A Poly/Mono Relationship

A Poly/Mono Relationship

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2022

So I was hoping to get some viewpoints from others who might be in a similar position as mine own as I feel inexperienced in this and I wanted to reach out to the community. I'm in a relationship to a wonderful non-binary individual who is both my love/companion and also my submissive. They were originally in poly relationships before meeting me and chose to be monogamous once we got together. I was their everything; caretaker, dominant, partner.

I myself have been solely monogamous through and through. When I am with someone, I am with them and only them. I give everything I am to that one, individual person. Now, mind you as with all relationships, there is a learning curve. You'll have your hiccups, your fights, your make-up periods; nothing is perfect. The important thing is to grow together.

Well the part I'm trying to come to terms with is that they are going back to being and needing an open poly relationship. I have been told countless times they love me and that such will never change, but they need more for their mental health and well being as it is part of who they are. I was aware they had been previously poly before me but became mono for me. I've not really been one to share my partners but in this regard, it seems to be a requirement.

I don't really understand the dynamics of a poly relationship but the few people I've spoken to that have been in open poly relationships have said it's all about the comfort lvl of all individuals in the party. Before adding someone new to it, there had to be an agreement/understanding. But as it is, I'm feeling like my choices are and to some degree it's been worded this way, I either accept it and roll with it or I'm out even though I was the one that was claimed to be the most important love of their life.

I would no longer be the only dom in their life, they would answer to another Dom/caretaker when they spent time with him. They will be going to find cuddle partners. If these other relationships lead to sex, then they'll have sex. I'm willing to have an open mind and try to adapt and change but... I don't know, I've just been made to feel that if I'm uncomfortable with it, then it's too bad, I can leave. Is this really what a poly relationship is? I understand the mental and emotional health of your partner/submissive is important and I care immensely about such for them but... I just feel like, what about my feelings in this? I have to accept it, no choice no matter who they pick as their other partners?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2022

I’ll preface this by saying that I’m like you in that I’ve only had monogamous relationships so I can’t give you an experienced perspective on poly relationships. However, I can understand how you are feeling by having your partner drastically change their mind like this. I would be heartbroken to feel like suddenly my feelings didn’t matter, and that my partner was willing to toss me aside. I would have felt like I was lied to all this time that I was enough.

Only you can answer how much you are willing to compromise your feelings and mental health for your submissive’s. They are the one that is trying to change the dynamics of the relationship with little if any concern for how you feel. It’s an unfair and cruel thing to do to someone you profess to love.

You absolutely have a choice. It’s just that neither option is without heartache: either you say goodbye to someone you love or you compromise your own mental health to satisfy their needs. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2022

I have very minimal experience with poly, and it is all online, so I can't really offer any advice or insight. However it is clear that you are in a heartbreaking situation that has the potential to damage a relationship you were very happy with. I have been there, and I empathize. There are many people here who could inform you about the general, practical workings of poly, and there are at least as many who can lend an ear or a shoulder or perhaps share their stories of similar experiences. That could help by informing any decision you may make, or just by letting you know that you are not alone. Asking for help here was the right first step. Good luck.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 15, 2022

i'm sorry for your obvious hurt.

Relationship has so many angles and complexities.

To me, the challenge you are facing was there from the beginning. I.e., you got into a relationship with someone who is wired poly, while you are wired mono.

i made a sort of rule for myself awhile back that i will not attempt an exclusive, romantic tangle with someone who is not a "Total Top." That's because, over time, i have come to realize i am "total bottom." i can 'function' as a top. Hell, i can function (sort of) in a straight relationship, but ultimately, i am wired gay and total bottom. The "function" part is really me ignoring those parts of myself and relying on other places where we connect to carry the relationship. It does not mean that i cannot love and connect with other bottoms, versatile guys, or women, but it does limit the opportunity for success of a ltr, and virtually makes an exclusive relationship of that sort impossible. Eventually, essential needs/desires rise to the surface and make their self known and heard.

