When is too soon and when is long enough?

When is too soon and when is long enough?

Purple Freesia • Oct 14, 2020

Wandering in and out of beginnings and endings i find myself asking; did i fall too soon or did i wait too long?

I keep hearing - go slow; what does that mean?

Wondering how others have navigated the get to know you phase as well as the beginning of the commitment phase?

Time is relative

EclecticRhetoric​(dom male) • Oct 14, 2020

there is no time line, its your comfort level and you will go insane if you think you had control over whether or not the other person is comfortable .. or whether you waited to long or rushed.... you have to go at your own place and be comfortable to step away if you need to. holding on to time will do nothing because everyone time frame is different. "that's just ..my interpretation of the situation. "

Cited,

Artist: OutKast,
Song:SpottieOttieDopaliscious
Album: Aquemini
Released: 1998
Genres: Neo soul, Southern hip-hop

Marchioness​(sub female) • Oct 14, 2020

This is such a poignant and relevant question. I find everything becomes clearer with time. I have learnt to give everything time. Truly committed parties whether they be Doms or friends will always stand the test of time. If they don't, then you have your answer. Time to move on.

Plus isn't it all about undeniable chemistry? A rare and precious thing that should never be taken for granted. I have been fortunate to have found this a few times. Each one unique and wonderful in its own way.

An important criteria for me was for my Ds dynamic to be based on friendship and affection firstly. These can only come with patience, communication, being curious about one another and the biggie, respect. This is the reason I take it slow.

To be the reason someone smiles and knowing you are making them happy is a beautiful thing.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Oct 14, 2020

Beginnings always should start with exploration a slow discovery of shared interests ! Yes that may lead to endings if interests don’t coincide!
The aim is to discover potential at the early stages !
Some lead to a relationship, some lead to a new friendship, the best ones lead to both !!

forgedbyfire • Oct 14, 2020

I am someone who is a proponent for taking time to get to know one another to develop trust. In my past, I was someone who moved too quickly and found myself in regrettable circumstances that took an emotional toll. Much of the getting you know you time is parallels what happens in vanilla relationships. Just like in vanilla relationships, you should review your mental checklists, asking yourself if you are at the point where you feel emotionally and physically safe with your potential dominant.

As with any first "date," I'd make sure someone know where I was going, who I was meeting, and do periodic check ins.

Good luck!!

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 14, 2020

Sometimes it also depends on what you are looking for. I started out just looking for play sessions and not a full fledge relationship per se, and moved relatively fast. It took us a coupe weeks of email exchange, meeting in a public place for "chemistry check", and to establish a certain amount of trust, before we started playing. At that time I could not care less what his political view, vanilla interests, etc. It just so happened that over time it morphed into "relationship".

At the same time, as fast as it seems, we never skip any steps (just did everything faster) - first meeting in public place with absolutely no expectation to play, discussion on limits, safe word, "check ins" with friend the first time I was at his place, and something not talked about here very often - both of us went for an STD testing and exchanged reports.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 16, 2020

Only actions and results matter. Intent is one step towards that. Ensuring you don't stall with each others happiness is another.

Fact is a lot of people make excuses to hold back. And if this happens at the start they're not even seeing what you'd be like if they got their own ass in gear when you're willing too. Chalk it down to any excuse. "I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, I'm overworked". While these things do happen when people put their minds to having fun they tend to have it. The question is wherever that's mutual or "give and take" (think taking turns).

It's often the starting that's the hard part. But it's only hard because people have a habit of not remaining consistent to give things a chance properly (at first). Regardless of the area in question.

Some people are too shy and afraid to open up quickly, or otherwise have some concern/fear that X kink or Y none kink will be judged, looked down or/and misunderstood. So of course they'll say go slow. But the reality is that if you're keeping secrets then that's involving secrets, which is a bad idea outside of a relationship, let alone in it.

Be you. Be into what you're into. Regardless of what others think. Be open and honest as possible and you'll be happier for it. Getting others to engage with you in those areas is the trick. It's all about context. X common can be bad/harmful. Y not as common can be good and enjoyed. Z examples as to why. The more you do something the more the exposure gets you used to it. You see people getting shot in TV all the time but it's considered "normal" because it's common. But it's still simulated death for the interest of entertainment. Mull that over. I'm not even saying that's a bad thing. "Bad" things are a part of entertainment. To contrast/balance out the "good" or otherwise make that more meaningful. Both real and fiction.

Even sex itself is something people have to do more off sooner or later. Understanding each other is part of the process towards that goal. But that can happen quickly if you talk about the topics that matter ASAP instead of making excuses to put it off. Topics that involve trust, mistrust, how people project their bad pasts onto you (and others) because they fear the worst due to having experienced or been told only negative context. Let's be honest here, society brainwashes us (or at least tries to) that X can only be good and that Y can only be bad. But there are always exceptions to the rule due to that very context. To quote "human conflict stems from opposing ideals and societal norms".

But if you make it about how you affect each other and how you're there for each other it's a much simpler affair. Don't wait for that. Don't hold back because of fear or judgement or thinking something is "bad" just because that's all you've seen/believed. Just keep an open mind in all things. Some might be a struggle of course but it's all about the "mix". What you get back out of it as well. In order to get you have to give. The more you give the more you get. Incentive to fuel incentive. An action for a reaction.

Redamancy • Oct 17, 2020

I resonate with your words. It seems that when i find someone i am truly interested in, not just crushing, i fall hard and fast. I give my all into that relationship because it is so rare for me to actually pursue a relationship. But on the flip side, i also fall out fast. From my perspective just go with what feels right, but also have open communication. The last guy I dated, we were going pretty fast and so in a moment of vulnerability i asked him, "do you feel that we are moving too fast?" and he said "no it just feels natural" and so I was at ease.

Exquisite​(sub female) • Oct 17, 2020

Hi family,
For me I was aware of my “exquisite, unique and otherworldly gift” I was to the man and/or woman that chose me, all I required was the “chase”!

Whom can place a time frame on there reactions, on the time your heartbeat speeds up or perspiration began at your temple or when you automatically lick your lips when something or someone make you feel weakness or you lust for someone or you say “this is the one”, No one Can, however, you take the chance to just be you within that season and live it daily with absolutely know regrets

FeistyMinx​(sub female){HAPPYL❤VE} • Oct 17, 2020

If I think something is too fast then I'm normally right because I like to have that affection and attention. However, depending on the prior relationship, For Me, makes a huge difference in how I'm going into the next.
If the prior had no expectations of real life anything, playful, casual, just that normal vanilla dating feeling and was a month or so long, then I wait a few weeks just to get them off my mind. If it's D/s and no matter how long, if there was anything mental as to why you left that relationship, I would say wait longer so you can really come back to you.

Meeting, hell I met a guy at a gas station and we had lunch that day at taco bell, nothing else ever happened.
I dated my spouse for 2 yrs and got pregnant, so I married.

It's just totally up to you and your comfort zone. But if you feel that slightest gut wrenching something isn't right and it's not gas, leave! Meet in public!!!! Coffee shop, park, restaurant, take a walk up the street from the police station...😊 Your comfort zone!