More for thoughts then anything:

More for thoughts then anything:

TheReaper​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2024

If your SO said that it was OK for sleep play, before ANY of it happened, and you checked 3 times before you tried it the first time, and after the first time you felt terrible about it and asked again, and it was told to you that it was still OK; only to be told after the break up that the only reason why the SO said it was OK was because of your ex, would that still be considered rape? Or would it be considered being misled?

I want to know everyone's thoughts on this. You don't have to censor yourself or anything. Please speak frankly and truthfully.
Thank you,
Reaper.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Mar 10, 2024

First, I want to say I can only take your word for it. So that's all I'm doing, taking YOUR word for it.

This feels strongly like a former partner weaponizing insecurity to me to get back at them once the relationship is over. It happens, and it happens too often in dynamics.

Even if you have signed consent agreements and recorded everything before, during, and after to ensure everyone is okay, years later, someone can say, "I didn't want to do it, but I did because X/Y/Z."

Again, I only have your side of the story, but no, you did not assault them if all this information is accurate. The two of you had a consensual relationship and agreed to engage in some edgeplay. You asked many times before, you asked afterward, and they then chose to bring it up because they knew you felt bad about it years later.

It happens, and it sucks.

All you can do now is be safe in the knowledge that you asked before and afterward and understand that endings are bitter. They're just trying to cause as much damage on their way out as possible; it's how it goes sometimes. Don't internalize it; let it go and move on.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Mar 10, 2024

Before I respond, I’m a little confused. Where does the ex fit into this? Your ex? Her ex?

TheReaper​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2024

My ex. The woman before her.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Mar 10, 2024

So because your ex allowed it in your relationship with her, your other ex SO felt she should? Am I getting that right?
Anyway I guess that part really doesn’t matter. In the eyes of the law, I think what you did is considered rape (an unconscious person can’t consent). However so much of what we do in this lifestyle is illegal. It takes a huge amount of trust between both sides of the slash to engage in the activities that we do.
Morally, it seems like a case of your ex SO regretting what she consented to not that she actually felt like she was being assaulted at the time.

TheReaper​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2024

Ok... let me clarify. The first ex, not the SO ex, was not a sexual being. We had sex like only once a month, when she wanted it. She did not express any interest in sleep play. Something I brought up with trying, looking for consent. It was denied. I didn't do it.

The SO ex, I brought it up to her about trying and she expressed a great interest in it. I checked with the SO ex 3 times to make sure she was REALLY OK with trying it. She said yes each time.
After I did it the first time, I felt bad about it. Can't tell you why. I don't know. Maybe from depriving her of the pleasure of sex? I can't give an answer. I still felt bad. Lost a lot of sleep that night.
So in the morning, I told her and asked her AGAIN (total of 4 times) if she was really OK with it. She said she was and comforted me.
Now, months later, after us breaking up, she's saying that she (SO ex) felt bad for me because the first ex didn't do anything for sex. So thats the reason she agreed.

I hope this explains it a little better.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Mar 10, 2024

Thank you. Yes that cleared things up for me. First I think your feelings of guilt are normal for Dominants. I think that’s where aftercare for Doms becomes important. That reassurance that what he did is what his sub wanted. As stated in a class I attended “they need to know they’re not a terrible person”. It sounds like you got that at first from your ex SO when she comforted you afterwards.
What it sounds like to me based on what you’ve posted is that now she’s feeling vindictive and wants to hurt you. Or another possibility is maybe she is questioning why she liked what you did and she feels wrong so she’s trying to put it on you.

TheReaper​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2024

Thank you for your thoughts on it. I appreciate it.

Innocent Me​(sub female){Protected} • Mar 10, 2024

This is a question that needs so many facts to be taken into consideration that no one but you and her would be able to answer the question you're asking.

I've heard of this happening to other Doms, it's part of the risk you take on in a dynamic. A submissive risks her safety, she trusts her Dom will keep her safe. A Dom risks HIS, he trusts his submissive to be honest and correctly do things such as use a safe word or say no.

I am about to say something and I hope I don't offend you in any way, it's my honest opinion only from what information you've given. I do not know you whatsoever, or her or your relationship, so literally going off of the tiny paragraph you shared.

It sounds to me as if you two were not in a 100% healthy relationship if she felt she could not be honest with you or she felt as though she had to do something she was not comfortable with to make you happy. Either that or she is a bit crazy and she really did consent and enjoyed it, but is now changing her story out of anger or hurt or whatever. I would be extremely careful with things of this nature going forward. My Dom and I have talked about things a bit more controversial, but we are well aware that those activities are in the faaaar future.

I have no idea how long you two were together or what your relationship was like, it just came to mind when you said she was basically not being honest. When someone is not honest in a relationship it makes me assume that other things weren't 100% transparent and honest and healthy. I'm not saying this in a mean way as if you did something to create that environment. Sometimes people just can't advocate for themselves, sometimes they are easily pressured into things. These are all things that need to be taken into consideration.

These are things my Dom and I talk about often, my comfortability and ability using a safe word if I ever needed it. I have told him I in no way feel compelled to do things I absolutely do not want to do. I don't worry about hurting his feelings, I don't worry that me saying no would make him unhappy, I don't feel the need to do things outside of my comfort zone to make him happy. He's a grown man, he can handle a no. I understand that...so I have no hesitation saying no. At the end of the day you NEED to be sure your partner understands, agrees and is comfortable saying no in any situation...not just a kink situation. A submissive needs to have that resolve in her that she will advocate for herself when needed. If there's any hesitation that's something that needs to be taken seriously.

Again, I know nothing about either of you so maybe all the things I mentioned had nothing to do with you two...in that case, I tried. Lol That's all I got, sorry and good luck. <3

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 11, 2024

Taking your word for it:

Sleep play. A sticky wicket. Assuming no chemical enhancements were involved--- as in too much to drink, never mind the other shit, that's an automatic kick in the ass just for using those---- But anyway it's quite simple on the surface. If she said "It's OK" not once but after asking her again... then it's OK, regardless of why she said so-- meaning "the ex" and things like that, not in response to any coercion, physical or otherwise on your part.

However... if this S O, as you put it, decides to claim rape or even "unwanted advances"--- it's your word against hers and as the one on the short end of the dick-- you're screwed.

I would not recommend "sleep play" or other kinds of stealth fucking at all unless you really.. really.. really know and trust the person.

It's a shame, but in this day and age of bona fide creeps and screwballs, it's very common. Creeps and screwballs come on both sides of the relationship equation, by the way. S.O. probably gets off having you over a barrel and having the ability to figuratively fuck you in the ass.

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Play it safe. "Talk to the hand"-- it'll never complain and it's often quicker anyway.