and sustains. E.g., it is the need/want of your mate to grind/dry hump, to massage your butt that arouses and nurtures your need/want to grind/dry hump, get your butt massaged. i know i'm putting this in terms that sound cynical, but the reality is anything but, i'm just trying to put it in a personal way for you?

i think were a lot of foreplay and, subsequent lack of arousal, fails is it lacks the aforementioned ingredients. Instead of basing relationship on compatibility, we base it on who knows what? Then when it comes to sex, the relationship often becomes quid pro quo instead of symbiotic. In your case, for example, it might become: "ill make out with you if you'll massage my butt." Not real arousal can be achieved, and certainly not nurtured/sustained because neither has the 'food' the other needs/wants... it's fake food, processed for consumption but not nutritious (sorry, i have a specialty in my practice of reversing disease through diet lol, thus the analogy). Not only will this not sustain, over time it results in things like starvation and resentment because neither needs are being met?

Okay, i said i'd get back to the kiss/make out. i could be completely wrong on this, but i know there's more than one way to "make out." i'm really particular when it comes to making out. Some guys 'make out' like they're a wet vac or like they are trying to fuck my mouth with their tongue and spit. Not appealing to me at all, though no doubt it is for some. Subtle, tentative, searching kisses can make me swoon though (yeah, really lol). But for me, the key with kissing is the same key as what i noted before, it has to be a real expression of the individuals need/want that are compatible with my own individual need/want.

i suspect a lot of guys learn how to kiss and have sex from watching porn. Which is not to fault guys, we have to start somewhere. i think the problem really derives in a culture that conditions us to not be open and vulnerable. School doesn't teach us how to be self aware and communicate. Sex ed isn't. So, most of us entering relationship are in kindergarten, if not pre-school, and we don't even know it. So we pretend to be educated (were expected to be educated) instead of taking the opportunity to learn, which sets us back even further.

SkewerMe​(switch male){Hard CBT} • Jul 27, 2020

Finding a head-match is indeed hard. Just don't deny yourself. Embrace it. Be patient. Go solo in private from your partner if you must. But never deny your true identity, however hidden you may need to keep it from the vanillas.

ArtfulDodger​(sub female){collared} • Jul 28, 2020

The biggest sexual organ we have is the brain. Have you tried visualizing/fantasizing what you wish this "attractive partner" would do with you? Don't censor your thoughts, just roll with it. I can actually cum just by remembering something particularly intense my Dom did with me, whereas just making out leaves me cold, too!

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 28, 2020

By fantasizing and getting yourself aroused, it's possible that you have 'trained yourself' to only get aroused this way. Reality will never equal your fantasies, so it leaves you lacking what you can create on your own.

LordofPain56 • Jul 28, 2020

It must be easier for a guy. Gimme a little eye candy and if I detect a hint of submissive nature in her, I am turned on. I have never been challenged in my methods of foreplay amongst the few girls I have known. I have always begun with roughness, saving the tender stuff for aftercare (kissing, full body massage, scented candlelight, playful touching, laying close to her in bed till she falls asleep). I always figured they get the best of both worlds that way. But maybe the few I have known, just weren't that picky about what aroused them (judging by all the panting).

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Jul 29, 2020

Is there scientific evidence that that's a thing? I know there's a debate about whether frequently watching porn can change your brain and make you less sensitive to real sexual interaction (although I don't think there's conclusive evidence for that, either), but I've never heard anything like that about just engaging in fantasies. But please do post links if you have read any studies about this or the like; I am interested.

DesertLizard​(sub female) • Jul 29, 2020

I haven't tried fantasizing yet at the same time as doing foreplay stuff. I feel like it would be difficult to focus on my partner at the same time as "being in my head". That's what I do when I orgasm, to be honest, i.e., fantasizing as I'm getting there (I've read that's actually not super uncommon for women at least), but haven't tried that yet for foreplay. Thanks for the suggestion.

acquiesced​(sub male) • Jul 29, 2020

No I don't know of any evidence except reference to Pavlov's Dog, and this: I was able to train my submissive to only cum on command. It took years. For a while she was only able to cum this way, and begged for it. During this time we also dove deeper, allowing her to only cum when her face was slapped. She would beg me to slap her face during sex so she could cum. But, just as she was conditioned for this, we let it go and it didn't take long to undo it all.

I'm sure others' opinions offered are just as relevant.