i think there is a notion in normative culture that "love conquers all." i don't think it does. i think love has to be paired with compatibility in order to work in a romantic bond. If we try and rely on love alone, our needs get suppressed. Suppressed needs do not go away, just because they are not visible. They build and often come out in other ways. Resentment is a big killer of relationship. I think that sort of relationship becomes quid pro quo instead of symbiotic, and "love" devolves into obligation.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2022

Yeah... Honestly I agreed to the secondary caretaker portion because my sub/partner does have some panic attack moments and because of my work, I'm not always available for an emergency phone call to help calm them. So out of concern for their mental and emotional health and well-being, and my love for them, I put it logically and agreed to the secondary caretaker. At the very least, in a serious conversation I agreed to at the very least give it an honest try and to keep an open mind about all of it. Mind you I don't like to share, so this is a huge step outside of my comfort zone.

I told them that if it comes down to it, even if it damn near kills me, I'll call it if I can't do it. But this is honestly how I'm feeling right now. I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I feel like my comfort and happiness has been put on the sideline. Either I accept that they're going to have other partners and I stay or I leave and they're still going to have other partners. That is how it was put to me originally. Honestly, that fucking hurt being told that.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2022

Of course that hurt. They seem to not care at all how this change makes you feel at all. Have you considered that maybe your sub just wants out of the relationship but doesn’t want to be the one to end it? As a submissive that loves her Dom, my desire is to make him happy. It would hurt me to be causing him to feel like you do now. This just isn’t the way you treat someone you care for. They’re basically taking the stance of “I know how it hurts you and that you don’t like it but I’m going to do it anyway”. That’s not how a submissive that loves their Dom operates in my opinion.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Apr 15, 2022

I'm sorry you're going through this but I think you already know your devotion to this relationship far exceeds your partner's. I know next to nothing about polyamory, but I've been led to believe that the feelings of all participating parties matter equally and that additional partners aren't added under the threat of "we're going to do this or I'm out of here". The take it or leave it attitude alone would cause me to rethink where I want go from here. You seem to be willing to stretch your own comfort zone beyond what you ever anticipated and it's a testament to your love but please do take a time-out to consider how much you can afford to give up before what you're getting in return just isn't enough. Wishing you all the best and hoping your own comfort isn't sacrificed at the expense of another's.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 15, 2022

I suppose it's possible... They keep saying they don't want it to end, they want to be with me. They say that they love me as well a lot. But I dunno, something feels like it has changed. I send a good morning and a good night text every day when I first get up and when I go to bed. I ask how their day is going, want updates on their emotional and mental health. Before I'd get texts pretty quickly, but now? My questions feel like they go unanswered 9/10. I don't get a good morning response anymore, most of the time it is a txt or phone call asking if I can send some money so they can get food or a coffee. My good night text's just go unread it feels like or just not responded to.

TheChimera​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2022

I'm not going to pretend I understand the ins and outs of Polygamy, because I don't. In fact, most of the poly things I see- tend to be tentative at best. It's rare when I see polyamorous relationships work.

I did want to state, that your feelings are valid. Be you a top, bottom, Dom, sub, Master, Slave, etc. Whatever you want to place yourself as.

If this makes you feel like you've been pushed to the sidelines - or if you feel you have to sacrifice your own comfort/mental health for someone else. Then I'd say that's not a healthy relationship.


In a relationship you two should work together to raise each other up. Not one gets their cake and eat it too, while the other essentially- starves.

I'm very sorry; that entire situation looks painful and stressful. I hope whichever path you take, it works well in the end.
Like I said. Your feelings are valid.

sineater • Apr 15, 2022

If you're monogamous, then any form of polyamory on your partners end will make your relationship unhealthy, even secondary care takers (this is a generalization I know, but a pretty accurate one because very very few people actually do it).

In this case, your choices really are limited to accept it(and try to make it work) or move on. If your partner has made up their mind on being poly again, then you need to make up your mind.

One thing you don't mention is that if your partner already has taken an additional partner already. Because how you talk about the situation, it makes me feel like they either already have one, or have their eye on someone. But, honestly, from your last post, where you mention you feel neglected (except for the occasional request for money), I'd say your partner might just be stringing you along now, kinda of a backup plan if this new partner doesn't work out. In fact, this situation is a large part of the reason people want an 'open relationship'.