Trust and privacy

Trust and privacy

IndependentAir​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 24, 2021

Hey there.

I'm a dominant,
which means while all parties need to be trustworthy and transparent in a BDSM dynamic,
the standards are even heightened for me as the one "in control."

But I have an active personal/professional life that is well separated from kink,
and I have good reasons to keep it that way.
Privacy is important to me.
I hesitate before sharing pictures or personal details.

So how do I foster trust, and reciprocate a submissive who shares pictures and videos with me,
while also keeping safe?
I really do not want to be that creepy stranger on the internet who goes around assuming false personas.
I'm confident in the way I look, and I have a successful, presentable personal life, but I just can't share it.

My previous submissive didn't care how I looked, who I was in my personal life, what my personality was like.
Even when I offered to take a step-by-step approach into our dynamic,
she insisted she give me complete control over her as soon as we met for the first time.
The play was great, and we both loved it, we were both respectful and kept things safe.
So everything turned out fine...
But it terrified me, that an 18-year old girl would be so willing and naive to let a stranger dominate her from day one.

TLDR – I want privacy, but I also hate the idea of being a creepy anonymous stranger. How to be open but also safe?

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 24, 2021

Be open and honest with the understanding that certain things need to remain private and that everyone is not going to be transparent for you

charlesutter​(dom male) • Mar 24, 2021

Please don’t take it the wrong way, but I think what you’re asking will simply not work. Perhaps it will, what do I know, but I just don’t know how a submissive would get anything out of it.

That is not to say that your privacy is not important. It is very important and everyone has a right to be as private as they wish.

However, what is the submissive gaining? How is trust going to be established.

I use an old adage which holds true and has been effective for very long time. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Don’t ask for things, you’d not otherwise offer yourself.

Remember that there are real people on the other end of the screen. They have real lives. They have real feelings. They are not toys. Treat them with care and the dignity that they deserve.

I’m not saying you do, just that there is an inherent danger for the other person if their partner wishes to be hidden.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Mar 24, 2021

From a submissives prospective, if you don’t trust me I WILL start to lose trust in you. I respect that everyone has a comfort level they need to maintain and proceed at BUT at some point if you can’t give me that complete trust you’re asking me to give then it’s just not going to happen.

I think you know that it’s not safe and it’s not feasible to truly continue a relationship like that, the fact that you even say that you think it was scary someone would allow it.

A lot of people here have professional careers and need to maintain that levels of privacy but at some point you have to say I am going to trust this person. And it may take you a long time but it will happen. But be open and upfront about your hesitations and concerns.

IndependentAir​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 24, 2021

Thank you for being honest and upfront with this. I think this is exactly where my discomfort comes from – there is a dissonance between my desire to be private myself, and my desire to be able to know about my partner.

My way of going about this – and I say it here, so you may perhaps offer feedback and critique, for which I would be much obliged – was to offer a slow step-by-step initiation process into any dynamic. The submissive largely dictates what is allowed in each subsequent step, and she is the one who decides when I've earned enough of her trust to get to the next level. I, in turn, earn said trust via excellent conduct – by demonstrating with my actions, the level of respect I have for her, for the BDSM foundations of consent and safety. So, in a sense, it's a different way of ensuring trustworthiness – not by mutual vulnerability (in that we both know the other's identity), but by establishing a long history of excellence. But perhaps I am just making excuses for what is otherwise red-flag behavior.

I think it is that everyone needs trust in a dynamic, but my circumstance necessitates that my standards for trust are raised much above most others', so there is now an uncomfortable imbalance in how willing I am to trust my partner, and how willing my partner is to trust me.

IndependentAir​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 24, 2021

Thank you. If you would not mind, I would ask – if I was willing to, and looked forward to, being completely open with my partner someday, but that time frame was far longer than my partner's due to the imbalance in circumstance, and my partner trusted and revealed quicker than I did the same for her, would that be unhealthy? Or perhaps it is the case that the willingness to trust is in imbalance in any relationship, and I am just a somewhat pronounced case.

Thank you again for your perspective, it is valuable to me.

charlesutter​(dom male) • Mar 24, 2021

First, be clear and unapologetic about who you are and what you want. Second, if they share themselves with you, say thank you, and remind them of who you are. Third, don’t ask for more, unless you are willing to give and share more.

If you do this and they don’t understand or appreciate you. Or if they are simply hoping to draw more out of you in time... you’re right to be uncomfortable and you should walk away.

The fact that you’re asking this so openly, already shows your maturity and honesty.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Mar 24, 2021

If there is a time frame that is one thing...as long as you stick to it. Sticking to your word is obv very important cause again if I as a submissive feel like what’s being said to me is just false promises then that is again going to cause frustration and distrust on my part.

I mean each person is responsible for their own choice as to how much they are willing to trust and give. So if they’re comfortable revealing a lot then that is on them. HOWEVER, if you sense that a submissive is being naive then I would say the onus is on you to point that out and slow it down. Sub frenzy is important to recognise and shut down and also recognise when someone understands the reality vs. fantasy.

You are allowed your boundaries and if they can’t respect that then they’re not likely the submissive for you. And vice versa, while it is a relationship of give and take it shouldn’t just be one person having to give and the other taking.

IndependentAir​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 24, 2021

Thank you, you are very kind. These are rules I will take to heart and practice in my relationships.
I will take what I am given, give what I can give; I will respect, and expect respect in return.

IndependentAir​(dom male){Taken} • Mar 24, 2021

Thank you. I believe I would be much disappointed in myself if I broke a promise to my submissive, especially such an important one as that. I am very uncomfortable with the idea of soothing my partner with false promises so I can trap her in what is an unsustainable arrangement – that sounds, and feels, like abuse.

I much appreciate your point on sub frenzy. It is an important one, and perhaps easy to overlook. I will make sure to broach the topic with any partner who I believe may endanger herself with unhealthy approaches to this lifestyle.

On your point of equal exchange, thank you. I will strive to be a giving dominant, in creating scenes to breathe life into her fantasies, and in reciprocating her trust.