True dominance

True dominance

snugglenugget​(other female) • Feb 25, 2021

What is true dominance? Some may say it’s the ability to have someone to submit to you fully, some people think it’s a characteristic trait that one possesses. I will arguably say it can be a trait or a choice. However, there are some things that I feel dominance is not.

Dominance is not:
*Telling your sub what to do, when to do it abs how to do it.
*It’s not telling her she’s wrong for how she feels when it differs from your own feelings.
*Its not pushing your desires over your submissive’s just because you know they’ll cave.
*It is not always putting your submissive first either.

What I feel dominance is:
*dominance is observance in the highest degree
*dominance is encouraging
*dominance is about helping your sub tear down their own walls
*dominance is about quieting the negative voices or providing a calming shoulder or ear.
*dominance is about revealing the hidden beautiful jewel of human that your submissive is in life and in kink.

If you’re not about the whole person, their life, their dreams, their needs and desires abs observing and helping with it all. You’re not a true dominant, you’re simply playing a role.

MrFulmen • Feb 25, 2021

I think I agree with the general sense of what you're saying, that dominance (beyond short term fantasy play) isn't just a matter of barking orders and being obeyed, but requires a deep understanding of the person who's submitting to you and making it a high priority to use them well (whatever "using them well" means for that individual).

A question about your list of what dominance is, though. Isn't everything on your list stuff that you'd want from any good partner, whether they were dominant or not? And if so, what makes a dominant partner different?

I'd argue that a significant part of what it is to dominate really is about "Telling your sub what to do, when to do it and how to do it"--on top of all the good stuff about being a good partner to them in general.

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Feb 25, 2021

MrFulmen & snugglenugget - regarding this part of your comments:

“I'd argue that a significant part of what it is to dominate really is about "Telling your sub what to do, when to do it and how to do it"--on top of all the good stuff about being a good partner to them in general.”

I would agree with MrFulmen that dominating does inherently involve this. However, I would suggest that I can also understand where snugglenugget was coming from. It all depends on what it is that your instructing your sub to do. The exact what will vary from relationship to relationship - the WHY, that’s the key. In my opinion, the instructions from a good Dom(me) will be targeted to the sub and the relationship - as the point of them is to focus on the dynamic between them. So, random and generic instructions are pointless and meaningless, the skill and the power is in them fitting the situation.

Re: True dominance

nuli​(sub female){Unkolared} • Feb 25, 2021

honestly dominance means different things to each person. what works for you might not work for the next person. Anyone telling anyone their feelings are wrong, is a jerk in my book. no ones feelings are ever wrong. Misunderstood possibly wrong never.

You saying telling a sub/slave what to do and how do it, is wrong. to me its how i learn their likes dislikes, i also love it. Your whole statement is only about what Dom should do for their submissive. So my question to you is this. While the Dom is doing all the above that you consider Dominance what are you the sub doing? This lifestyle is a two way street. A Dom gives his part and the sub gives their part.

Granted i live this life as a slave so my way of looking at things are very different then a subs. BUT its still a two way street. i give my submission to one and he takes it

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Feb 25, 2021

Really depends on what he is telling me to do! You don't need to be a slave, even in a vanilla relationship, if I am giving my partner oral, he might as well tell me exactly what to do and how he likes it. No sense wasting effort in guessing. On the other hand, I have literally kicked a Dom out my door because he was trying to tell me what to do with my career (which he did not have a clue, and I had told him very clearly in the beginning that one of my hard limits is whatever we do cannot interfere with my work).

Response

snugglenugget​(other female) • Feb 26, 2021

question about your list of what dominance is, though. Isn't everything on your list stuff that you'd want from any good partner, whether they were dominant or not? And if so, what makes a dominant partner different?

Yes absolutely.I think part of the d/s is being a sort of partner for each other. But a partner should be able to commit more of their time and energy. Because in life a partnership ideally is 100/100 but some days it’s 0/100 or 80/20 and that is why love in a partnership forsakes these momentary needs and picks you up when you fall.

I'd argue that a significant part of what it is to dominate really is about "Telling your sub what to do, when to do it and how to do it"--on top of all the good stuff about being a good partner to them in general.[/quote]

Yes I agree with this statement too. But the key is you are doing this with consent and while being open to their needs and desires as well.

snugglenugget​(other female) • Feb 26, 2021

I think they are very similar. The difference to me is the level of dedication. The amount of time that the partner is willing and able to provide would be differed between a simply dynamic and a life partner. And the level of emotional connection (ie:love) between partners should be higher.

And I agree with this. I think that ultimately thought if your sub said “no” that should be considered acceptable if it is meant for reasons that are beyond the means of the driven purpose. Does that make sense?

Re: True dominance

snugglenugget​(other female) • Feb 26, 2021

I think that the sub should be working on themselves and accomplishing the desires of their dominant. The context here was related to unhealthy dynamics. I think if there is a breakdown in communication this can cause fake doms to associate questions or denial as a sort of statement of their illegitimacy which causes further issue with their sub. I find telling a Dom “no” every once in a while in the period of time we are considering each other a great way to test their intentions. “No” is a full statement but it can be the start of an excellent conversation or an instigation of a disagreement depending on the person. My personal believe is that having a moment of hesitance as a sub should be a key indicator that conversations need to take place.

nuli​(sub female){Unkolared} • Feb 26, 2021

i enjoy being a slave and all that entails. that aside. yes a Dom who is just in my life as a play partner or learning about each other can not tell me what to do with my occupation. he can offer suggestions or ideas but that's about it.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Feb 27, 2021

I think for me dominance has to do with responsibility and the ability to guide. I don't do well with orders in general but I like being guided and love to please if it's someone I care about like that. Also, I don't want to be responsible for sex specifically. I want to let go and know someone is there to take care of me.

I'm def a sub rather than a slave but still think about what responsibilities I have to a Dom. It seems like quite a lot to ask someone to be responsible for me consistently even if it's mostly just sexually in my case. So I think im responsible for being clear about my wants and expectations, I'm responsible for respecting their boundaries. And what I offer in return for what they do is my submission and loyalty. I'll be yours and only yours, and if you take the time to build that trust and keep me safe, I'll give you whatever you like without reservations.