How do I learn to stop being needy?

How do I learn to stop being needy?

Likeavirgin​(sub female) • Mar 18, 2021

I apologize in advance if this isn't the place or has already been brought up. I feel of late that I am too needy for my Sir. There has been a bit of disconnect as of late mainly due to work and home life. I understand life throws us punches but I can't help but feel a bit disguarded. Our frequency of communication is next to nothing anymore but I don't want to be a bother. We are long distance, working towards in person full time. It's hard for me to be patient, I'm still working on it but has anyone else been through this? How were you able to step back to give the space needed without feeling so hurt? Thank you for taking the time:)

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 18, 2021

It's common for ppl to be needy, but such as to attention based within relations is common. It happens to often that ppl get ghosted, but life happens and such isnt always the case. It poses the question of how much you had before as to present and how long it's been since last contact. It doeant take much to send messages and anyone e with a good job has break time. A day or two is understandable, any more than three is questionable, and a week is practicly ghosting. Anything more than that is either definately ghosting or they simply are testing you or punishing you without specifying as much. It's just one of those things that should be understood prior to engaging in relations. It's not my way, but it still happens. It sucks, but this in life theres a lot of ppl that suck.

Bunnie • Mar 18, 2021

@ Likeavirgin,

“has anyone else been through this? How were you able to step back to give the space needed without feeling so hurt?”

Oh yes. I remember very distinctly in the beginning, with my first Master, feeling so very conflicted, because I had always considered myself to be a strong, independent woman... yet suddenly here I was waiting... constantly thinking about... obsessing over... always wondering about... a man at the end of my telephone. Something I had not only never envisioned myself doing... but had actually mocked others for doing when I had been younger (“Who actually sits by their phone waiting for it to ring?!” *eye roll*) Apparently, I do lol. I never knew I could possibly be “one of those girls,” but there I was, feeling like I was falling off the side of the world because it had shifted on its axis. Not a nice feeling. Being torn between “knowing it wasn’t me” and watching myself behave that way.
It was a big eye opener into learning to honestly observe and accept aspects of myself that I had always rejected the possibility of. That was my journey into discovering how terrified I was of being vulnerable. Because admitting to being needy is a very vulnerable thing. Learning to accept that I may actually need another person, is something I still struggle with. As someone who has always prided myself on not needing anyone, I still struggle with accepting that I’m not as independent as I thought.

Perhaps you can relate to all of this, perhaps not. I shared it in the hope that you may realise that you’re definitely not alone in how you’re feeling. In fact I consider it to be quite normal. Depending where we’ve come from in life will determine how this aspect shows itself and plays out, but I believe that eventually it settles. Having said that, I’m still needy. I’m just more comfortable with that fact about myself now. Master doesn’t care. If I have my more needy moments, He gives me that bit more comfort that may be needed in that moment. Like everything, it ebbs and flows with life. Nothing to be scared of.

There will be people who try to make you feel like it’s a burden, but most of the time, I think it’s mostly our own internal battle with ourselves around what it means and what the consequences could be, that tends to blow it out of proportion. The deeper fear can be that if we’re too needy, we will make the other person leave. Fear of abandonment.
These are all deep seated things and can’t be addressed and “gotten over” quickly or easily, unfortunately. A huge eye opener with these relationships can be realising and understanding that if we want depth and authenticity, we need to wade through our stuff to get there... no more sweeping under rugs. It sucks. It hurts. It’s vulnerable. We have to determine for ourselves if we believe it’s worth it.

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Mar 18, 2021

I often feel this way as well. As much as I remind myself, I'm just being me and I have needs as well as my Dom does (and it's ok to have them - because I used to wonder), I still struggle at times wondering if I'm just too needy. We all need space at times. We all need time apart. Being long distance can be difficult, for sure..yet has it's positive side also. Sometimes being long distance, you just feel left out and if you don't hear from your partner for long periods of time and aren't told ahead of time they will be away, it caused anxiety. The anxiety leads to feeling you must be needy because you're wondering why they have been away for so long. As mentioned above , it shouldn't be difficult to pick up the phone throughout the day, it takes very little time to send a message. It is something I have struggled with too and can be frustrating. It's not you. Just remember, it's not you being too needy. You are being you and you as an individual have needs. Your Dom should be attuned to these needs and stay in touch. If he is disappearing regularly and not checking in to at least let you know he will be busy, please talk to him, respectfully of course. You have every right to.

Likeavirgin​(sub female) • Mar 18, 2021

Thank you all for your touching and insightful words. Knowing that I'm not alone in the feeling is uplifting. Many things to ponder over and reflect. Again, thank you

Susie Q{Daddy Ant} • Mar 18, 2021

i don’t think you should stop being you, and needy is the same kind of you as what color you like or your favorite foods. Talk to your D and see what’s happening. Tell him your concerns. If he doesn’t respond in one forum try another and another. I’ve done this. Sometimes just sheer amounts of communication will break thru and they respond.

Sadly, if he still doesn’t respond then you might need to say goodbye and move on. It’s a hard thing and the pandemic and cyber dynamics are so difficult already.

You aren’t alone

Kelpi • Mar 18, 2021

It is never easy getting to know someone online and not knowing if you truly know them. There is the yearning to want to know the feeling of being in their arms knowing the warmth of their body and the scent the give. Not being able to be with them we need to be in touch somehow. So there is the internet phone and text. Yes there will be times when we are unable to call or text because of responsibilities that come up from day to day. This does not give us the right to forget the one who is waiting one a call or text to let them know they are still loved and remembered. If a Dom was to miss a call or text for three days there would be hell to pay. Let a Don not call or text and well they where to busy and you come second maybe third. This is not right and unfair. Your time is as precious and valuable just as the Dom's is. More importantly your heart should come before anything else. It is not made of gold but how much does your love cost? Can you buy or sell it? Can you buy the affection you give? Are you not worthy of a few minutes during the day to just be given a few brief words of encouragement or a simple "hello I was thinking of you"? Is it to much to ask to be told your are there and you are still loved?
No matter how busy you are take two minutes three times a day and say something. Remind them you are there and they are still in your heart.

The light may guide your way but a keen blade will make sure you get there
Tal from SR13

Miss Magdalena​(sub female){FreeSpirit} • Mar 19, 2021

I have found that sometimes it’s not that one is too needy, so much as there is a breakdown in communication and anxiety of the unknown. While my needs and desires haven’t changed much over the years, being with someone who communicates well, is transparent in their deeds and desires, has made all the difference.

Bunnie • Mar 19, 2021

@ Miss Magdalena,

“I have found that sometimes it’s not that one is too needy, so much as there is a breakdown in communication and anxiety of the unknown.”

I agree. Well said.

TheWhorelock​(dom male) • Mar 19, 2021

As a Master, I am of the belief that encouraging and enjoying the submission of a partner is quite literally training them to be needy. This is why neglect is such an unethical and cruel behavior in a D/s or M/s relationship. To me, if I am going to take on the role of being someone’s Master, then I’m choosing to take on that need.

Not everyone’s attention needs will be the same in a dynamic, but I think it’s an important aspect for any submissive to own they have attention/interaction needs, and important for and Right side of the slash human to realize that they have a responsibility to either meet those needs or truthfully report that they won’t.

for a leash to feel real and good, it has to be pulled on. Otherwise it’s just an awkward necklace. I think most of the time that subs feel like they’re being “needy” they’re just longing for the dynamic to feel real.